Here There Be Monsters
by I Double Dare You
Summary: "My father told me once that the most important thing every man should know is what he would die for." But dying for someone is not the most difficult sacrifice a person can make. What sacrifice will be asked of Remus and Sirius for Sirius' return from the veil? And will they overcome it to be together again? SBRL, Sirius lives, post OOTP.
1. Sacrifices Of The Heart Are The Dearest

_Title: Here There Be Monsters_

_Pairing: Established Sirius/Remus_

_Rating: M_

_Summary: "My father told me once that the most important thing every man should know is what he would die for." But dying for someone is not the most difficult sacrifice a person can make. SBRL Non-canon compliant. _

_Warnings: Sirius lives! Graphic displays of intimacy between men in later chapters. Also some angst. _

_Notes: From the strange mind that brought the fanfiction world terrible, humorously poetic, perverted bubbles. Be patient with my imagination. _

_Right, so the idea for this rudely attacked me while I was trying to get to sleep one fateful night and it hasn't left me alone since. This is the long story that I've promised and I've been writing frantically at it. Pre-written chapters will be uploaded in regular installments while I continue to write the ones after those. I'm being strict with myself to take my time with this one as I really want to get it right, so criticisms and praise are treasured alike. Encouraging reviews do my James-sized ego wonders ;) _

_The connection with the title will be explained in later chapters._

_Quote in summary credited to Tana French._

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 1: Sacrifices From The Heart Are Dearest Of All.**

"_Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it."  
>- <em>J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

OOOOOO

It was not something that he had planned.

Remus Lupin was a logical man; a patient, persevering thinker who took refuge in the safety of reason and planning. But not today. There was no time for taking refuge in logic or planning. There was time only for action to satiate the ravenous hunger of grief. He needed to act and act rashly.

It was not something that he had planned.

His footsteps were quick and unhesitant in the dark hall and he neither listened for sounds of unexpected movement, nor looked askance for unwanted interference. He knew the way and that was all that consumed his mind. Nightmares and dreams had brought him here too often and not often enough. The familiarity, however, did not lessen the anxiety. Again, anxiety was something he did not have the time for.

The rooms deepest in the Department of Mysteries were the ones with the harshest, most unnerving chill in the air, invading lungs like a sinister gas, bringing bone-deep tremors to the most resilient of witches and wizards. Indeed, the room that Remus had now stepped into made his limbs feel stiff and reluctant with cold, his insides trembling with a cold dependent not on temperature and his legs quivering with the instinct to retreat. He pushed on, regardless. He'd fought sorrow and regret too long to be deterred now, when he was standing before the very thing that had stolen life and love from him – the same thing that would now return it.

The veil fluttered before him, a life, a breath, a voice of its own, beckoning to him, unintelligible whispers playing on his most heartfelt desires and hopes. Today was the day that he would yield to such temptation. And he was the more determined for it.

He held out his hand before himself and raised his wand to his palm, grimacing when his spell sliced into his flesh and sharp stinging pain flowed up his arm. He was always surprised to experience physical pain now; after everything he'd experienced he sub-consciously believed that physical harm was no longer painful to him and he was unerringly surprised whenever he was proven wrong. He clenched his fist, feeling his lip curl back as the hot, slippery blood seeped from the deep cut and the contrast of the tickling of blood on his palm and the pain that tore up his arm slightly unsettled him. The sacrifice was necessary, however, and it was comparatively small and insignificant to what he planned to do next.

He opened his fist and stretched his arm out in front of him, palm outwards as if halting an invisible foe. He hesitated for a mere moment of contemplation before pushing through the veil, palm first for the necessary blood sacrifice.

He had thought that he would feel cold and that he would experience the sensation of falling into darkness, but he was wrong. There was no sensation at all. No darkness, no cold, no sense of gravity or lack of gravity. There was not even the absence of feeling or sight as that would be _something_. There was just...nothing. He even found himself unable to comprehend such as thing as 'nothing' as thoughts would have given substance to that which was not there. In fact, he couldn't even feel unsettled by that.

Then sharp tingling, running from the cut on his palm and up his arm. Gradually, feeling began to run from his palm up to his arm and around the rest of the body, and he realised that he had not in fact been breathing or living, as he knew it, before. Just as he was beginning to feel emotions coming back to him, fear and determination vying for first in his heart, his feet connected with something solid. His knees did not buckle with his own unexpected weight, and his eyes did not feel the need to adjust to the brightness; it was all just _there_.

Though his emotions did not seem to have the same neutralizing restrictions as he felt himself freeze in shock at what he saw.

He was standing in a room almost identical to the room with the veil and archway in the Department of Mysteries, where he had just been. But on the dais sat a small boy. He did not need a mirror to know that the boy was a younger version of himself.

The younger Remus was very small, not older than seven or eight and he swung his skinny little legs back and forth rhythmically, the heel of his scuffed shoes hitting the dais with a steady _thump thump thump_ as he did so; an action that Remus vaguely remembered had grated on his mother's nerves and was one that he did whilst young whenever he'd been deep in thought. However, the boy did not look deep in thought. His bright amber eyes were lit up with curiosity and Remus thought he detected the slightest glint of mischief in the steady childlike smile.

"You're here for _him_, aren't you?"

Heart thudding madly at the small, vulnerable voice, Remus found his voice escape in only a whisper of, "Yes".

He thought he heard the thumping of his younger self's shoes speed up but he couldn't be sure. In any case, the child gave no other indication that Remus' words meant anything to him.

"What if he doesn't want you to be here for him?"

Remus faltered. This was something that he'd not allowed himself to contemplate as the idea was too gut wrenching, too painful. Sirius had said nothing but death could keep him from him, Remus, and this was not death. Sirius would come back to him. He would always come back. No matter what it took, _he would always come back_.

"He's needed there. Harry needs him".

Remus was surprised to find his voice a little louder and steady despite the gaping hole in his explanation. _Harry was not the only one who needed Sirius._

The child cocked his head to the side slightly, as if regarding him on a new level and answered, "But _how_ are you going to get him back?"

Remus felt desperation start to claw at his insides but he kept his outer appearance calm.

"Whatever it takes I'll do it. Whatever sacrifice needs to be made will be mine".

"What about your own life?"

The words seemed so wrong and disturbing coming from the young version of himself with the sweet, innocent smile and childish demeanor, but Remus was prepared for this question and had dwelt on it for too long to be hesitant about his answer.

"Yes. My own life for his, willingly given".

"What about mine?"

Remus stiffened and stared at the small figure, confused as to what it was implying.

"I'm not sure I know what you mean".

The boy laughed freely, amber eyes bright and his high-pitched, childish giggles strangely transformed in Remus' eyes as menacing and all-too knowing.

The boy stopped laughing gradually and answered, his smile wide, "You can't lie to me anymore, _Remus_. Now tell me: would you give my life for his?"

Remus felt dread rise in his throat – he honestly didn't know what was being asked of him. How could he sacrifice the life of his younger self? Would that mean that he would never have lived? Or would it mean that a part of him would die?

"I – yes, I don't know what you mean but whatever it is, I would do it. For him, I would do it".

The child abruptly stopped swinging his legs and his smile dwindled to a much sadder, wistful smile that looked far too old and weary for someone so young.

"You could have me, you know. You could live your life again, start from young and do things differently and have all the things that you've ever dreamed of. You could change the night that you became a werewolf, you could save yourself all the years of pain", Remus started, freezing as he felt temptation niggling at his mind, even as his younger self continued to speak, "You could have everything you ever wanted. The only sacrifice you would need to make is that he cannot come back with you, he cannot live his life again as you would".

Remus felt his mind spin through his thoughts frantically. All the heartache and pain he could save himself and others from; this boy was offering him the chance to live his life as a normal, happy person. He would be able to see a full moon through human eyes and never experience that unbearable pain ever again. He could be a real person, escaping the prejudice of the wizarding world and get a real job and not be so afraid and wary all the time. His parents wouldn't have to sacrifice everything that they had for a son that brought them guilt and sadness every time they looked at him, and his friends would never have to bear the burden of his secret or make the sacrifices that they had to help him. But would any of it really be the same without Sirius? Would he ever be truly happy knowing what he'd given up? The loyalty and often frighteningly intense love that he'd been blessed with when staring back into Sirius' eyes – was that now a necessity for life? And more importantly, it wasn't _his right_ to give up this chance for Sirius and for Harry, and as he discovered, for himself.

"I can't do that", he surprised himself with his calm, determined voice, "I came here to send Sirius back to where he's meant to be – whatever the cost, to give up my life if I had to and that includes this".

His younger self stared at him, deep eyes boring into his own for what felt like an age but somehow felt like not long enough. The burning amber eyes, identical to his own, felt as if they stared right into the very depths of his soul, carefree, childlike smile completely gone and the small face now a mask of sorrow and hurt. Remus wanted to help him, he wanted to relieve all the pain and anguish he knew the child would experience with his decision and he felt the burning, irrepressible urge to apologize and tell the boy that he took it back, that he would sacrifice anything for him. But he remained silent.

Then something out of the corner of Remus' eye caught his attention. In the archway behind the boy was Sirius. However, it was not Sirius as he knew him.

He was a boy, no older than the young Remus sitting, motionless and quite unperturbed by the naked boy seeming to float just beyond the veil behind him. Sirius' eyes were closed and he looked almost as if he were sleeping. Then he began to change. The limbs grew, stretching and twisting smoothly to form an older, larger body; that of a teenager. He continued to change, face and body rapidly growing hair and growing to form a man, the man that Remus had known before Azkaban, the man that he had loved limitlessly before the years of torment. He felt his heart clench painfully at the sight, emotions crowding within him until he wasn't sure what he was feeling anymore. And then Sirius was steadily changing again, growing older but gracefully so, without the crippling influence of Azkaban, growing into the mature aged and then old man he should have eventually become, had fate been kinder. And then before Remus' eyes, he was shrinking, skin smoothing and becoming hairless again as he transformed into a small baby. The process began again and Remus stared, transfixed in awe and wonder as the baby became a boy again, until the young Remus' voice, high and childlike but clear and wise beyond its years, spoke smoothly and evenly.

"_A sacrifice made with a heart that spoke purest love, so now purest love for love's sake the heart must willingly sacrifice"._

Remus' eyes fell to the deep amber of his younger self, eyes full of pain, sorrow and a determination he recognised as very much his own, before he tore his eyes away again and looked back to Sirius to see a mature man, grey eyes _looking back at him._

The next thing he knew, he was being pulled back by an unseen force, the small dejected figure of the boy and the archway getting smaller and smaller, the whispers from behind the veil intensifying to thunderous, inaudible roars until Remus couldn't hear himself shouting for Sirius over them. The world twisted and blurred into cold blackness, roaring wind whipping around him before he fell hard to the cold, stone floor of the Department of Mysteries room, the veil once again whispering innocently behind him.

The last thing he saw before the room swam before his eyes and the blackness of unconsciousness claimed him, were clear, grey eyes, looking deep into his own, confused and worried but wonderfully _alive._

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

_My deepest apologies: spellcheck is fucking with me something terrible and I've always been averse to the idea of having a beta for myself. My head is so fat with pride that I'm surprised I can fit through doorways. :/ Someone needs to deflate it, but for now I'll stick with my idiotic mistakes D: Sorry!_

_Also, I've just started writing another very long, SBRL fic, an AU one this time. Just a couple of weeks before I start university too. What is my life? Never fear, I shall neglect neither this story nor that one and I will write frantically with all the spare time that I have as writing is one of the few things that truly makes me happy. That being said, it will likely be a week or less between updates once I run out of pre-written chapters. _

_Reviews make my day! _

_:)_


	2. The Price Paid

**Chapter 2: The Price Paid**

"_This was what love meant after all: sacrifice and selflessness. It did not mean hearts and flowers and a happy ending, but the knowledge that another's well-being is more important than one's own."_

- Melissa de la Cruz

OOOOOOOO

Remus awoke in the Hospital Wing of Hogwarts.

He recognised the distinctive smell immediately, having spent more time than any other student in there when he'd been younger. It had the strange effect of making him feel both ill and safe at the same time. The Hospital Wing was inexorably associated with painful, helpless days spent after a full moon and yet it was also the place where his friends' loyalty and dedication was displayed in its gentlest form. The sharp, acrid smell of healing and cleaning potions and the stark cleanness of everything was often followed by the distinct scents of his friends, detected by his sensitive lupine nose. The memories of the pain experienced in the Hospital Wing were soon overshadowed by the armfuls of chocolate and sweets that were dumped in his lap, notes set on his bedside table on the subjects he had missed in class, thoughtfully taken by boys who never took any for themselves, and the terrifying and often humourous tales filling in what he didn't remember during the full moon.

So it was with cold despair that when Remus opened his eyes he found that he was alone in his bed, the room lit by a half-full moon. For the briefest of moments he had been thrown back into his student-self by the familiar situation of waking up with the distinctive Hospital Wing smell, and had sincerely expected to see his three friends sitting by his side, waiting for him to wake up. Shoving away the deep but familiar sense of loss for the time being, he tried to recall what had happened that had brought him here.

_Talking to a young boy sitting on the dais, Sirius behind the veil, Sirius looking at him, __**really**__ looking at him._ Sirius alive.

He sat up with a start. It was then that he realised his muscles ached and shook weakly and his head throbbed painfully. He lifted a slightly shaky hand to his forehead, momentarily distracted by the sudden pain.

"Ah, so you're finally up", Madame Pomfrey exclaimed as she bustled over from her office, her wand and a goblet full of something vile-looking already in her hands, "Reckless behaviour, Mister Lupin, I never expected something so rash and dangerous from you. I near passed away when I heard what you did".

Remus didn't even possess the presence of mind to process her concern. The only thought penetrating the pounding ache in his head was '_Sirius, Sirius alive. He's alive. Sirius is alive_'.

"How is he?", he pressed earnestly, uncaring that his voice had a harsh, desperate edge to it that was rarely heard from him, "Is he alive? Is he alright?"

Before Madam Pomfrey opened her mouth, Remus was already throwing the light covers back, twisting his body so he could swing his legs off of the bed. The hope that he felt at the prospect of seeing Sirius again could not be suppressed. He had to see him _now_.

"Mister Lupin!", Madam Pomfrey exclaimed, appalled that he dared to try and escape her clutches when there was still healing to be done, "I really must protest! You are in no state to be out of bed and while you are in my care, and you _are very much in my care_, you will be brought back to health before you go gallivanting off again!"

Remus felt as if he was reverting back to his former student-state again as the Healing witch gave him a firm push so he sat against the headboard of the bed and he obeyed without another protest. Endless days spent in her care had taught him not to argue with her when it came to the healing of those in her care.

She forced the goblet into his hand and he obediently raised it to his lips. The sour, thick taste was familiar and it was only a few moments before he recognised it as Strength Replenishing Potion. That potion had saved him quite a few times in his increasingly hazardous life.

Having taken the potion as ordered, he immediately returned to his task.

"I have to see him. Is he alright?", he pressed, hardly even noticing that the headache was easing and he no longer felt weak and shaky, "Please, Madam Pomfrey, Poppy, you must understand, I have to see him for myself".

Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips tightly but at the sound of her first name her eyes softened. It was an appeal to her sense of mercy, she knew, and she recognised desperation when she saw it.

"Mister Black is alive and quite well as far as I have been able to tell", she admitted, her features softening further as she saw the crippling relief grip her patient, "And I will allow you to see him when you're feeling stronger, although I must warn you that he has not awoken yet and I do not know when he will do so".

Remus felt his heart falter and the relieved expression slip from his face. Fear and dread reared their ugly heads deep in his stomach and he knew such emotions flickered on his face because Madam Pomfrey quickly added, "It does not necesarily mean anything. I have simply decided not to wake him yet as he seems to need the rest more than anything".

Remus nodded, feeling only a little reassured by her words. The risk he had taken to retrieve Sirius from the veil was a dangerous one, fraught by despair and the unknown. Before he had stolen him back from the veil, Remus had only been able to concentrate on getting him back, giving little thought to what they might have to sacrifice to do so and thinking that whatever it was, as long as he was by Sirius' side that he could live with it. Now, he was not so sure that it would be that easy.

He knew that while Sirius slept no one may have been able to know what price either of them had to pay for returning from the veil. Few people had passed beyond the veil and returned, but those who did were changed in one way or another and did not discuss what they had experienced in their journey behind the veil. The changes though...The veil seemed to require a sacrifice from those who attempted to rescue loved ones held in its clutches. He had read of a case where it had taken a woman's eyesight and another case where it had taken a man's ability to read and write, and in both cases no amount of magic could amend the situation. It almost seemed as if the veil took something that was precious to the specific person in question, although the limitations and details of it were not clear. And Remus could now see why the people had refused to speak of their experiences. The things he had seen and felt in that room were too personal, too close to everything he had both striven for and fought against. He knew he would never tell the world what he had faced that day. The proposal of the boy with the large, sad amber eyes and gently swinging legs would be his secret, his triumph and shame until the day he died.

"Mister Lupin. Remus", Madam Pomfrey said worriedly, her hand gentle on Remus' shoulder as she woke him from thought, "If you're sure that you're feeling strong enough, you can go see him now".

Remus jumped to his feet, ignoring the way he swayed dangerously and the fierce worry which set in Madam Pomfrey's eyes.

"I am. I feel fine, just stood up too quickly", he assured her as she reached out to steady him.

"Well don't strain yourself. If you feel at all unwell sit down and call me immediately".

"I will. Just, _please_, I need to see him".

Her conviction seemed to break at his words and she nodded silently, leading him to the far end of the Hospital Wing where a bed was blocked from view by the hangings.

She made to open the hangings so he could pass through but hesitated.

"I feel I should warn you: there have been some remarkable changes to Mister Black", Madam Pomfrey's lips quirked as if she wanted to smile as she continued, wanting to appease the dread she could clearly see in Remus' eyes, "Not bad changes, in fact, I'd even go as far as to say that these changes are of the good sort".

She smiled tightly at him before pulling back the hangings and saying simply, "Perhaps it's better to see for yourself".

Remus stood in shock, limbs frozen, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape.

Sirius lay beneath the sheets, peacefully sleeping and silent. But he looked healthy, just as he had behind the veil. There was no drawn, waxy look to his face that he had had after Azkaban and he no longer had that sickly, unfed look to him. He was older than he had been when he'd gone to Azkaban, and he no longer had that fresh-faced young adult look to him anymore. In fact, he looked to be the same age as Remus himself, although Remus had aged before his years and had not had the fortune to have aged as gracefully as this Sirius had.

Deaf and blind to all else but the vision before him, Remus walked forward slowly, his steps unconsciously measured and placed carefully, as if he were afraid that he might disrupt the wonderful scene and find it all an illusion. The scene stayed, however, and Remus stood at Sirius' bedside, looking with wonder as the chest rose and fell slowly beneath the blankets, the face so familiar and yet so different, as if the version Remus remembered had been constantly in shadow and now he was seeing Sirius in light for the first time. He gingerly crouched down beside him, not hearing Madam Pomfrey's sharp reprimand to let Sirius rest, and brushed the back of his fingers reverently over a lightly stubbled cheek.

His heart jumped frantically when Sirius' eyelids fluttered and his body squirmed slightly, awakening from sleep. _He was waking, he was alive!_ Remus knew he was smiling like a fool but he didn't even bother to attempt to hide it when Sirius' eyes flickered open and the clear and wonderfully familiar eyes turned to him. Remus thought he was going to burst with relief and happiness but suddenly felt his smile slip at the way Sirius frowned in confusion and recoiled slightly from his hand. Then his words – his words felt like someone had ripped his lungs from his chest; it felt like losing him all over again.

"Do I know you?"

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

_Le gasp! Ze Cliffhanger! But I promise not to keep you waiting too long :)_

_Consider this a Happy Australia Day present, all the way over from Down Under, to America, Canada, UK, and wherever else you may hail from :) _

_However, I feel compelled to mention that our national day is also the day that should be recognised as a mourning for all the Indigenous Australians killed by the arrival of white Europeans. So really, I take back the 'Happy Australia Day', and give you 'Depressing Mourning of Genocide Day' instead. In the way it should be recognised and not swept under the rug. _

_I digress. Ignore my ramblings and don't forget to review! Reviews really keep me typing away._

_Love to you all!_


	3. Blank Edges Of A Map

_Sorry I didn't upload sooner, my internet was down for a bit. _

_This chapter will hopefully explain the title of the fic (it's supposed to be metaphorical). Also, the reviews gave me a ridiculous smile to wear all of Australia Day. Cheers. :D _

_I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. (**Crosses fingers)**_

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 3: Blank Edges Of A Map**

"_You're off the edge of the map, mate. Here there be monsters."_

- Captain Barbossa, Pirates of the Caribbean.

OOOOOOOO

"_Do I know you?"_

"Sirius, it's me", Remus whispered earnestly, desperately searching the bright eyes for recognition, "It's Remus, it's Moony".

Sirius' eyes roved over his face but still there was no spark of recognition, none of the intense love in the eyes that Remus remembered so fondly. Pulling back further from Remus' hand, which had slipped to firmly clasp his shoulder, Sirius said uneasily, "I'm sorry, I don't know you".

"Sirius-", he began desperately but Madam Pomfrey interrupted.

"Don't push him, Remus", she said sharply, but there was gentle sympathy in her eyes as she bustled over and forcibly removed Remus' hand from Sirius' shoulder, "He'll most likely come to by himself, just give him time".

"Come to? Come to for what?", Sirius demanded in frustration, bringing their attention back to him.

"You've been through a bit of an ordeal, Mr Black", Madam Pomfrey explained quickly, flicking her wand towards the door, where a white streak – a Patronus – burst from it and ran towards the door before Remus could get a good look at it, "You seem to have a touch of memory loss, most likely temporary, mind you. You need to get some rest and it should all come back to you soon enough".

"Memory loss", Sirius exclaimed incredulously, sitting up abruptly, much to Madam Pomfrey's displeasure, "So you mean that I actually know _him_?"

Remus assumed that the head jerk in his direction indicated that Sirius was talking about him and he stiffened at the way Sirius so casually addressed him. It was disturbingly unlike Sirius to ever treat him like that.

Madam Pomfrey pushed him back down firmly, shooing Remus away from Sirius' bed before replying, "You do know him but it's best for you to remember this on your own. Don't strain yourself, just let it all come back to you naturally".

She flicked her wand again and this time a goblet and two vials came speeding towards her out of her office. Remus watched silently, anxiously hanging back from Sirius' bed as Madam Pomfrey poured a glimmering purple liquid into the goblet and then added the cloudy liquid from the other vial. The potion hissed faintly and she pressed it into Sirius' hand, saying, "Drink this quickly, it clears the mind and should make remembering a tad easier". Sirius obeyed, grimacing as he tipped back the liquid and coughed slightly.

"Ah, Poppy, I see they're both awake".

All three of them turned to see Albus Dumbledore striding through the doors of the Hospital Wing, deep red robes billowing behind him.

Madam Pomfrey hurried off to meet him so she could speak with him privately, leaving Remus with the strict order of, "Don't pressure him".

Remus watched her talk in hushed, urgent whispers with Dumbledore but he couldn't help but find his gaze turn back to Sirius. Despite Madam Pomfrey's assurances that the memory loss was only temporary, he couldn't help but feel a deep, cold sense of foreboding. The veil demanded a price from those who escaped it and perhaps this was it. Maybe large portions of Sirius' memory were gone forever, particularly the portion of Sirius' life that concerned him.

Remus stared at Sirius, eyes wide with dread and pleading for Sirius to remember him, but the fact that Sirius did not move to console him when he looked at him did not allay such feelings. Sirius regarded him for a moment, apparently thinking hard before murmuring, as if to himself, "I really did know you, didn't I?"

Remus let out a short, low laugh that sounded more miserable than he'd meant it, "You _do_ know me, Sirius".

Sirius stared at him, taking in the face that had lost all colour since he'd claimed not to have known him.

"Were we friends?"

Remus was sure his world was falling apart around him, the buildings crumbling, the room shaking, the sky and dreaded moon shimmering before his eyes. Then he realised that the prickling at his eyes meant that he was crying. He smiled back at Sirius, his smile watery and sad, as he replied quietly, "Yes, we were friends. Very good friends".

Sirius watched, uncomfortable as a tear fell to the front of Remus' Hospital robes and pointedly looked away back to Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore. The sound of approaching footsteps prompted Remus to hastily wipe his eyes on the back of his sleeve and change his expression back to anxious and confused.

"Sirius, it's good to see you awake and well", Dumbledore said pleasantly as he came to stand by the end of Sirius' bed, flicking an almost imperceptible glance at Remus to let him know that he would talk with him later.

"I trust you remember me; the headmaster who had to talk with you in his office perhaps more than any other student in the school".

Sirius smiled briefly in recognition and answered with a slight tone of resentment, as if insulted by the implication that he did not remember his old Headmaster, "Of course I remember you".

Dumbledore nodded silently, seeming to think for a moment before asking, "And you remember Hogwarts? And where you are now, in the Hospital Wing?"

Sirius nodded and Remus recognised the look on Sirius' face as the one used when he was suppressing the urge to roll his eyes. The one-sided familiarity made his eyes prickle again but he blinked rapidly to fight down the well of despair.

"And what of, say, your old school friends", Dumbledore asked innocently and Remus felt his breath quicken, "Do you remember your closest friends?"

"Yes, of course", Sirius replied, a bite of annoyance to his voice, "James, Peter and Lily. I also remember their owling addresses, do you need to know that too?"

Remus schooled his face into an expressionless mask to hide the pain he was feeling. Sirius remembered everyone else but not him. He ignored the brief, concerned glance that Madam Pomfrey sent his way as chilling words he knew he could never have forgotten came to his mind.

"_A sacrifice made with a heart that spoke purest love, so now purest love for love's sake the heart must willingly sacrifice"._

He let out a short, harsh laugh that surprised the people around him and Sirius gave him a wary, annoyed look, but Remus was too focused on his sudden epiphany to care.

_The veil demanded the sacrifice of the very thing the person wanted most from it. _

The woman who had lost her eye sight had said that the thing she missed most was seeing her husband smile and that she had passed through the veil to see him smile one last time. The man who had lost his reading and writing ability had written before going through the veil that what he'd missed most about his young daughter was writing and reading aloud his own bedtime stories for his little girl. And Remus, the thing that Remus had missed most were the memories he and Sirius shared, the effortless, comforting love with which they interacted that was born of knowing each other so throughly and intimately. The veil had sacrificed the '_purest love'_ between them for '_love's sake_'. It seemed that the price of being able to love Sirius again was having no love returned.

"Remus, sit down", Madam Pomfrey said urgently, quickly jabbing her wand at a chair so it scooted up behind Remus, "I'll not have you passing out cold on the floor".

Remus obediently sat, ignoring the worried looks from the three people before him and stared unseeingly out of the window at the Black Lake beyond and the silvery reflection of the moon on the still waters. He vaguely heard Dumbledore and Sirius continue speaking but it sounded as if they were in another room and although he saw Madam Pomfrey's face staring worriedly into his own, her mouth moved but no intelligible sounds came out. He stared at her blankly, wondering at how the moonlight made everything look so surreal, like a silvery, shimmering dream, even the white strands in her hair looked like moonbeams tonight. He hazily saw her pushing a goblet full of hissing liquid into his hand but he was too busy marveling at the coldness of the metal to think about drinking it. She was saying something to him but it was as if he were under water and he could not discern the words and felt too tired to. Then suddenly the goblet was lifted to his mouth by an outside source and burning liquid seared his throat. He coughed and blinked. The moonbeams and shimmers were receding and the voices of the people around him got louder and clearer. He stared into Madam Pomfrey's face, noting the intricate but faint worry lines at the corner of her eyes and mouth and realised that she was actually worried about him.

"I knew I shouldn't have let you out of bed", she tittered, "You've had a real shock to your system, I'm surprised you only just started going into shock. The potion will hold it off for a while but you need some time to rest".

"Poppy, I wonder", Dumbledore interrupted gently, "If I could perhaps talk to Remus a moment before you whisk him off into your more than capable care".

Madam Pomfrey looked over at the Headmaster, her lips pursed as if she dearly wanted to refuse but she straightened and nodded stiffly while replying, "Don't press him too much, Albus. He's had a rough night".

Albus bowed his head slightly and bade her goodnight before sweeping over to Remus' chair. He held his forearm and gently pulled him to his feet, surprisingly strong for someone who looked so old, and led him away from Sirius' bed, Remus walking without being aware of even moving. Remus chanced one more glance back at Sirius and saw him looking after them with a completely lost, frustrated look on his face. Remus flinched as he suppressed the insane urge to run back and hold the familiar face in his hands, kiss away the frustrated expression that he knew was hiding fear. He wanted to tell him that he would never have to feel lost again because they were back now, they were both alive and well and that he would protect them both with everything he had because Sirius had come back to him, like he said he would. But then the grey eyes met his and the lost look intensified and Remus knew that Sirius hadn't really come back.

Madam Pomfrey pulled the hangings shut around Sirius' bed and Remus reluctantly turned to face the front again, allowing Dumbledore to gently steer him back to his bed. He sat down, surprised when the old wizard slowly sat down next to him.

They were both silent for a few moments before Dumbledore spoke evenly, "I've had you brought to Hogwarts to avoid any awkward questioning by the Ministry. You are both rather lucky that you were discovered by an Order member in the Department of Mysteries as the Ministry are firm believers that the veil should not be interfered with in any way and might have very well caused problems for both you and Sirius. You should both have minimal problems here in the Hospital Wing and I shall see to it that no one, not even Harry, is allowed to know of Sirius' return just now. I hope you understand the need for discretion with us knowing so little of his condition".

At Remus' numb nod, Dumbledore continued more softly, "And I trust you know more than I do about Sirius' condition".

Remus quickly glanced sideways as his old Headmaster and clenched his fists, the words bringing an unpleasant realisation to his mind. _This was all his fault, __**all his fault**_. If he hadn't insisted on bringing Sirius back, if he'd just let him be, neither of them would be suffering the way they were now. There would have been a different kind of suffering but Remus wondered if that was perhaps the more natural sort and perhaps more easily dealt with.

Dumbledore seemed to take his silence as confirmation and he continued, reaching into his pocket as he did so, "I am aware that the veil requires a sacrifice for someone to be brought back from the world beyond it. After talking to Sirius, I assume this sacrifice concerns his memories of you specifically".

He took out the large chocolate slab from his robe pockets and opened it delicately as he spoke, not looking at Remus to see the expression changing from guilt to hopeless despair once again.

"I am a wise man but even I do not know the limitations of love. I don't know if it, in fact, has any and I don't think any other person on this planet can claim to know either", Remus watched silently as Dumbledore broke a large piece off of the chocolate, "However I believe this is an opportunity for you to test these evasive limitations".

"As far as I can tell, you have been completely removed from Sirius' memory as has his memories of Azkaban and what might have put him there, but I believe that not all hope is lost. He is the same person that you formed a friendship with and later came to love", Remus tensed, wary, shocked and embarrassed, aware that Dumbledore knew the true nature of the love that he and Sirius had had, "And perhaps you will have the unusual pleasure of reforming that friendship and falling in love with each other all over again".

Dumbledore handed the piece of chocolate to Remus, having compassion enough to pretend not to notice his shaking fingertips. Remus looked down at the chocolate, his favourite treat, mulling the wise words over as Dumbledore popped a piece of chocolate into his mouth. The task he had proposed seemed so unbearably difficult. How was he ever going to gain that same friendship and perhaps love back when, in Sirius' mind, they had never even met before?

Dumbledore stood, brushing off his robes and silently placed the left-over bar of chocolate on the bedside table. He looked down at Remus through his half-moon spectacles, bright blue eyes taking in the hunched, defeated posture and red rimmed eyes.

"I do not believe that his memories of you are gone forever", he said gently, eyes twinkling at the sudden look of powerful hope on Remus' face, "As I said before, no one knows the limitations of love and perhaps, even the worlds beyond this one cannot overcome the power of that emotion. It is my belief that one day Sirius' memory may very well come back to him, and you just have to make sure that you are there when it does".

He smiled down at him, placed a gentle, departing hand on his shoulder and then turned towards the Hospital Wing doors.

"Enjoy the chocolate, Remus. It's Honeyduke's finest, you know", he called back as he reached the doors, his words lingering eerily even as the doors shut with a click behind him.

Remus stared back down at the chocolate that was beginning to melt even thought his fingers were cold. Perhaps Dumbledore was right; the man was very rarely wrong. In any case, he could see his point – Sirius was alive, Sirius was with them and that was more than he could ever have hoped for. And maybe, just maybe he could show him why they were friends in the first place and gain some of that friendship back. Love was too much to hope for now, though Remus did feel his traitor of a heart niggle at him a little hopefully, but he would be content with just Sirius' friendship, with having him alive and well. Because above all, that's what love was: sacrificing whatever you had for their happiness, even if they would never know of the trials you went through just to make them happy, even if they could never love you back.

Remus didn't particularly feel like eating anything but he brought the chocolate to his mouth almost automatically, craving the comforting little buzz from sweet, rich chocolate. Dumbledore had been right; this was indeed Honeyduke's finest and although five minutes ago Remus thought he would have been sick at the thought, he quickly finished the chocolate and licked the melted chocolate off of his fingers as if he were eleven again. He smiled slightly at the thought, the warmth of the sweet treat melting through him and he realised that no longer feeling the deep chill that had settled on him ever since being in the Department of Mysteries. He sat for a few minutes more, staring numbly at the shadow of his silhouette against the moonlit, spotless Hospital floor as his mind grappled with everything that had happened since he first entered the Department of Mysteries. Knowing that it was highly improbable that he would ever be able to understand it all, he lay back on the bed and pulled the covers over himself against the lingering chill of the room.

He'd been fully prepared for an exhausting, sleepless night, filled with worries and thoughts that, come the early hours of the morning, would turn to irrational fears. But even through all the inner turmoil that he was feeling and with a slight trace of chocolate in his mouth, he felt his eyelids start to droop. And with the knowledge that Sirius was just at the other end of the room, alive and relatively healthy even though he didn't even recognise him, Remus found himself calmed and drifting off to sleep.

Even as he slept, however, the foreboding vision of a young boy with large amber eyes, swinging legs and dooming words of sacrifice crept into his troubled dreams.

OOOOOOOO

_Sooo? How is it so far? *Twists hands nervously*._

_The next chapter should be up in four or five days (perhaps less) and I'd say there are maybe ten more chapters to go. Maybe more. I did say it was going to be long X3_

_PS: It's my birthday today and this is my birthday present to you all! Be kind and drop this birthday girl a review! ;D _

_PPS: If there is someone reading this that can speak French and English, would you possibly be able to work with me for a Sirius/Remus fic that I'm writing? It will be a long one and I won't be able to get working on it for a couple of weeks but I think I'm relatively easy to work with when it comes to writing fanfiction. If I have to I'll just use google translator but I really don't want to because sometimes it comes up with the most ridiculously inaccurate crap. :/ If anyone could help me out that would be terrific. Many thanks!_


	4. Breaking Point

_Sorry it took so long again; my internet thought it would play hard to get so I had to use a different computer and then I couldn't find my USB for days. My own internet should be back soon though. _

_I'm no longer looking for a French/English translator as someone has very kindly offered their services for the job ^_^ Many thanks! Also, your reviews gave me an idiotic smile that I wore for hours, which gave me a slightly demented look as I watered my dying plants in the 42 Degrees Celsius Australian heat wave. Cheers! :D_

OOOOOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 4: Breaking Point**

"No matter how much you care for another person, however, you can't guarantee him a happy life, not with love or money, not with sacrifice. You can only do your best – and pray for them".

Dean Koontz, Relentless.

OOOOOOOO

Sirius jumped at the soft clunk. He turned quickly to see Remus putting half a slab of chocolate onto the bedside table.

"Sorry", Remus quickly withdrew his hand back from the table apologetically, smiling pleasantly, "I just thought you might like some chocolate. It always makes _me_ feel better, in any case".

Sirius eyed him warily and nodded just barely in thanks.

The simple action was like a dozen needles to Remus' already rather shattered heart. He'd sub-consciously been expecting a bark of laughter, bright, amused grey eyes and a remark on his obsession with chocolate – it had always been a running joke of the Marauders' and Sirius had never missed an opportunity to tease him about it. Instead, now Sirius just looked slightly suspicious of both him and the chocolate, the deep trust between them eradicated completely.

"It's not poisoned, you know", Remus added, still smiling pleasantly to cover the flinch he'd made when Sirius had fixed him with that wary look. Sirius nodded unresponsively again before going back to staring out of the Hospital Wing window at the still Black Lake, in the same position he'd been in when Remus had first seen him that morning.

As soon as Remus had woken up and remembered where he was he'd looked over quickly to the end of the room where Sirius' bed was to see him already up and staring glumly out of the window. Words could not describe his inner torment as the contrasts of ecstatic joy and hopeless despair assaulted him at the sight of Sirius, resulting in him feeling rather sick.

Remus carefully sat down in the chair next to Sirius' bed, not wanting to seem too intrusive but unable to move away so soon after getting him back.

Sirius continued staring out of the window, his hands folded limply in his lap. Seeing Sirius so still and silent made Remus distinctly uneasy as Sirius was usually so full of energy that even if he had to sit and wait patiently he'd still be fiddling with something, brimming with the unshakable urge to keep moving. It was so unlike Sirius to be so still that Remus wanted to give him a gentle push, to see the body come back to life. But above all, he was a patient man. So he settled in the chair and rested his chin on the fingertips of his steepled fingers as he copied Sirius in gazing out of the window. He was prepared to do whatever it took to get their friendship back, no matter how long it took, no matter what he would have to endure, he would wait. Because Sirius had promised that he would always come back to him. And however long that took, _Remus would wait_.

"I still don't remember you".

Remus' gaze flickered to the unmoving figure that had still not turned to look at him.

"I know".

"I don't know your face".

"I know".

"I don't even know your name".

"I know".

Sirius finally turned to look at him, irritation clearly evident in the quirk of the mouth and heated glare in the eyes.

"Then why are you here? Madam Pomfrey told me how unlikely it is that my memory will ever fully come back. I can't give you what you're looking for, I can't be the person who you want me to be".

"I know", Remus repeated calmly, lowering his hands to neatly fold them in his lap, "But you never were a person that _I_ wanted you to be. You were just you and that's who I was friends with. Memories can be lost and new ones can be made but I'm not here for memories; I'm here for a person, for someone who I was friends with and who I still consider a friend, whether he thinks of me similarly or not".

Sirius continued to stare at him, thoughtful gaze clearly assessing him before he seemed to come to a conclusion and reached over to pick up the chocolate from the bedside table. Remus watched silently as pieces were snapped off of the chocolate by long, nimble fingers, and raised his eyebrows when a piece was held out to him expectantly.

"You said that chocolate makes you feel better and you look like you could do with feeling a little better", Sirius explained bluntly while managing to not quite look at Remus directly. After only a moment Remus reached out and took the offered piece with nothing more than a quite, "Thank you".

They were silent for a few minutes as they each slowly ate their respective pieces of chocolate, not looking at each other and not really feeling like eating chocolate either. Finally Sirius seemed to be unable to hold back his question any more and he blurted, "I know you told me last night...but I wasn't really listening, so what _is_ your name?"

Remus swallowed his bite of chocolate along with the insane urge to laugh at how painfully strange it felt to have to tell someone you'd shared your deepest secrets with, shared your love, shared your body with, what your name was.

"It's Remus. Remus Lupin", he stated quietly, covertly watching for any sign of recognition on Sirius' face at the name only to be disappointed. Sirius nodded and returned to looking back out of the window as they both went back to eating silently. Sirius was the first to finish the sweet and he stretched restlessly beneath the blankets while Remus finished his.

"I'm not allowed out of bed yet", he said sullenly, kicking at the blankets at the end of the bed viciously, "Madam Pomfrey thinks I might have forgotten that windows aren't like doors or something and accidentally step out of one".

He sighed dramatically as Remus watched in amusement, "She hasn't even told me why I'm here. I get that it's partly because of the memory loss thing but I don't know how I even got that in the first place, or how I ended up here. She said that she can't tell me because she doesn't know the full story".

Remus looked away warily as Sirius turned back to him, fierce, demanding curiosity in his face as he asked, "Do _you_ know the full story?"

Remus hesitated, not quite knowing how much Sirius knew or remembered and wondering where to start.

"What's the last thing you remember?"

Sirius tapped a finger against his leg as he apparently thought hard before answering.

"I was on my way to my friends', Lily and James' house. There was something...", his face twisted into something between a grimace and a frown, as if he were trying to see through thick fog, "...something important I had to talk to them about. Something terrible about the-", here he cut off speaking, the hesitation and wariness coming back tenfold as he looked at Remus suspiciously.

"If you were good friends with me, you must know Lily and James", he said slowly, as if testing Remus out.

Remus cocked his head slightly at the present tense, the faintest of anxious tremors running through his chest, but he nodded in affirmation.

"How much do you know about them?" Sirius continued, appearing to try for nonchalance but forgetting that Remus knew him far too well to be deceived.

"Everything", Remus replied openly, "Along with you they were my closest friends. There was only one thing they ever kept from me, to my knowledge, and that was who their secret keeper was after you and even then I believe that it was something they truly didn't want to lie to me about".

Sirius' eyes widened.

"You _do_ know them then. They must trust you to have told you about the Fidelius charm".

Again with the present tense, but Remus strove to ignore it, hoping, _begging_ that it didn't mean what he thought it did.

"And that is your last memory?", he ventured lightly.

Sirius nodded, his voice strained in frustration as he added, "I can't remember what I had to tell them though. It was important, I know it was important, something about me being their secret keeper, something...".

He let out a growl of frustration and buried his head in his hands. Remus watched silently, internally begging with himself not to start tearing up again. Of course Fate would be this cruel to him.

He could no longer deny it, no longer hide from the truth: Sirius did not know that Lily and James were dead.

His last memory seemed to be when he was going to tell them he wanted to make Peter the secret keeper. Remus had thought about it carefully and wondered if the reason he couldn't remember what the important task was, was because it had so much to do with the one person he couldn't remember. Sirius had wanted to change secret keepers because he no longer fully trusted Remus but this Sirius who didn't remember anything about Remus, didn't even remember him being in his life, would not know why he wanted to change secret keepers. And if this was his last memory, it meant that he knew nothing of James and Lily's deaths and, as Dumbledore had told him the night before, he knew nothing of Azkaban or what had put him there. It seemed that the unappealing task of telling Sirius that two of his oldest and dearest friends were dead, while the other was a murderer and a traitor, had fallen to Remus. Fate's cruelty knew no bounds.

He had no idea what would be the best way to tell him, but he thought easing him into it might be preferable to any other.

Remus turned his attention back to Sirius, noting that his eyes were glazed over as he was still apparently trying to remember this important thing. Remus shifted slightly in his chair and crossed his ankle over his knee, the resulting rustles waking Sirius from his daze.

"What do you remember of Peter?"

The lack of loathing in his eyes chilled Remus; for the past three or so years he and Sirius had shared the same goal: one day Peter would pay, they would make him pay. And now the Sirius that sat before him still trusted Peter, trusted him more than he trusted Remus.

"What about him?"

"That last memory that you have, I believe you were going to tell Lily and James that you wanted to switch places with him. You wanted Peter to be the secret keeper".

Sirius gave him a hard stare that soon softened into recognition and confusion.

"Yes, maybe, yes, I think that was it", he muttered more to himself than Remus, "But why? Why the hell would I do that?"

"You suspected someone close to you of being a spy, you thought Lily and James weren't safe with someone knowing that you were their secret keeper", Remus said carefully, not entirely certain why he left the part he had played out of the explanation, "You thought that no one would suspect Peter of being a secret keeper, that it was the perfect bluff".

"That is rather brilliant if you think about it", Sirius laughed, "Certainly sounds like me".

Sirius' laughter and smile faded as he looked at the expression on Remus' face, his eyes growing wide in worry.

"What's the look for?", he finally bit out, and Remus could hear the anxiety, the worry in the crack of his attempt at an annoyed tone, "I know they're perfectly fine. There's no way anyone could have gotten past the Fidelius charm. They're fine".

Perhaps the only person left in the world who would have heard the doubt in the voice and known that Sirius was only trying to convince himself with his words, was sitting in the firm Hospital chair by the man's bed, bathed in warm, cheerful morning sunshine. The sun shining off the surface of the Black Lake kept catching Remus' eye and he looked determinedly at it, willing the bright glare to blind him so he would never have to see such dread, such pain on Sirius' face again. After a moment of Sirius growing impatient and cursing before trying to get out of bed, Remus held out a hand to steady him and still him. He was forced to look into the grey eyes, almost childlike in their worried anger, so quick to brighten, so quick to guard their depths. And Remus knew that he would have to see the pain, the confusion in them and that it would be his fault. Knowing this felt like a twist in his gut, knowing that he had to cause the person he endlessly loved pain, even though he wished there was a way to take all the agony, the confusion and mindless despair onto himself in Sirius' place; anything to bring him happiness because his happiness meant that Remus could endure anything that befell him. Sirius' happiness was Remus', but he had to tell Sirius; it would only be worse for the both of them the longer he waited. So Remus kept his voice as soft and gentle as he could so his next words didn't tremble as he looked into the eyes that could tear his world apart and bring it back together with only a flicker of expression.

"Peter became their secret keeper, he was the spy. He betrayed them, Sirius. Peter betrayed Lily and James...they're gone".

For a moment Remus thought that time had stopped. Sirius' expression had frozen, body tense and stilled and Remus' own breath sounded to him as loud as the Hogwarts Express in the sudden quiet. If it weren't for the steady sparkling glare of the morning sun on the surface of the lake and the cooling breeze through the open window, Remus could have believed that time had stopped for the world. Then Sirius' top lip curled back in a sneer, reminiscent of a defensive Padfoot.

"That's absolute bloody bollocks!"

Remus found himself gaping in stunned surprise at the furious exclamation.

"James and Lily _are alive_", Sirius insisted viciously as if convincing Remus that he was wrong would make his words false, "I saw them yesterday, they were alive and fine".

"That wasn't yesterday", Remus tried to explain gently, determinedly ignoring the pleading edge to his tone, _needing_ Sirius to understand, to remember, to come back to him, "That was years ago; Lily and James have been dead for _fifteen years_".

"Shut up! Just shut up!", Sirius screamed, the desperate, enraged look in his eye inciting Remus to instinctively lean away from him in wariness.

"You're fucking lying. I saw them just yesterday. _I saw them!_ They're not dead. They're safe, they're under the Fidelius charm, they're safe, so cut the bloody act, you lying bastard!"

"Sirius, please, keep your voice down", Remus begged, automatically reaching out to take Sirius' hands, to calm him with the familiar contact that had always soothed him, only to flinch when Sirius violently pushed his hands away.

"Don't fucking touch me!", the grey eyes burned as Sirius abruptly swung his legs out from under the blankets, hand grasping at the bedside table for his wand.

Decades of being in love with someone, of wanting to protect them with every fibre of your being could still not erase the survivalist instinct to protect yourself.

Remus' first instinctual reaction was to reach for his wand but as he reached towards his pocket he hesitated. Although Sirius did not look exactly like the man he'd known, he was still the person he'd brought back from the veil; the man he had gone to the edge of the world for and risked his life and very being for. And it was that hesitation that made the curse die on Sirius' lips. Remus sat frozen in the chair, heart hammering as he looked at the tip of a wand pointed directly between his eyes, not quite doing anything but it was enough with it just being there. It seemed so unreal, so ridiculous to have that wand pointed at him threateningly; how many times had that same wand protected him, fought for him, brought him laughter and joy and happiness. Remus let his gaze slip past the wand to look up at Sirius' face, hoping that his nonthreatening demeanor would calm him. Indeed, it did _something_ as Sirius simply continued to stare at him, eyes wide, lips white and parted as if he still meant to utter a curse. But the expression was quite unreadable; perhaps a mix between anguish, confusion, disbelief and uncertainty, among others.

The hand quavered as if unable to decide whether to go through with the hex or to lower. And yet Sirius continued to stare into Remus' eyes, breathing shallow and rapid, body still thrumming, trembling with adrenalin.

"_Mister Black, you will lower that wand this instant!_", Madam Pomfrey cried, half-running towards them from her office, face worked into a formidable, anxious frown made even more intimidating by the wand held tightly in her hand.

Consequently, Sirius lowered his wand limply to his side and allowed himself to be roughly pushed by Madam Pomfrey to sit on the bed. The fight seemed to go out of his body and as he buried his face in his hands Remus knew that he preferred being threatened with a curse than to have to watch Sirius break down into something unrecognizable. And it was all because of him.

He was sure his heart was shattering, bruised and bloody and irreparably mangled as he heard the broken, muffled sobs of, "They can't be, _they can't be_. Lily, James...they're alive, _I know_ they're alive".

Madam Pomfrey took one sweeping glance at the situation and quickly ushered Remus, numb and utterly stunned, to his feet and away from Sirius' bed. She guided him, fingers firmly clasping his upper arm, to a nearby vacant bed and sat him down on it before leaning down to look worriedly into his face.

"You told him of the Potters?"

She took one more look at the deathly pale face and took it as confirmation before grimacing sympathetically at him.

"You must understand what a shock it is to him. You mustn't be expecting too much so soon. Just give him time".

She left him with orders to sip the goblet of water she left on the bedside table for him before hurrying off to tend to Sirius.

Remus couldn't help but look back up and saw one last glimpse of Sirius, hunched over, cradling his head in his hands; the image of a broken man. He then had just enough time to hear the gut wrenching, unearthly scream of utter agony before the hangings were hastily yanked around the bed and a silencing charm ensured that a eerie, ear ringing silence descended on the Hospital Wing. The quiet was gradually interrupted, however, by the broken gasps, shallow breaths and whispered self-loathing as Remus pulled at his own hair in a fruitless attempt to stop the hot tears from coming.

"_It's all my fault. All my fault_".

OOOOOOOO

_You guys know me: I'm not a huge fan of angst so it won't be like this the whole way through. :)_

_Getting these two in character is so much more difficult than it seems, especially when conflict is part of the plot. I have the niggling feeling that I haven't done it right and they're out of character, Remus especially. However, I have that same feeling with all of my fics because I'm rather paranoid about it. Please tell me what you think so I can fix whatever I'm doing wrong or leave them the way they are. Reader's opinions are of great importance to me so please leave a review! :D _


	5. The Bonds Of Pain

_The quote for this chapter sums it up pretty well in my opinion. Also, you reviewers made my day...again! :)_

OOOOOOO

**Chapter 5: The Bonds Of Pain**

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable."

Joseph Addison

OOOOOOO

Pain was an interesting concept.

There was, of course, physical pain; that which plagued everyone some time and usually, eventually receded with time and medical treatment.

But then there was mental and emotional pain and that was a different story altogether. Unlike physical pain, the mere memory of this kind of pain could trigger another bout of it and such feelings never really receded, only losing the sharp edge of it to become more of a dull ache.

This was the kind of pain that constantly haunted Remus.

Ever since he was a small boy he had been exposed to inhumane amounts of physical agony due to his lycanthropy, but that was physical, and although there was lasting mental and emotional pain there was nothing, absolutely nothing, as intense as what he felt now.

It was like a dull aching pounding in his head and stomach that jarred his conscious with tumultuous thoughts and feelings rather than physical turmoil. And it was persistent. As persistent as the smell of death in a Hospital, as persistent as a permanent sticking charm; just as he thought it had receded, it came back with a vengeance, determined to make him see the error of his ways and suitably punish him for ever thinking that he deserved any relief or leniency. It was _his_ fault that Sirius was forced to go through the agony of losing everything he ever had for a second time. It was his fault that Sirius had lost parts of himself that he would never get back; the understanding of who he was, in which Remus had played such a big part in shaping in their lives together. It was his fault that Sirius now loathed the sight of him and it was his fault that Sirius would be forever lost; drifting without closure, without ever being able to fully understand his own life or the despair that would undoubtedly plague him. It was_ his __fault_ that Sirius had not only lost everything he ever had, but had also lost himself.

Yes, this was pain indeed.

And so it was with his head in his hands, elbows propped on knees and sitting on a firm Hospital Wing chair that Madam Pomfrey found him, three days after Sirius had been told of his best friends' deaths. Remus had been released from Madam Pomfrey's care the same, unrelated to the incident and only as she had declared him fully healed and back to full strength. She had told him that Dumbledore had said that he could remain in the Hospital Wing as long as he needed, to be as close as possible to Sirius and therefore ensure him a speedy recovery. Remus had politely declined, not wanting to impose, especially with his last interaction with Sirius proving that he was more hindrance than help. He'd returned to his own apartment but hadn't been able to stand his own company for more than three days, the guilt and sorrow weighing him down so heavily that he had only wanted to curl in his bed and sleep for the rest of his life. But Remus was made of stronger stuff than that and instead of hiding between his sheets, he had found himself back at the Hospital Wing after another sleepless night of tormented thoughts.

"Remus, dear, you haven't been looking after yourself", Madam Pomfrey scolded worriedly as she spotted him sitting in the chair by the entrance of the Hospital Wing. He'd not had the courage to move any closer to Sirius' bed and thought that perhaps this was the best location in case his backbone failed him and he felt the need to retreat. In a moment, Madam Pomfrey's hand was cool on his forehead as she peered anxiously into his eyes, tutting and muttering something about, '_Wizards and their hopelessness; they'd work themselves to death if it weren't for good witches and Healers about_.'

He allowed himself to be checked over, some of the relentless guilt actually easing with the presence of someone who clearly cared for him and did not seem to blame him for the turmoil that Sirius was being put through.

"You've not been sleeping or eating properly – I can tell. If I have to keep you in here for the rest of your life to teach you to take better care of yourself I will", she threatened, waving her wand in front of Remus' nose and making him slightly uneasy, "How do you expect to help Mister Black get better when you're on the verge of collapse? At least keep yourself from the brink of exhaustion for _his_ sake if not your own."

Remus' unease intensified and he pointedly looked away from Madam Pomfrey's kind but sharp eyes.

"I don't think I _can_ help Sirius, Poppy", he admitted quietly, the cold feeling in his stomach getting heavier, "Everything I've done so far has just made things worse".

"Nonsense", she replied sharply, "You brought him back from death, from a world beyond this one, facing only Merlin knows what to get him back safely. You saved his life and put your own in danger to do it, just like the little boy and dear friend of James Potter and Sirius Black that I remember looking after every month".

Remus' face got a little paler at the reminder of what he'd sacrificed and what the consequences were but Madam Pomfrey continued.

"Now that's enough self-doubt for one day, Mister Lupin. That sort of thinking won't be helpful to either of you".

He smiled ruefully and looked down at his hands curled in his lap for a few moments before answering, "To be honest, I don't think me being here at all is helpful".

Madam Pomfrey dismissed his confession with a wave of her hand, saying more kindly and gently than he'd ever heard her, "Preposterous: there's no person that I'd trust to do this job more than you. You've got a Healer's heart, Remus Lupin, and Healers don't abandon their posts; they do what they can for the people they care for even if there's only the slightest chance it will help them at all".

Remus looked up at the witch that had cared for him after countless full moons, the witch that had seen him at his worst and always strove to help him in every way she could, feeling only compassion for a young boy forced to mature before his time because of horrific circumstances beyond his control. He was touched.

"And remember: you shouldn't take Mister Black's anger to heart; these past few days he's been asking for you", she told him, smiling slightly at the shock and fleeting joy on Remus' face.

"He's asked for me?", he was too numb with shock to be annoyed that his voice was more of a hopeful whisper than he'd intended it to be.

Madam Pomfrey nodded before continuing more briskly, all business Healing witch, "We both know how rash he is, dear; he didn't really mean to send you away and I think it's best for the both of you if you make your way over there and have a talk with him".

Remus allowed just a flicker of a ridiculous, hopeful smile to flit across his face before he schooled his features back to polite and mild.

"I think I will. Thank you, Poppy".

Madam Pomfrey nodded and gave him a smile that suggested that he had said something rather thoughtful and helpful to her. He silently watched her make her way back to her office. Of course he should have remembered how quick Sirius' temper was, especially with people he did not know. The one-sided familiarity had let him emotionally forget that Sirius did not know him and let him believe that Sirius was mad at _him_, the person who he'd known for the better half of his life and had loved to what they'd all thought to be the end of his days. When really, Sirius' anger was directed at a stranger and had not been a personal attack; just a confused, desperate human lashing out in pain. And Remus was no stranger to pain.

He slowly rose to his feet and made his way over to Sirius' bed, the walk down the Wing feeling as long as a walk along the length of a Quidditch Pitch. He hesitated outside the curtains before calling softly, "It's me, Remus. Is it alright if I come in?"

He was not sure what exactly he'd been expecting but this wasn't it.

The words had barely left his mouth when the curtains were violently yanked aside and a frantic, urgent face greeted him.

"You came back!", Sirius exclaimed rather loudly, grabbing Remus' wrist and hauling him behind the hangings, "I thought you wouldn't after last time but I didn't mean to scare you off, you know. I've just always reacted without thinking but I guess you know that already, having known me like you said you have".

Remus stared at the remarkable, unnerving change in Sirius, not quite knowing how to act or interpret it and a little overwhelmed by the rapid speech and movements. Sirius turned and sat down on the bed and gestured for Remus to take a seat on the chair beside the bed. Haltingly, Remus nodded and sat down gingerly, wondering if somehow Sirius' mood swings had been made even more volatile by memory loss. He hoped not. He'd had trouble keeping up with his various ups and downs at the best of times.

"I guess I kind of surprised you there", Sirius said a little quieter and more controlled, a hint of sadness creeping into his voice, "It's just that no one else wants to tell me what's going on. So far you've been the only one who hasn't treated me like a faulty wand about to go off or an invalid who doesn't know anything. And it just got worse when you told me about Lily and James. I think maybe it would be easier if, I dunno, I talked to the person who knew them like I did. I won't feel so...terrible if I know someone else knows how I feel and if they remember them like I do".

Even stunned Remus could recognise a thinly veiled request for help when he heard one.

"We can talk about them if you like", he offered softly, "About what we remember of them, all the good times we had. It'll be better to remember the good than the bad, they'd want us to remember them that way".

"Not yet", Sirius answered quickly, avoiding Remus' gaze a little, "It's just...I haven't really-it just seems so unreal right now. I don't want to think about it for a while".

Remus nodded in understanding and as a result was about to change the subject when Sirius spoke again, a little brighter, as if determined not to dwell on the sorrow, "Dumbledore told me the rest of what happened to Lily and James, you know. About Harry, their son, my godson, how he's grown up now and some of the things he's done...and he also told me about Peter".

There was a dangerous snarl on the end of that sentence, Sirius' face darkening as he apparently thought of Peter. Heartened a little by Sirius' restored mutual hatred for their former friend, Remus found himself replying quietly and calmly, but with a voice no less dangerous than that of a dragon baring its teeth, "We will make Peter pay, one day, Sirius. I don't know if Dumbledore told you but it was Harry that forced us to spare his life. Harry...he's an amazing person in so many ways and so like his parents – I swear it was Lily standing between us and Peter; he even stuck out his chin the same way", Remus allowed himself a smile at the look of wonder on Sirius' face but he let the smile fade quickly as he continued, "But Harry won't be there to protect him forever. We swore to each other once that Peter would pay for what he did to them, for what he did to us. I know you don't remember saying it but we swore to kill him, to do what should have been done long ago, and I'd expect no less from Sirius Black to uphold such an oath".

Sirius considered him silently, grey eyes calculating as if seeing him in a new light before he answered bluntly, "Consider it upheld", a smile quirked at the corner of his mouth at the firm gaze of the man sitting across from him, "I solemnly swear it".

"That you're up to no good?"

"Always. Until as usual, mischief is managed".

"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. It seems we're down to two now but I much prefer it to when it was only one".

Sirius cocked his head slightly at the smile, wondering at the strange turn the conversation had taken.

"Moony", Sirius murmured in wonder, "Was that you then? I only remember it as Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs".

Remus smiled slightly, a hint of sadness in the curve of lips, "Yes, that was me. Don't you remember the reason you wanted to become Animagus' so suddenly?"

Sirius froze. He hadn't thought about it and now that he did...he didn't know. There was just blankness. He didn't know the reasoning behind it he knew that just one day there had been this brilliant, urgent idea to become Animagus', but when it came to why...there was just an empty dark void from which he hastily retreated lest he somehow get lost in there.

"I don't think I remember", he replied quietly, hating the hush that had descended on them but hope returned as he regarded the man before him, "But you know, don't you?"

Remus nodded, smiling again but the sadness returned, turning to wretched, resigned sorrow filling his deep amber eyes, as if they had arrived at a place that he had known was coming but dreaded.

"It was to help me, all to help me. You were my best friends and you told me that best friends would stick together through everything...even through my nights spent as a werewolf".

OOOOOOOOO

Is it just me or is there drama/angst at the end of every goddamn chapter? It won't be so angsty soon! Please don't give up on me! :) Also, I have a feeling that this chapter doesn't flow very well, which sucks, but the transition between topics was more difficult than usual. Reviews are dearly treasured, no matter how long or short or critical or random. Don't forget that :)

Also, I've run out of pre-written chapters so it should be another three days or so before my next upload. Though reviews always help me write faster ;) God, I'm shameless.

Stick with me, people! :) Please?


	6. The Mystery Of Remus Lupin

_Ohhh, do I detect the first hints of romance in this chapter? X3 I believe I do._

_Why did I write this while watching Scrubs? I kept feeling the need to write a J. D. imagination scene. :/ Don't worry, I controlled myself. _

_The ton of wonderful reviews set me to writing this chapter even quicker than I expected. God, I love you guys._

OOOOOOOO

**Chapter 6: The Mystery Of Remus Lupin**

"_Love is not love  
>Which alters when it alteration finds,<br>Or bends with the remover to remove.  
>O no, it is an ever-fixed mark<br>That looks on tempests and is never shaken." _

- William Shakespeare

OOOOOOOO

"You're a werewolf?"

Remus fought the urge to flinch and look away. "Yes".

He was prepared for the wary withdrawal, the mistrust returning tenfold and the painfully large amount of time he knew he would need to gain some of that trust back...but the rejection never came.

"Oh", Sirius considered him thoughtfully before brightening slightly, "So that's why we called you Moony, huh?"

Remus felt a smile break his face, a genuinely relieved smile at Sirius' easy acceptance of his condition. Sirius was older, not the same naive young boy that he had once been when he had first learned of Remus being a werewolf. He did not have the same naive, innocent acceptance as he had when he was a child; he had seen too much, had become too cynical, as had everyone growing up in the war they had. But here Sirius sat, relatively nonplussed and unruffled by the news that a friend that he had once was a werewolf.

"You're not bothered by it?"

"Not really; was never one for stereotypes. And besides, my parents hated all werewolves which means that werewolves can't actually be all that bad".

Remus smiled. "You know you said almost exactly the same thing when you found out when we were younger".

Sirius smiled back easily before inquiring, interest sparking in his eyes, "So we became Animagus' to help you through your transformations then?"

"Yes. Of course, I nearly had a stroke when you all told me what you'd done. I don't think I've ever fully rid myself of the guilt...or the gratitude".

Sirius' eyes met his and Remus knew that he'd recognized the thank you. Sirius then spoke, a little softer, his words sincere, "I really do wish I could remember you. It sounded like we were really good friends and now I think you're the only one I've got left and I don't even know you".

"We were friends for a reason, Sirius, and memories weren't the reason. Our friendship doesn't have to be lost if you don't want it to be".

Remus took the face-splitting grin as affirmation and grinned right back.

And for the first time since he'd returned from the veil, perhaps for the first time even since Sirius had first passed through it, Remus found happiness in hope.

OOOOOOOOOOO

Sirius slowly thumbed through the leather-bound photo album in his hands, his restlessness quelled for the moment as he perused the photos of himself and his friends when they were in sixth year. Remus had given it to him the day before, a full week after revealing that he was a werewolf, saying that Lily had put it together and that it might help him remember things. They were both aware that the album would not bring Sirius back any memories of Remus but neither said anything about it.

He happened upon a photo taken during his sixth year of himself and James in their Quidditch gear, arms around each other's shoulders and smiling at the camera as if they knew there was no darkness in their future, as if through everything then at least they would have each other. The edge of the photo felt sharp and rough against his fingertips as he ran his fingers around the edge, smile wavering as he fondly studied the rat's nest that James had once called hair. He quickly looked away and turned the page to look at photographs of their seventh year. His eyes sought out the photos of Remus, the man who had been erased from his memory and yet continued to visit him every day at the Hospital Wing, never demanding anything from him, just talking to him and keeping him company.

Remus was a curious person. He was quiet and mild-mannered but Sirius, being a natural mischief maker, could detect the familiar mischievous hint in the way he acted sometimes and in some of the things he said. It was clear that he had indeed earned his title of a Marauder once and Sirius frequently found himself wishing that he knew more about him.

As far as he knew, and that wasn't all that much, Remus didn't currently live with anyone, didn't have a job because of his condition and was not married or dating. The only personal detail that he would admit to was that he was a member of The Order of The Phoenix. He was mysterious to say the least, but it was difficult to pinpoint what the big mystery was because Remus was rather talented at changing topics away from anything he didn't want to talk about. And he always managed to do so in such a pleasant and unassuming way that Sirius ended up believing himself to be too cynical when he thought that perhaps Remus was hiding something. But Remus _was_ hiding something. There was always something lurking just beneath the surface of his demeanor so that it almost seemed that if Sirius turned quickly enough he'd catch the hidden mystery, plain on Remus' face. But he never did. Remus would simply be wearing that increasingly frustrating pleasant expression, with just the slightest guarded tone to his eyes.

Irritated by this secret that Remus was keeping and desperate to find out what it was, Sirius studied the photos of Remus in the photo album, observing with fascination as he grew from a frail looking waif of a boy to a bright, determined young man. It felt surreal to see the person that he hardly knew, so close to him and his friends in the photos. It felt like these weren't photos of him at all; as if it were a completely different Sirius, a different reality in which Remus had resided.

Sirius fought the urge to violently tear out the photo of Peter and James side by side, and turned the page again. His gaze caught on a photo of himself and Remus in their seventh year.

Remus was sitting with his back to the window that looked as if it were looking over the frosted Black Lake, an old, yellowing book held limply in his hands. In the photo he occasionally turned slightly from his book to glance at Sirius, who was leaning back against Remus' side, alternating with looking out of the window, down to the broom he was polishing and then to Remus.

Sirius leaned closer to the photo. There was something about it that didn't sit...as it should, as if there were hidden depths to the photo, numerous layers beneath the unassuming covering. _There!_ His photo self had finally locked eyes with the photo Remus and the big mystery, the great hidden secret, drifted to the surface; the same secret that Remus guarded now. The same look, the casual softening of eyes, the apparently sub-conscious way they drifted closer, touching just enough for it to be suggestive but not enough for it to be incriminating, the gentle but awkward upwards curves of lips as they regarded each other with a sort of exciting unfamiliarity. And the way the photo Sirius returned the gaze was the same; eyes lighting up with just a faint glint of daring, curious desire.

Sirius' eyes widened, his mouth going dry as the world seemed to fade into white around him, his mind only able focus on his sudden epiphany.

_They hadn't been __**just**__ friends._

OOOOOOOO

_Does this hat make me look flyeth? It jingles when I shaketh._

Yeah, Scrubs.

:/

_Anywho, another cliffy...I'm ever so dramatic this week. :) I hope Sirius' reaction to Remus being a werewolf wasn't too unrealistic. _

_Don't forget to review and let me know how I'm going; it's always helpful and appreciated. Indeed, that's why I uploaded so quickly, so thank you, thank you wonderful reviewers for your support and encouragement! I love you all!_

_Next chapter soon. :)_


	7. Moony

_Gah, more reviews? I'm in heaven! :D You guys cannot comprehend the awesomeness of yourselves. That's why I wrote and uploaded this one so quickly ;)_

_Also, this chapter is not one of answers to the last chapter...that comes in the one after this one (I don't even understand my own sentence. Oh dear). Be patient with me, you lovely people! :)_

OOOOOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 7: Moony**

"_Knowing that he is happy is all that I need._ It's about sacrifice. I would make the ultimate sacrifice for my loved one. Not only would I take a bullet for him, but I would put a bullet in myself to protect him."

Unknown

OOOOOOOOO

It had been a good week for Remus Lupin.

His renewed friendship with Sirius was fast becoming stronger; they now talked with a friendly ease and Sirius no longer seemed troubled by his memory loss – visibly annoyed, yes, but not deeply troubled as if he feared it. Sometimes he would catch Sirius staring at him intently as if assessing him in his mind, trying to figure him out. It was a good thing that Remus had become so good at hiding things over the years because he was sure that Sirius occasionally caught him staring at him back, his features softened and open as he observed the man he had loved for so many years, sometimes lost in memories and sometimes lost in the present. He had to quickly reign his emotions and thoughts in whenever he did this for too long because things were going so well with Sirius that he didn't want to ruin it with revealing the depths of his feelings for the man. Still, he couldn't help but recall how Sirius and James had figured out that he was a werewolf so quickly; Sirius was not dim and secrets were not hidden from him easily. Remus knew he had to be careful. But even with this knowledge, he couldn't help but always feel as if he had missed a step on a flight of stairs whenever he walked into the Hospital Wing and saw Sirius smiling at him.

"I brought you coffee but if Poppy asks it's for medicinal purposes only".

This particular day Sirius was staring out of the window in the same way he had those first few times when Remus had approached him in the Hospital Wing. Remus was only slightly puzzled by Sirius' brooding; quite a few times in his visits (which usually lasted all day) Sirius had become surly and lost in thought, his mind turning to Lily and James.

He held the coffee out to Sirius so the soothing aroma would bring him out of his thoughts slowly. It worked and Sirius turned to look at him. The grey eyes looked into his own for only a moment, their depths troubled and brooding before Sirius quickly looked down to the coffee. The look unnerved Remus. It had the same wary unease that Sirius had treated him with before he had known about Lily and James. Remus didn't know what had brought it back but he felt dread stirring deep in his stomach at the mere implication that it had returned.

Sirius took the proffered coffee with a quiet, "Thanks", and held it in his hands as he looked down at it in his lap. Fighting down the urge to forcibly lift Sirius' head to make him look at him and force him to tell him what he'd done wrong, Remus slowly sat down in his usual chair, silent but welcoming, ready to hear whatever Sirius wanted to say when he decided to say it.

After a short while of heavy silence Sirius said abruptly, "Tell me more of Harry".

Remus inclined his head in thought, bending agreeably to the flow of conversation as he smiled gently. "Where do I start?"

He talked easily about Harry, and Sirius seemed to come back a little from the brooding sullenness. He laughed in all the right places and eagerly asked questions about his godson, his face brightening and his smile easy. But Remus could see through the act, for that's what he knew it to be. Sirius could never hide things well from him and the guarded look in his eyes betrayed his troubled thoughts, whatever they might be.

Remus had known him for years and that guarded look in Sirius' eyes had never boded well for either of them and he knew it wouldn't now.

OOOOOOOOOO

Sirius woke with a jolt.

It took a few seconds for him to become aware of exactly what had awoken him, the darkness of his surroundings confusing and startling. He sat up quickly, impatiently letting his eyes adjust to the darkness, a wispy cloud drifting past the half-moon hanging in the starless sky, the moonlight bathing the room in a chilly, silver glow. Sirius listened carefully. The castle was usually rather silent at night but tonight there were noises, faint but so alarming in their nature that they seemed far too loud and sinister.

Sirius swung his legs out of the bed and into the simple pair of shoes that he had transfigured two days ago in the hopes of escaping Madam Pomfrey's well-meaning clutches for a walk on the castle grounds with Remus. It hadn't happened as that had been the day that he'd discovered his and Remus' past relationship and he didn't quite feel like going for a walk and making small talk then. But now it felt good, refreshing to be on his feet after all the rest that Madam Pomfrey still insisted he needed, but his muscles trembled a little weakly, warning him that he wasn't at his full strength. He ignored it, snatching his wand from the dresser and stealing his way across the pool of moonlight streaming through the window and onto the Hospital floor. He dashed out into the hall, following the alarming crashing and rumbling sounds coming from the Astronomy tower. It was not too far from the Hospital Wing but as he was almost there he realized that Madam Pomfrey had been right: he wasn't back to full strength yet. He felt slightly light-headed and his limbs shook tiredly but he pressed on, the dread in his heart quickening his pace as the sounds of louder shouting and crashes reached his ears.

Just as he rounded the corner a jet of green light missed him by mere centimetres. He jumped, pressing himself flat against the wall and raising his wand to protect himself. The scene before him was pandemonium. Curses were flying everywhere, rubble was pouring down from deep craters in the ceiling, dust clouding the air and making it hard to discern the shapes that Sirius took a moment to recognize as Death Eaters and members of The Order. Fear gripped his heart in its icy grip but he'd always used fear as a means of protection, allowing it to manifest itself as something less potent but more fierce; a sort of desperation that some may have considered bravery. He dodged a curse that was sent from a Death Eater who thought frenzied attack at nothing in particular was a valid dueling technique when really it was only dangerous chaos, and he joined the battle.

He engaged himself in a duel with a masked Death Eater who looked as if they were giving a tall, dark-skinned Order member a rough time, and sent a vicious disorientating curse at him. Unable to block the double assault of two skilled wizards, the Death Eater fell, arms waving uselessly as he tried to make sense of the room that was undoubtedly spinning chaotically before his eyes. Sirius ignored the stunned look the dark Order member gave him and hurried over to kick the Death Eater's wand away before he was forced to block a yellow beam of light from another.

He lost track of how long he was fighting for, concentrating only on protecting himself and other Order members and attacking Death Eaters. There was no room in his mind to spare for how they had gotten into Hogwarts or why, but his heart feared the answer and it settled itself as a cold, heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach. Something terrible was happening, something that was ripping the wizarding world apart and he was helpless to stop it, an insignificant pawn in a war, his futile resistance hardly even noticeable. The thought made him fight harder, move quicker, attack more ferociously. Sirius Black was no pawn; he was master of his own fate, dammit, he had returned from something that had marked him forever but he was back and his life was his – no one else's.

He was so focused on just surviving that he did not recognize the blur of colour as it rushed towards him, and did not have time to react as he was pushed roughly to the ground by a force stronger than that of any normal human.

OOOOOOOOOO

Remus didn't know how long he'd been dueling for. It was only desperation, fear and anger that kept him on his feet, dodging curses and sending his own back in the mayhem at the foot of the Astronomy tower. He kept his eye on the flight of stairs leading up to the Astronomy tower, knowing that something horrible was going on up there, something that would doom them all and that the spell stopping them from climbing the staircase was the deciding factor to all of their fates. He glanced back at the staircase again and tripped on something. It was dark and the chaos of the room meant he only caught a glimpse of what lay at his feet but the image of Bill Weasley, face bloody and mangled sent a shard of ice-cold glass through his heart. He blocked another curse, just barely, and knelt at the young wizard's side, hoping that there was something he could do – anything, _anything_.

But then he was sure his heart had stopped.

Because not five metres away Sirius was dueling with a masked Death Eater. Sirius was so intent on blocking the curses the wizard was sending his way, his face deathly pale and his movements jerky as if he was forcing himself to stay upright, that he didn't see another Death Eater turning his masked face to him. Fear gave Remus strength, the wolf inside of him in full fight mode, hackles raised, teeth bared and eyes flashing with the impending death on any who dared to cross his path. He leaped over the the still form of Bill Weasley, raising his wand to disarm or maim the approaching Death Eater, but the man had already sent a curse shooting towards Sirius, bright white and deadly. There was no time for thought, no time for anything other than the burning instinct to protect the person that he could not possibly live without.

Both desperation and his lupine strength gave him inhuman agility as he hurtled forward, hands outstretched as he knocked Sirius to the ground with rather unnecessary force but succeeding in pushing him out of the way of the curse. Relief swept through him when he saw that Sirius had been spared and he fell to his knees beside him before realizing that it was not relief that was sending the flooding warmth down his arm. With a detached numbness he looked down at his own arm to see deep, dark red pouring from it, not in a steady trickle but a rhythmic gush of life flowing from him where the curse had hit him. He vaguely heard himself let out a completely inadequate, 'Ah', of surprise and dread and he tried to bring his arm up to inspect the damage. His arm didn't move. It hung limply by his side, at a sickening angle as if there was a broken hinge between his shoulder and elbow, making his arm swing with morbid uselessness, completely unresponsive to his nervous system. He continued to watch in a nauseated trance, unable to tear his gaze away as his robes turned a deep crimson as the thick blood continued flowing from somewhere between his shoulder and elbow.

The world was growing increasingly dim and confusing, the chaos around him blurring in colourful movements, the booming crashes and shouts growing more and more distant. The last clear thing he was able to even vaguely comprehend before he fell forward were a pair of beautifully familiar grey eyes and a voice murmuring as if from the end of a long, windy tunnel, "_Moony, Moony, Moony_".

OOOOOOOOOOO

_Oh dear, I think I'm trying to drive you readers and myself insane with these cliffhangers. I don't mean to; really, I've never been so dramatic in my life. _

_I hope the significance of the name 'Moony' isn't too vague, I think it might be explained in the next chapter though._

_Anyways, don't forget to send a review my way. I love to know how you all think I'm going so far. Reader's opinions are all important! :D_

_Next chapter in a couple of days or less. :)_


	8. Love Makes The Fear Greater

As always, your reviews made me squeal with joy. :)

If there is anything I haven't made clear, feel free to question me about it because sometimes I forget that I actually have to write what I'm thinking. But hopefully the next chapter should clear some things up.

OOOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 8: Love Makes The Fear Greater**

There is a comfort in the strength of love  
>'Twill make a thing endurable<br>Which else would overset the brain  
>Or break the human heart.<p>

William Wordsworth

OOOOOOOOOO

"_Moony, Moony, Moony!"_

The words tumbled from Sirius' mouth, naturally rolling off his tongue, although he didn't remember ever calling Remus that and had never had the urge to call him it before. But it just seemed natural, as if it were commonplace for him to do so and he wasn't going to question it there, not with Remus looking down at his bleeding arm with a deathly pale face.

Sirius lay there, stunned, where he'd landed when Remus had pushed him out of the way of the curse to protect him, uncaring that he might get hit, that it might have cost him his life. Remus turned to look at him, moving as if in slow motion, his face frightening in its uncharacteristic blankness. Then he began to fall forward, eyes rolling into the back of his head and Sirius quickly broke his frozen alarm to scramble towards him. He held him before he fell, arm going around his back and his other hand cautious of the injured arm as he gently lay him down on the cold stone. Though he did feel warmth seeping through his robes and into his knees where he knelt beside Remus, but when he looked down he saw that it was Remus' blood, hot and fresh from his body that was forming a puddle around Remus and warming Sirius' skin. Resisting the churning feeling in his stomach, Sirius moved to inspect the wound, staying close to the ground as curses continued to fly over their heads.

The gash was deep. Too deep. Through the thick dark blood flowing from the injury Sirius could see muscle and sinew torn apart and when Remus' arm hung by his side limply he could clearly see the stark whiteness of bone, not jagged as in a break but cleaved neatly in two by the powerful cutting curse. Bile rose in Sirius' throat and he quickly closed his eyes for a moment, suppressing the need to simultaneously throw up and panic. He gathered his strength, drawing on his fear, that terrible blood-curdling fear deep in his gut, to give him determination and the courage to keep his head. He opened his eyes and determinedly looked away from the gory wound as he used his wand to slice some of his own robe off before fashioning a make-shift sling for Remus' arm to hold it in place so he could levitate him to the Hospital Wing without it hanging by the muscle and sinew that were the only things attaching it to his body. He tied the sling with badly shaking hands, hardly even noticing the unpleasantly familiar voice shouting, "It's time to go!"

People continued to rush around him, rubble continued to rain from the ceiling, moans and cries of pain and distress sounded from the bodies lying around him but he was aware of none of it. There was only Remus' face, as pale as the waxing moon, and the terrible injury that was draining him of life.

Had Sirius been able to process thoughts he would have wondered at the intensity of his grief, of the desperation which allowed him to disregard anything but this man lying before him. He would have wondered why he hadn't stopped murmuring "Moony", over and over again as if it were a spell that would keep Remus alive, and the way the sight of the face so lifeless made him want to scream his agony to the world and shake Remus back to life. But he couldn't process thoughts. Not then. So he secured the sling around Remus' arm, wincing at how he knew the action would have brought such great pain had the man been conscious. He stood, shaky and unsteady but the adrenalin kept him up, pumping through his blood and giving him the power to levitate Remus behind him as he set off through the cloud of settling dust. He stumbled and tripped on solid objects on the floor that sometimes let out grunts of pain and at other times lay ominously silent, rolling slightly as he bumped into them. He was aware of nothing, his object only to get Remus to the Hospital Wing, to have him alright.

He felt himself running, could see the walls slipping past him at a speed that felt both unreal and far too slow, but no thoughts went through his mind, only the image of Remus, so pale, so white and lifeless and he found his legs moving faster, more urgently.

He burst into the Hospital Wing, just as Madam Pomfrey was gathering vials into a bag, still in her night robes, her face drawn and anxious. Sirius fell to his knees as he ran towards her but he regained just enough of his wits to turn and make sure Remus was brought down gently to lie next to him. Vaguely he heard Madam Pomfrey speaking, saw her moving, examining Remus but none of it existed in his world. All that mattered was Remus – Moony. Without thinking, without even being aware of what he was doing, Sirius bowed down and rested his head on Remus' chest, the warmth and the steady beating of the heart beneath his forehead bringing hope, blinding and breathtaking in its intensity, to his mind. Then he realized he was crying. Tears left wet trails down his cheeks and damp patches on the front of Remus' robes and Sirius found that his mouth was still moving, lips numb and unfeeling as if his mind was completely detached from his body.

"_Moony, Moony, Moony_".

Something was pulling his hair harshly so his head tipped back, something held to his lips and burning liquid was unceremoniously poured down his throat making him cough and splutter. Slowly, his mind began to morph back into his body; he became aware of the things around him, the uncontrollable shaking of his hands, the blood oozing onto the floor where Remus lay, Madam Pomfrey practically shouting at him, eyes fierce in her worry, and the moon, the cold moonlight playing across Remus' face and fading him completely to white.

"He saved me. It got him instead...Moony...he saved me. Moony, Moony, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, Moony, he saved me".

Madam Pomfrey looked both alarmed and sympathetic at his mindless blabbing and she gripped his arms painfully as she spoke firmly, "Sirius, listen to me – _you must listen_. Remus needs your help, he needs you to listen very carefully".

Eyes wide, he nodded dumbly at Madam Pomfrey who knelt beside Remus and was looking urgently into Sirius' face.

"He needs to drink these three potions, in this _exact_ order", she emphasized, pointing from his left to right at a little row of potions she had set out in front of Sirius, "You need to wake him and then give him the potions quickly; they will keep him stable until I get back. Then you must use the Reformationem Spell on his arm straight away or the bleeding will get worse. I need to help the others up at the Astronomy Tower and I need you to stay here and be strong, ok? You can do this, just stay strong for him until I get back".

He nodded and obediently picked up the potion on the left as she scooped up her bag of potions and quickly departed, running towards the Astronomy Tower and leaving ringing silence in her wake. Hand shaking badly, he pointed his wand at Remus' chest and murmured, "_Enervate_".

A gasp quickly turned into a strangled screech of pain, the raw, uninhibited sound coming from Remus making Sirius frantic inside as the pure agony spoke to the deepest, hidden part of Sirius, the mysterious part that called Remus Moony.

Murmuring nonsense, he instinctively smoothed the hair back from Remus' forehead soothingly, trying to get through to Remus through the pain. It seemed to work as Remus appeared to come back to himself, his eyes catching on Sirius' face and his teeth hooking his own lower lip between them to sink into the soft skin and muffle the screams.

"I know it hurts, I know, but you need to drink this, Moony, trust me, please, please drink it".

The rough, desperate edge to Sirius' voice seemed to inspire Remus to attempt to get his pain under control and he shut his eyes tightly as he nodded frantically to show his cooperation. Sirius held the vial to Remus' lips, tipping it back so he could take it until the last drop of light pink liquid was swallowed, Remus coughing and spluttering due to his reclining position. Sirius scooted closer on his knees, sliding his arm around Remus' shoulders to bring him into more of a sitting position as he held the next potion to Remus' lips. Remus swallowed every last drop of that one too, and the next, before Sirius hastily set to casting the Reformationem Spell. It was a tricky spell, meant for holding flesh and bone together temporarily and was commonly used by Aurors when they couldn't get to a Healer in time. He called on his last reserves of strength as he flicked his wand in the complicated actions that were unique to the spell and watched with morbid horror as the bone slowly drew back together and the flesh of Remus' arm sealed itself, Remus' strangled scream of absolute agony resounding off the Hospital Wing's walls. It appeared to be too much for Remus and his head rolled limply to the side as he lost consciousness again, body sagging against the floor as his mind fell into the yawning void of darkness.

The fading of adrenalin leaving him in a mental and physically exhausted state, Sirius collapsed next to him on the Hospital Wing floor, mind reeling, both relief and horror playing a vicious tug of war with him. He hesitated only a moment before he slid closer and pressed himself to Remus' side, taking refuge from the macabre memories and thoughts that crowded his mind and allowing himself respite in the warmth of a friend's touch, even if it was unconscious and soaked in blood.

He was not aware of going into shock. He was not aware of anything except the steady warmth of Remus, Moony, pressed against him as the scene before his eyes stopped making sense, the violent shivers wracking his body making the moonlight seem as if was shimmering threateningly, tearing his world apart as he stopped seeing completely. The only thing holding him to Earth and sanity was Remus' heartbeat, strong and real beneath his hand.

OOOOOOOOOOO

_I know you all want to push me off of my own cliff hangers but I should upload the next chapter probably today. The next chapter will be more mellow I think :)_

_As always, reviews make my world go around. :)_

_Don't be shy!_


	9. Edges Of The Map Filled In

(REVISED VERSION... because the other one sucked.)

So many reviews! I feel spoiled. X3 I didn't answer many because I thought that this chapter would answer your questions. Just know that I appreciate all the comments sooo much!

This chapter took longer than expected – sorry! But I wanted to make sure that I got it right as I hate rushing things :/ I hope it doesn't disappoint.

_I think I should explain something: the battle in the last two chapters was during Harry's sixth year when Dumbledore died. Now that I think about it, I probably didn't get the Astronomy tower bit right; I forgot to double check where it took place in the book before I updated. Sorry for the confusion!_

OOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 9: Edges Of The Map Filled In**

"There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer... It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble, how hopeless the outlook, how muddled the tangle, how great the mistake. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all. If only you could love enough, you could be the happiest and most powerful being in the world..." 

Emmet Fox

OOOOOOOOO

It took three days for Remus' arm to heal.

For the whole three days Madam Pomfrey insisted on keeping him asleep so his arm would heal properly without disturbance. By that time most of the people who had been injured at the battle at the Astronomy tower had been healed and had left the Hospital Wing, the departure of all the people mourning Dumbledore making the atmosphere less stifling.

The death of Dumbledore seemed too unreal, too unbelievable for Sirius to actually feel grief yet. Dumbledore had always been such a permanent, steady presence so essential to winning the war that it seemed as if he was never going to pass, death would spare him because he was no mere mortal. The thought that Dumbledore was in fact very mortal was so unbelievable and terrifying a thought that his death had not really set in for Sirius yet. Even though he knew Dumbledore's funeral would be soon he found that he still was unable to grieve for his old headmaster; it simply felt as if he was still up in his office, blue eyes twinkling behind half-moon spectacles as he poured over parchments and attended to school matters. In the absence of grief Sirius' mind naturally strayed to Remus and everything concerning him.

For the first day Madam Pomfrey had insisted on keeping Sirius confined to his own bed so he could recover from the exhaustion that had plagued him since that night, but he made a fuss worthy of the sullen house of Black, his mood turning so sour that the people occupying the beds next to him had begged Madam Pomfrey to let him go do whatever he wanted as long as it was away from them. On the second day she had relented and he'd immediately rushed over to the hangings around Remus' bed, slipping past them quietly before Madam Pomfrey could protest.

For two days Sirius watched over him.

It may have been due to a sense of duty, it may have also had to do with guilt that he was the cause of Remus' injury, but Sirius knew that the thing that really kept him anchored to Remus' side during those two days was the strange irrational feeling that if he left his side, if Remus was out of sight for even a moment, then he would slip away and the key to everything, to Sirius' past, to his future, to their past friendship and relationship would be lost forever. Despite his initial uncertainty and disquiet concerning the implication of a past relationship with the man, Sirius now found himself more curious than anything. Remus had risked his life for him, he'd willingly, unhesitatingly sacrificed himself for a man who had only known him for a week or so. The depth of the sacrifice indicated something so much more complex and potent than any relationship Sirius could comprehend and he found himself feeling only curiosity of what it must have been like to have such powerful feelings for someone, and guilt that he could not remember something that had been so obviously essential to the both of them.

It seemed impossible to him that he could forget every aspect of feelings so powerful that they would inspire Remus to sacrifice his own life for him, so he sifted through his fragmented memories, trying to find proof of the bond that they had had. He went all the way back to sixth year when he thought there might have been the first indications that he felt more than friendly towards Remus. There he found enormous blanks that both terrified and excited him. He remembered his brief attraction to Ernest Blacklock in his sixth year and his passing admiration of certain parts of Sean Scott's very male anatomy in the Quidditch change rooms, while Sean's sister, curvy and sweet Abigail Scott, had left him cold and bored. He had not forgotten any of that so he was quite aware that his interests lay with males and not females. But near the end of his seventh year his focus had curiously turned away romantically from his fellow students rather dramatically. In its place was the feeling of... being content. It was a constant feeling of elation, his heart bursting with excitement wherever he went but when he tried to think about what might have given him such feelings, he met with a dark, blurry void of... nothing. He now knew that whenever he met with this blank space in his mind it meant that the memories he was searching for had something to do with Remus, so the feeling of being so happy, so enamored and in love was all due to Remus.

It was mind-blowing, terrifying and exciting all in one. He was slightly unnerved by the excitement he felt, that he was so loved and that there was something wonderful in his past, something that offered respite from the hopelessness and pain of the war. But the sheer power of the feelings that Remus still felt towards him rather terrified him because he did not know if he could reciprocate that love the way he had before he lost his memory. What if it wasn't the same? What if it was only a disappointment to Remus and it overshadowed the pleasant memories that he had of him? And the looks that Remus had been giving him the past week now weighed even heavier on his mind; the intense love, the complete adoration in his eyes making Sirius feel completely undeserving and inadequate to be thought of in such a way. The guilt began to curdle in his stomach, constantly niggling away at his mind until he found himself actually wishing that he could return Remus' feelings. That was the most terrifying part: he actually _wanted_ to return the feelings, to give Remus back what he'd lost and regain what he himself had lost, to know that he had earned that love – he wanted to fall in love with him again.

_It terrified him._

Sirius Black was master of his own fate, he was determined not to have it ripped from his hands again and decided for him by another force and this love, the sheer power of it, felt a little too much like an irresistible force steering his life in a way that he had no control over.

_It terrified him._

For the whole three days his mind circled endlessly around the subject until he became so confused and exhausted that he fell asleep by Remus' side, sitting in the chair with his arms and head resting next to Remus' side on the bed. That was how Remus found him when he awoke three days after Dumbledore's death.

OOOOOOOO

Sirius was startled awake by a muffled grunt of pain.

Confused and sleep addled, he stared around blearily in the late morning glare of sunlight before his gaze focused on Remus' apologetic face.

"I didn't mean to wake you. Are you alright?"

Sirius mumbled incoherently in answer, his sleepy gaze slipping down to see the way Remus was cradling his injured arm tightly as if afraid that it might cause him more pain. The sight brought back memories of the past two days and he sat up straighter, rubbing his face roughly with his hands before looking up in concern at Remus.

"What are you talking about? _I'm fine._ You're the one who had his arm nearly cut off".

Remus looked faintly embarrassed and he looked down at his arm.

"You're ok, aren't you?", Sirius pressed anxiously, remembering the grunt of pain that had woken him, "Can you move your arm?"

"Yes, it's fine. Just a little stiff, that's all".

Remus flexed his arm a little to emphasize his point but Sirius didn't miss the wince of pain as he did so.

"Don't", he held out his hand to still Remus' arm, "I'll tell Poppy that you're awake so she can give you some pain relief potions".

"No!"

Sirius raised his eyebrows at the adamant exclamation and Remus hastily added, "It's just that those potions taste vile and she'll make a great fuss. I'm fine, really, I just need to move a little more carefully", he smiled encouragingly to convince Sirius to sit back down, "Besides, it's just fine like this with the two of us; you can fill me in on what I've missed. I gather I've been out for a day or two".

The warm, open smile that Remus sent him made Sirius' stomach twist unpleasantly, knowing that Remus still thought that he was unaware of their past relationship and therefore did not see the need to hide his affection. It felt a little like deceiving him and Sirius felt the guilt send a stab of discomfort through his stomach.

Hesitantly he began speaking, starting with what he had learned of Dumbledore's death and the circumstances surrounding it. At the mention of Snape's betrayal Remus' eyes sharpened, the amber colour becoming brighter, more dangerous and for some reason Sirius found strength in it. Then when he spoke of Harry and what he had learned of his situation Remus had sat forward intently, his expression a mix of concern and anger. Although Sirius didn't remember meeting Harry after Lily and James' deaths, he had heard enough about him and felt close enough to him that he could understand Remus' anger at the turmoil that the boy was being put through. He desperately wanted to help Harry, offer him comfort, but he was hesitant to ask Remus to take him to him – he didn't know how he would react to finding out that his godfather was still alive and had been kept a secret from him.

Remus listened to the rest of his explanation in silence, staring unseeingly at his own hands.

Silence fell as Sirius ran out of things to say and the ringing of silence lingered for what seemed like an age. Finally, Remus spoke in a voice tinged with hopelessness. "So that's it. Dumbledore is dead and Harry is our last hope for this world. All of our lives rest on the shoulders of a sixteen year old boy; a very talented and amazing sixteen year old boy but still, I can hardly find that a comfort".

"We can help him... we can do something", Sirius urged, feeling distinctly useless and desperate to help his godson.

"I don't think we can, Sirius. We can offer, but we wouldn't know how to help. Harry trusted Dumbledore; he won't tell us what he asked him to do or how he planned to stop Voldemort; he won't put anyone else in danger, he sees it as his responsibility and he won't accept our help".

Sirius didn't answer and after a while of silence it appeared that Remus' thoughts had strayed a little.

"You called me Moony", he said softly, his eyes determinedly fixing to his feet at the end of the bed as if he was afraid of looking at Sirius, "You haven't called me that since before the veil".

Sirius hesitated before answering, hating to admit his own uncertainty and ignorance of reasons for his own actions. "I don't know why I said it, I don't know where it came from, it just seemed like the right thing to say".

"So you didn't... remember anything?", Remus asked would-be casually but there was hope in his eyes and Sirius had to look away as he answered.

"No, I don't know why I said it".

He stared at the glass of water on Remus' bedside table, watching the way the water cast a rainbow sheen on the table when the sunlight shone through it a certain way, determinedly trying to ignore the way Remus seemed to have shrunk at his words.

There was silence and then Remus said quietly, "I suppose that's the way it is". He shrugged with his words but at the action he let out a muffled cry of pain and Sirius instinctively shot forward to steady him.

"Nasty curse that", Remus muttered, indicating to his arm with a weak chuckle, "I'm lucky that Poppy is so good at what she does; I'm sure my arm will be better in no time".

Sirius' gaze fell to Remus' arm where his own fingers grasped his elbow and shoulder gently to help steady him. Remus was so nonchalant and casual about saving his life, as if were perfectly natural for him to do so. It reminded Sirius yet again of the feelings that Remus still felt, the feelings that he wished he could return.

"Thanks, by the way, for what you did", he muttered so quietly that Remus barely heard him, the simple apology feeling too inadequate for the situation.

"It's no matter", Remus replied softly, smiling easily.

Staring at Remus' smile, Sirius felt all the guilt, the anger, the curiosity, the regret all well up inside of him, threatening to burst from him in a wave of misplaced emotion. Remus should have _told_ him, he shouldn't have been left in the dark and then surprised by the sudden, alarming sacrifice. He knew that if he'd known of Remus' feelings sooner it still wouldn't have made much of a difference but he felt so left out, the control of his own fate kept from him. He could barely keep his frustration in check, his next words overflowing with anger at his own lack of control.

"It _does_ matter. Why did you – why didn't you tell me about us, that we were together?"

For a moment Remus' face resembled a deer caught in headlights, his eyes widening, his face tensing and freezing before he abruptly shrank back from Sirius' hands still grasping his arm.

"How did you...?"

"The photo album, I could see that we were closer than friends... And the way you look at me, I knew there was something more there than just friendship".

Remus leaned away from him, eyes darting to avoid his gaze and Sirius got the feeling that he was withdrawing into himself, his protective shell of mild politeness threatening to shield him from Sirius.

"Why didn't you tell me, Remus?", Sirius insisted, moving to sit on the bed next to him, eyes determinedly looking into his face to get a proper, honest answer from him.

"I know I should have told you, I should have been honest with you from the start", Remus admitted quietly, his voice defeated and hopeless, "But what difference would it have made? You would have trusted me even less and I wouldn't have even had the chance to try and become friends with you again. Having you back and having your friendship again was more than I could have ever dreamed of; anything more than that was history and I was prepared to leave it there. Your friendship was enough for me and I didn't want to jeopardize it for anything".

"You still should have told me. I had a right to know".

"Why?", Remus shot back, "So you would have felt compelled to reciprocate the feelings? To force you into trying to feel something for someone you didn't even know? You know yourself that it would have pushed us further apart".

Sirius wanted to tell him that he was wrong, that he would never have withdrawn from Remus because of their past relationship and that he wouldn't have felt compelled to settle back into the relationship, but the words struck a chord with him. Wasn't that exactly what he felt now? That he wanted to fall back in love with him to give them both back what they'd lost?

"Well, granted, it might have taken me more time to get used to the idea", he admitted reluctantly, pressing on bravely despite Remus' incredulous look, "But really, I don't think you know me at all. Would I really ever start a relationship with someone just because I felt like I should?"

A smile pulled at the corner of Remus' lips as he considered Sirius carefully.

"No, I suppose you wouldn't. I just didn't want to take the chance", he looked at Sirius sharply as if a thought had suddenly occurred to him, "You aren't bothered by it, are you?"

Sirius shook his head, considering his next words, "I'm not bothered... Just curious I think. There's a huge part of my life that I don't remember... I wish I could – you know, go back to that, feel that same things that I did then".

Remus met his gaze, his mouth quirking upwards a little sadly. "I know. I do too".

"I don't suppose you'd want to – I dunno... tell me about it. Would you?"

Remus looked at him in surprise before a warm, relieved smile lit up his face, "Tell you about it? Where do you want me to start?"

"From the beginning", Sirius grinned back, resting his chin on his hand as he got comfortable, facing Remus as he sat by his side on the bed, "How did it start?"

Neither of them noticed the morning sun fading to the intense heat of afternoon sun, as Remus did exactly what Sirius had requested and started from the very beginning, their seventh year when they'd first realised their feelings for each other. They were both so consumed by their own history that they didn't see Madam Pomfrey walking away from the edge of Remus' hangings where she'd overheard the last of their conversation, a gentle smile tugging at her lips as laughter and two eager voices floated through the otherwise still and silent Hospital Wing.

OOOOOOOOO

_Yay, no cliffhanger!_

_How do you think I went with Sirius' thoughts? I confused myself with them so I don't know if his thoughts on Remus were realistic enough. :/ Furthermore, in my opinion this chapter totally sucked. There was something wrong with it but I can't figure out what. Maybe it was too rushed. Anyone else get that feeling? :/ Please let me know what you think of this chapter! :)_

_Next chapter in a couple of days or maybe a little more; I think my mind needs to think the next chapter through more carefully than I did this one._

_Reviews are treasured as always! Don't be shy! :)_


	10. Bring Me Back Home

_Your reviews made my heart sing! Well, technically, my heart did no such thing. It went __**ba-dump ba-dump **__in a rather boring beat like it always does and at no time broke into any of the songs from __The Sound of Music__ or any other type of music. But metaphorically, my heart was rocking out to some raging Rage Against the Machine because of your reviews. Head-banging and one person circle pit ensued... which looked simply ridiculous. But seriously, you guys fucking rock. :)_

_I hope this chapter was up to standard. I didn't actually have this chapter in my plot outline: Sirius went and surprised me with this. But it fits in so well that I had to write it. It's also rather long (ridiculously so) and that's one of the reasons that it took me so damn long to update. Sorry for the wait! _

_Can't wait to move on to the next chapters – romance is my specialty ;D Well, that and writing original psychopathic horror/thriller short stories. _

_God, I'm weird. _

_Anyway, read on!_

OOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 10: Bring Me Back Home**

"Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists... When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence." 

Goncourt

OOOOOOOOO

"You feeling any better?"

Remus looked up and felt a grin split his face as he saw Sirius approaching his bed.

"I have almost full mobility of my arm now. Poppy says I should be fully healed and released by tomorrow".

A mere four days in the Hospital Wing had been enough to heal his arm, even though it had been nearly cleaved right off. Remus had never been more grateful for Madam Pomfrey's more than adequate care.

Sirius threw himself into the chair next to Remus' bed, somehow managing to do so gracefully, flicking his hair out of his eyes as he regarded Remus casually.

"You gonna be alright for the full moon tonight?"

Sirius and James had been the only people that Remus had ever known who could speak of his condition so easily, with such nonchalance; a talent that he noted happily, Sirius had not lost with his memories.

"I've been taking the Wolfsbane potion so I should be alright", at Sirius' puzzled look he remembered that Sirius had no knowledge of such a potion and hastened to explain, "It's a potion that allows me to keep my own mind during the transformation. I can curl up in my flat, a harmless wolf and sleep until the moon sets".

"You keep your mind, eh?", Remus' eyes narrowed at Sirius' intrigued tone and the mischievous glint in his eye, "Imagine all the things that we would have done with that when we were kids".

"I don't want to imagine it", Remus retorted, a smirk quirking his mouth despite his words, "They would all likely as not be highly dangerous, immoral, illegal or all three at once".

"You forgot 'ingenious'".

"So I did".

Sirius smiled. Then his conscious seemed to catch onto something and he tilted his head slightly.

"You're going back to your flat to transform? Why not here? At the Shrieking Shack, or even better now that you can keep your mind, in the Hospital Wing. It would be easier than going back to your flat and I'll be here to keep you company".

Remus busied himself with taking a sip of tea infused with Strength Replenishing potion, subtly avoiding Sirius' gaze while giving himself time to come up with an answer.

It was true that the Wolfsbane potion allowed him his human conscious while in the wolf's body but it did not allow him full control as if he were completely human. The wolf instincts were still there and while they were not strong enough to let him attack anyone or hunt for blood, they still raged inside the wolf body and Remus was only able to keep them under control with his strong will and determination. But if Padfoot was there... it might be quite a different story.

The wolf inside of him was as attached to Sirius as Remus was and the joy of having him alive again could be strong enough to rob Remus of that fragile control that he held over the wolf with the Wolfsbane potion. The wolf would not recognise that Sirius was not exactly the same, it would not be aware of the details of his return; it would just know that its mate had come back to it and the power of that might bring the wolf's instincts to the surface. The instincts to pounce on Padfoot, to play with him as they had when they were younger, to roll around with him, to nuzzle and lick him all over to assure himself of his health, to pin him and nip him to reassert his dominance as Alpha male... Remus was not sure he would be able to stop the wolf from doing all of that. And what's more, the Sirius sitting before Remus now had never spent a night with a werewolf before; certainly not a werewolf who believed him to be his mate, his pack member. It was sure to shock him, alarm him and push him away again. Remus couldn't have that, not when he'd just gotten Sirius' trust and friendship back.

"You don't remember the wolf, you don't remember spending nights with me when I was a werewolf", Remus began quietly, keeping his voice mild and passive in the hope that it would at least get Sirius to listen to his explanation, "But the wolf remembers you. The Wolfsbane potion allows me to be a tame werewolf during the full moon but the instincts are still there and stronger than any other time of the moon's cycle, and the wolf in me still believes you to be... a pack member, a long lost friend. It would never intentionally hurt you but werewolves are not the most gentle or logical of beings when transformed. It will be too much for you to handle all at once, so I don't think it's a good idea for you to be with me tonight".

"Bollocks – I did it before, I can do it again. I'm not scared".

"Sirius, I mean it: I don't want you there tonight".

Although Remus' voice had that steely final edge to it, Sirius still looked as if he were going to argue, jaw clenching, face growing moodier and stormier by the second at the fact that he was being _ordered_ not to do something. Remus was aware that orders had rarely ever worked with Sirius unless it was Remus himself who gave them, but he was sure he no longer had that same phenomenal hold he had once had over him. Once upon a time, if Sirius had done something that had truly angered him, Remus would have become withdrawn, speaking only sparsely and politely to Sirius, driving him mad and eventually to the point of making it up to him. It was the threat of Remus' withdrawal from him that had always forced Sirius to follow at least some of Remus' requests and orders. But Remus was sure that this Sirius feared no such thing as he knew nothing of it and if the stormy look Sirius was giving him was anything to go by, this Sirius did not take orders from anyone, not even Remus.

Sirius said nothing, simply folding his arms and leaning back in his chair to stretch his legs out and cross his ankles. The posture screamed defiance and Remus inwardly sighed. If Sirius' comfort and ease with him in the long run meant that he had to deal with this stroppy, sullen Black now, then so be it. He settled back against his pillows and took another sip of tea, making sure his face was a mask of mild politeness before changing the topic to something else; something he didn't really want to think about but knew that avoiding it would be worse in the long run.

"Are you attending Albus' funeral?"

The sobering subject, spoken in such a quiet voice seemed to bring Sirius out of his 'fit of the sullens' for a moment, his brow creasing and sadness flitting over his handsome features for a moment.

"I don't think so. Harry will be there and it'd give the boy a heart attack if his dead godfather just showed up with no explanation".

"We'll tell him when the time is right, Sirius", Remus said gently, "Albus told us that it would be best for Harry not to know about you for now, that it would make him stronger and prepare him for defeating Voldemort. We have to trust in Albus, his advice has rarely led us astray and it's all we have now".

Remus was now deeply regretting his choice of topic, the morose atmosphere that had so quickly descended on them matching the ominous darkness of the clouds outside and his bones ached at the prospect of the rising moon only hours away.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Remus felt like crying.

He always felt like crying just before the transformation. He rarely indulged in such an act anymore, not for such a predictable, ordinary thing now but every time he felt the tug of the moon on his aching body he would feel the despair well up inside him in the form of tears. It was the knowledge that he would encounter such inescapable pain, so torturous, so unavoidable that it simply made him want to cry out of helplessness. This time was no different.

He covered his face with his hands and dug his heels into the sofa as he felt the moon slowly rising, like a pulsating pull on his body, getting stronger and more vicious. He could feel the wolf snarling inside of him, inside his mind and he let out a groan that came out as more of a primitive growl in the back of his throat. Even though no one was there to witness it, he still felt curdling shame in the pit of his stomach that even in his human body he was still reduced to such animal urges, such monstrous tendencies.

The wolf could feel the moon rising and it was getting more impatient, wanting to be free of its human prison, Remus' bare body wracked with shivers and spasms. He knew it was beginning. The walls and ceiling of his flat were throbbing and pulsing as the terrible ache began in the centre of his head, spreading outwards into the back of his eyes, his ears, his gums. An agonized wail erupted from the back of his throat as he felt his bones snapping and reforming themselves, disfiguring his face into that of a monster. The pain seeped down his chest and arms and he could feel the claws pushing themselves from his hands, his fingers curling and forming large paws as hair sprouted from his whole body like a thousand needles pushing through his skin. He arched his back uncontrollably and his legs tensed like bowstrings, accidentally pushing him off of the couch and onto the floor. He arched himself off the floor in pain, screaming his agony into the rug on his loungeroom floor as his spine elongated, his coccyx burst from his skin, turning into a long wolf's tail.

Wolf Remus, Moony, panted and whimpered as the last aftershock of the transformation faded from his body. He slowly got to his paws, shakily meandering around his flat, looking for the place that he'd like to curl up and sleep through this full moon. The real wolf, the bloodthirsty monster wolf, was tethered and controlled inside of Remus' human mind with the aid of the Wolfsbane potion, but the chain with which it was tied had weak links and he knew not to pressure the situation. The wolf still growled and snarled in his mind to be let free, to run under the moon and hunt but he ignored it, knowing that sleep would stifle the wolf until morning.

He'd just decided on curling up on the hearth when he froze. Thousands of sensitive nerves in his lupine nose received information that was not supposed to be there. Something wasn't as it should be. Remus listened carefully but the powerful silencing charms on his flat went both ways, meaning he could hear nothing from outside and his full moon howls and screams could also not be heard from outside. But it did nothing to hinder his sense of smell. He padded cautiously towards the front door and pressed his nose to the small gap under the door, sniffing deeply.

The wild wolf inside Remus pricked up its ears and squirmed excitedly against its straining tether. It knew that smell, Remus knew that smell. Dread curled in the pit of his stomach and he unconsciously let out a whine, even as his tail betrayed him and gave a nervous wag.

Yes, something was there and the wolf knew _exactly_ what that smell meant.

_Friend. Pack. Mate. __**Mine.**_

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Sirius Black did not take orders from anyone.

It was the only way he knew how to ensure that he was his own person, that he was never controlled by anyone. So whenever anyone ordered him to do or not do something it was instinct for him now to do the opposite. It was a self-preservation thing, he supposed.

He hesitated outside the door to Remus' apartment, staring at the peeling paint curling away from the door and the splintering wood of the door frame. He hadn't expected Remus to live in a place like this; it didn't suit him at all. Sirius was aware that Remus was almost constantly tight on cash and struggled to get a job because of his condition, but he always held himself and spoke with such dignity and grace that Sirius had subconsciously believed that he lived easy. When he'd ordered Kreacher to follow Remus and lead him to where he lived, Sirius had initially thought that Kreacher was trying to trick him when he was led to the run-down muggle apartment block. But after assuring his power over the elf by ordering him to refer to Walburga Black by a string of filthy insults and seeing Kreacher screech and sob while he did so, Sirius knew that the elf wasn't lying to him.

He raised his fist and rapped on the door. Silence met him. He was not alarmed; Remus would undoubtedly have silencing charms up and he knew that the knock would have been heard by sensitive wolf ears. He hesitated for only a moment before unlocking the door with a couple of well-placed spells and slipped into the room.

His heart thudded loudly as he frantically urged his own eyes to adjust to the darkness of the room. Even though he would never admit it to Remus, being in a dark room where a transformed werewolf lurked somewhere was discomfiting to say the least. Soon enough, the room began to look grey instead of pitch-black and he spotted a pair of amber eyes glinting at him from what looked like behind the arm of a couch. The sight startled him but he forced himself forward, reaching the couch and bending into a crouch in front of it, so he could see the gleaming eyes but the wolf remained hidden behind the arm. He smiled encouragingly at the wolf, fear still singing in his veins but he forced himself to focus on how this was Remus, it was Remus in this wolf's body, the man who had risked his life for Sirius more than once, the man who still loved him persistently through everything. He reached out a hand into the gloom where Remus huddled but hesitated when he heard a deep rumbling growl. Truth be told, he was terrified. A werewolf was growling at him as he reached his hand into the darkness where it crouched – he couldn't help but be bloody terrified. But he forced his hand closer, determined to ignore the growl as he knew it wasn't a wolf growling before it tried to rip his hand off, but rather Remus pleading with him, warning him not to come closer. Remus would never hurt him and the wolf before him was not a wolf at all really; it was Remus in a wolf's body.

Sirius' hand met with the deep warmth of thick, coarse fur and he smiled again.

"Come on, Moony. I know you're worried that you'll scare me off but that's not going to happen. I'm not scared and I'm not leaving. Marauders forever, right? So come on out of there, you big softie".

Remus growled again and pulled further back into the darkness, but Sirius heard a desperate whine in the growl and saw vulnerability in the way he pulled away almost shyly. He settled on his knees and shuffled forwards, following Remus into the darkness behind the couch. Both hands now curled into the warm fur of the werewolf and he recognized the bones under his hands as Remus' shoulders, his fingers scratching absent mindedly through the hair.

Remus whined again, a pleading sort of whine as he tried to curl away from Sirius' hands. He was still worried about doing something that would push Sirius away and Sirius knew the thing that would settle his worries at least for a while. In a moment, his hands were gone and were replaced by rough paws, pushing against Remus' chest. Sirius dropped to all fours as the enormous shaggy dog and padded forward, snuffling agreeably at the wolf's muzzle. Now in full dog mode, Sirius wagged his tail, taking in and remembering the deep, spicy smell of the werewolf, smelling a little like Remus and a lot like big, dangerous male wolf. He heard a nose snuffling back at him, sniffing the air and before he could move he was slammed onto the floor on his back.

Sirius' reflexes had always been rather quick but apparently he had nothing on a transformed werewolf. Moony loomed over him, those large amber eyes fixing on him so intently that Sirius instinctively looked away and an alarmed whine escaped from his throat. He couldn't fight a werewolf. Sirius was brave and reckless but he wasn't stupid. Padfoot was a big dog but Moony was bigger and much heavier, stronger and faster. If the wolf wanted to, Sirius would be dead within ten minutes and the wolf would have just been playing with him. But while the wolf certainly looked and felt dangerous, there was an intensity in those eyes that wasn't threatening... it almost seemed happy. The look reinforced the feeling that Moony didn't intend to hurt him and he knew that he was still safe, so he repressed the urge to squirm away, to snap and run and instead he lay limp and unresisting beneath the wolf. He sensed the wolf leaning down, felt the powerful jaws pressing down around his throat but although it was firm, it was also gentle, not even coming close to breaking the skin. Remus' inner wolf was just letting Sirius know who was boss. Recognizing this as a crucial moment, he lay very still, letting Moony hold him there for a few moments before the teeth were gone and a rough, hot tongue was licking the fur at his neck and then his muzzle. Seeing this as permission to get back up, he rolled to his feet and wagged his tail at what he knew to be his new 'pack-mate', his tail thumping loudly on the lounge-room rug and probably sending long black dog hairs everywhere that Remus would probably sigh at come the next day. Moony's tail wagged back at him as he watched him but there was something in those eyes that was changing, the intense happiness fading and then returning, then fading again to a deep anxiety, like a light switching on and off in the wolf's head. Sirius stared, puzzled for a moment before he realised it was Remus fighting with the wolf, trying to gain the control back after it had broken free of the Wolfsbane Potion chain and asserted its dominance. Sirius wagged his tail again to show that he was completely alright but Moony only whined, ears flattening as he started backing up behind the sofa again, shame and guilt making the tail curl between his legs.

Sirius stared for a long moment before deciding on something that was sure to get the real wolf back out and ready to play, and Sirius did want to play; there was something about his own canine body that made him want to run and chase and roll around on the floor, even more so with a fellow canine. He padded over to the large window in Remus' adjoining dining room and gripped the curtains in his teeth, tugging harshly so the curtains were pulled apart. Moonlight, cold and pure flooded the room and Sirius looked up at the giant white orb in the sky, hating it for its cruel hold over his friend but needing its light to bring Remus a little more freedom. He whined over at the giant amber eyes peering at him over the arm of the couch but they didn't move. Sirius gave his friend one more moment to change his mind and come out by himself before he turned back to the window and howled.

Howling was a pleasant sensation. It was like everything, all thoughts and tension flowed from his canine body in one big rush, the raw noise of the sound pleasing to his ears. But he didn't do it for himself; if anything was going to bring wolf Moony back out from behind the Wolfsbane potion it would be his pack-mate howling at the moon. He reared back his head and howled a second time before Moony joined him at his side, snuffling and licking at his face, that wolfish intensity back in his eyes and signaling the true wolf's return. Then as Sirius' howl trailed off, Moony began his own. The wolf's howl was a great deal louder and more guttural, more raw and primal than Padfoot's. It made Sirius shiver a little at how such a sound struck fear in his heart but also excitement and happiness. This was his friend, they were a pack again and he was giving them both back something they had missed, whether he'd been aware that he'd been missing it or not. He joined Moony in another howl, lifting his head to the skies as the wolf did, the canines rejoicing together at finding their place by each other's side again.

And standing, howling at the moon by Remus' side, in perfect sync and harmony with the part of Remus that the man himself loathed and feared, Sirius felt something inside himself break. A resolve, a resistance, a barrier – he wasn't quite sure. But with that little snap inside his body, so sudden, so final, he felt a rush of emotion towards the wolf, towards the _man_ beside him.

It was the feeling of returning home after wandering in cold darkness, a home he was not aware of ever having but felt safe and like he belonged now that he knew he had this place of refuge, the warmth and light in those big amber eyes the beacon to his boat lost at sea.

He then knew that the snap inside of him had been a realization. He'd realized that he'd follow those eyes to the edge of the world and that they would bring him back to where he truly belonged.

Remus would bring him home again.

OOOOOOOOOOO

_Huh? __**Huh?**__ How'd I do? Let me know, let me know! Good or bad, I crave your comments, kind citizens of Wolfstarville!_

_Next chapter soon, I'll try to be quicker. :)_


	11. Like Two Halves Of A Map

_I don't think I'm ever going to get over how many wonderful reviews this fic has. I'm forever grateful! Seriously, reviews make me ecstatic. __**Corny three person jump hug!**__ Except I'm by myself... and well, those jump hugs are just silleh... :/_

_Again, sorry for the delay but I had to do all that enrolling stuff for university (spoken with the eloquence of a future human disease researcher! XD) and I was freaking out and stuff. I hope this chapter is alright and not too disjointed or choppy, reflecting the state of my mind._

_Read on!_

OOOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 11: Like Two Halves Of A Map**

"_L'amour est la seule passion qui ne souffreni passé ni avenir." _

- _Love is the only passion that cares not about the past or the future.___

__- ___Balzac_

OOOOOOOOOO

Remus felt as if all the marrow in his bones had been siphoned from his body and replaced with lead.

That was the norm after a full moon but it always alarmed him a little at how intense the heaviness was, how difficult it suddenly became to move his limbs, as if the lead in his bones was truly weighing him down, sinking him deeply into whatever surface he was currently stuck to. He squirmed, trying to loosen his limbs and bring life back into them but he only succeeded in firing up the ache in his body and tiring himself out from the simple movement. But he was surprised to feel that the ache was less than usual and as he opened his eyes he found that it was already actually easing very slightly. He squinted as he looked around while trying not to move his neck too much, his muscles feeling tight and strained.

He was in his bed in the one bedroom of his flat and he was shocked to find that he was beneath the blankets, the thin but warm material pulled up to his chin and tucked comfortably beneath his shoulders. He couldn't have dragged himself there after his transformation; he was always too exhausted to even move, let alone drag himself to bed and then tuck himself in. He frantically wracked his mind for any memories regarding last night or this morning, worried about just who might have seen him in his most shameful state and had still cared enough to put him to bed. The memories of a full moon always came much easier if he'd been taking the Wolfsbane potion as it was really his mind in the wolf's body, and this time was no exception; the memories flooding back, a little hazy but quite real.

_Sirius crouching before him, beckoning to him to come out from behind the couch... Padfoot pinned beneath the wolf, Moony's enormous jaws fixed firmly around the dog's throat... Remus himself fighting an internal battle with the wolf... __**Mate, mine, claim mate, "No!", mine, play, play, play, "Don't, don't! Leave him alone!", howl, mate, play, mine, "Please, please don't do this", mine, mine, MINE**__... standing by Padfoot's side, howling joyously up at the full moon beyond the dining room window. Then through the night, constant movement, pinning each other to the floor, knocking over various pieces of furniture and ornaments, nipping playfully at each other and pouncing, rolling, wrestling... The moon sinking lower in the sky, Moony lying exhausted by Padfoot's side, Moony's tongue slowly laving all over Padfoot's face and muzzle, the wolf rumbling contentedly as it took uncharacteristically gentle care of its long-lost mate, the lethal teeth hidden behind soft, furry lips and an enormous, sharp claw resting leisurely on the dog's side as a silent warning for him to be still and accept the caring cleaning the wolf was bestowing on him... Sirius' tail thumping on the rug rhythmically as he gave little licks to the end of the wolf's nose in return, not even a hint of fear in his scent, only happiness and exhaustion... Padfoot licking Remus' human face frantically after the last aftershocks of his transformation faded... Padfoot changing to Sirius, Sirius' hands smoothing shakily over his sweaty brow, concerned grey eyes looking down into his own._

Remus sat up with a start.

_Sirius had been here last night – Padfoot had been here last night._

His sudden movement flared the pain in his muscles and he let out a soft cry as he fell back onto the bed, his revelation dimmed in the light of the agony his body was in. He calmed his breathing as the pain faded and he became aware of... footsteps?... hurriedly approaching the bedroom. _Sirius was still here?_

"Merlin, you've been out for a whole bloody day – I thought I'd have to call Madam Pomfrey to come see you. Of course, then she'd blame me – excess exertion and all that, but it's not excess, is it? It was perfectly necessary exertion; no wonder your wolfy self is so grouchy, being cooped up all the time. I had to let him out and have a bit of fun. How are you feeling?"

Remus' foggy mind struggled to keep up with Sirius' breathless rambling and he simply stared at the man, bewildered as he strode into the room and immediately set about casually rummaging in a bag next to Remus' bed.

"I'm... alright. It's normal for me to sleep that long after the full moon".

Sirius procured a goblet and a vial of murky brown liquid from the bag and poured said liquid into the goblet before handing it to Remus.

"Nicked this from Poppy", he said casually, grinning as he elaborated at the incredulous, disapproving look on Remus' face, "She won't miss it; it's just strong pain relief potion".

Remus sat up slightly, his muscles protesting as he tipped the goblet back and grimaced as the disgusting peppermint flavoured liquid scorched his throat. He placed the goblet on his bedside table and turned his attention to Sirius, giving him the firm stare that had always made the students he'd taught squirm and apologize for their misdemeanours.

"I told you that I didn't want you here", he said, his voice weary despite the anger that he tried to project into it, "Something terrible might have happened; I could have accidentally hurt you, werewolves are rough by nature and because you were there I wasn't in full control last night".

"Yeah, I gathered that much", Sirius grinned, "I didn't think you'd ever bite my tail when you're not a big bad wolf".

Remus stared at him in exasperation and a little annoyance, although he didn't miss the little flutter of affection in his chest.

"I _bit_...? Alright, never mind that. But you're really okay with last night, I didn't do anything that... alarmed you?"

Sirius shrugged, still grinning. "I'm fine, just a bit tired. You really _do_ like to play when you're a wolf, don't you? You didn't give me a moment of peace."

Remus tried desperately to keep his face expressionless even as he felt his cheeks heating up in a blush. The wolf's actions during the full moon could often be interpreted as a dark reflection of his own desires that he never acted upon. This didn't mean that he wanted to kill people, it simply meant that the wolf was dangerously impulsive and the fact that the wolf had been all over Sirius last night was alarmingly close to what Remus had been forcing himself to hold back from doing. He was afraid of the wolf not only because it was a monster, but because it was also himself.

"I told you not to, Sirius", he said quietly to his hands clasped in his lap, "I didn't want you to see me like that. The wolf doesn't have boundaries, it doesn't understand that you don't remember me, it just knows that you've come back to it – to me. That's why I acted the way I did and I didn't want you to see that part of me".

Sirius had paused, listening intently to Remus' words as his eyes fixed on a chip in the wood of the bedside table. When he replied his voice was firm and left no room for argument. "I like that part of you. It's the part that can't hide behind politeness and can't avoid things like you always do; it makes you do things just because it wants do them. It's helped me... it let me know who I am again and where I stand".

Remus stared at him, trying to discern what Sirius might have meant when Sirius shrugged abruptly and grinned, snapping out of his seriousness.

"Ah, I just remembered! I looked around while you were sleeping – you sleep like the dead, by the way – and you have a spare bedroom. It's mostly empty and could do with a dust but I like it just fine, I don't like things all grand and all that toff business; that all reminds me of my dear old mum. No doubt you know what a horrible old bitch she was", Sirius punctuated this with a grimace as he plopped down onto the edge of the bed, which Remus completely failed to notice as he was too busy being surprised to notice anything other than what he knew Sirius was getting at in his winding, round-about way.

"So, how about it? I don't have anywhere else to go and I know Poppy is only keeping me in the Hospital Wing because she feels sorry for me going dotty and losing my memory. And judging by last night, at least a small part of you will be happy to have me around, although I'd appreciate it if you tell that part of you that I don't want to wrestle and roll around on the floor every five minutes".

Sirius smiled emphatically, seeming to be completely unaware of Remus' shocked state or the fact that he was crushing Remus' leg beneath him.

"You want to... stay here... at my place?", Remus fumbled, his loss for words rather uncharacteristic although Sirius didn't seem bothered by it as he leaned back on a hand and swung one leg up to rest it on the bed next to Remus.

"Yeah, if you'll have me", he shrugged, "I can pay my own way, so you don't have to worry about that. But I don't want to go out and get my own place or rent somewhere, and I'd sooner snog Kreacher than go and live back at the Black house. I'd rather stay with you. I want to know more about you and more about myself and how you knew me".

Remus felt a little bit numb and his mouth felt dry.

Sirius live with him? Like the old friends they had once been? He didn't quite know what to think or feel. He supposed he was a little bit happy – ecstatic, in fact – that Sirius wanted to live with him but he also felt a little apprehensive, knowing that living with Sirius would be like rubbing salt in a wound; he would be with Sirius all the time but he wouldn't be _with_ him. It would only deepen the pain of losing Sirius' love, if not his friendship, and what's more, he wasn't sure that Sirius had thought about this deeply enough. He probably hadn't taken into consideration how awkward things might get living together after they had once been together so intimately. Above all, Remus didn't want to make him uncomfortable and push him away.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Sirius. Living together after we used to be so close... it won't be very easy, not for you and not for me. I don't want to make you uncomfortable".

"Bollocks, you don't make me uncomfortable".

"But I might if we began living together".

"You won't. I'm used to you by now and I'm sure you're the only person that can handle living with me for any length of time".

"It's not a matter of being used to me", Remus insisted earnestly, trying to make Sirius see why they couldn't do this, what it would _do_ to him mentally and emotionally, "It's the knowledge that we used to live together but under very different circumstances and it's also how I know so much more about you than you know about me. I'm practically a stranger to you but I know you better than I know anyone else".

"I don't think you're a stranger", Sirius replied simply.

At Remus' incredulous look and at how he looked as if he were going to continue arguing, Sirus held up his hands, palms outwards and began listing on his fingers, "You have three obsessions: tea, reading and chocolate. Your best friends are James, Lily and the honorable Sirius Black, the last of which you were in a lasting relationship with and are still patient enough to put up with. You feel cold even when it's bloody summer outside and you can sleep anywhere, anytime and as if you're unconscious. You have a secret talent for mischief and general marauder mayhem although you do the respectable, responsible act incredibly well. You have the patience of a professor and you would do anything for your friends. You're a good listener and are brilliant at keeping secrets and lying, and when you get angry you just get even politer than usual. You're pants at potions but you were a brilliant professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts. You have a guilty complex, even though you think you're good at hiding it. The thing you're scared most of is yourself and although you have every reason not to, you still believe in the good of mankind".

When Remus didn't say anything, Sirius pressed smugly, "So how did I do for a stranger?"

Remus gaped at him a little more, his mind spinning at the fact that Sirius had actually been observing and listening to him so closely over the past two weeks. It was unnerving and unexpected and, even though he wished he didn't, he felt the tingle of hope that Sirius might still love him kindle into a modest flame. Then eventually he found his voice and he murmured faintly to cover up his shock, "Not bad for a stranger, I suppose. But I'm not _that_ bad at potions – I only blew up the one cauldron in sixth year".

Sirius' grin turned into a bark of laughter and then miraculously, Remus found his own chuckle joining in before growing into a full peal of laughter until they had both collapsed, hysterical with uncontrollable laughter at absolutely nothing.

But after the night of the full moon and after everything that Sirius had said, Remus couldn't dispel the inexorable feeling that he was being grounded, that he was being brought home. Like two halves of a map, one would never be complete without the other and he sensed the barrier between Sirius and he blurring, fading into nothing more than a dream as two halves sought to become whole with the other once again.

Perhaps living with Sirius wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

_Someone kill me before it's too late. I'm now stuck writing __**four**__ more SBRL fics that are all in excess of 25,000 words. Seriously, these ideas sneak up on me and then accumulate in my head, making one huge headache until I start writing them. Hopefully this one will finish soon so I can really make some headway with the other three. I'd say five or six more chapters to go for this one. _

_Sirius' proposal and the ending really did mess with my head. I couldn't figure out if I'd done okay with it or not because I think it's rather unrealistic for someone to just say something like that but this _is_ Sirius we're talking about. Keeping in character, I don't think it's too farfetched to think that he'd do that; he never seemed to bother with niceties or anything in the books. Also, I can't decide whether I like the ending or not. :/_

_Thanks for sticking around, people. :) Hope you like this chapter! Don't forget to give me your opinion on... well anything. I __**love**__ reviews! _

_Hopefully not too long until the next chapter, I know this one wasn't too great. _


	12. Flatmates And Cigarettes

_Longest chapter IN THE HISTORY OF MY WORLD._

_I appreciate all your words; they mean so much. I still can't believe that so many of you follow this fic; the thought alone makes me smile like mad. _

_I am so so so sorry for how long this has taken me – I just never expected university to be so damn full on; apparently science degrees require a lot more contact time than others and my uni is a fair bit away so it's a 7 to 5 day most days. _

_So this fic will take longer to finish than expected but it __**will be finished**__. Writing is one of my few leisure activities and I wouldn't give it up for anything. This chapter was difficult to write though so that might also have contributed to the enormous amount of time it took to finish. I'll try to be quicker! Please don't give up on me! :)_

OOOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 12: Flatmates and Cigarettes**

"_We perceive when love begins and when it declines by our embarrassment when alone together." _

- Jean de la Bruyere

OOOOOOOOOO

"It's really not much. Are you _sure_ you don't want to stay somewhere else?"

Sirius sighed, wondering what would be the right answer to get Remus to stop asking that question over and over again. He couldn't think of such an answer, so instead he replied casually, "Bloody hell, were you always more insecure than a thirteen year old girl, or is it just today?"

Remus lip twitched and he sighed wearily before looking back down at the set of keys he was attempting to sort through.

"Why do you need those anyway? You're a wizard, remember?" Sirius pointed out absently, slouching against the door that Remus was currently trying to unlock.

"Because", Remus replied calmly as he finally pulled the door open with rather excessive force, catapulting Sirius out of the way, "I live in a Muggle apartment block. I need to keep up the appearance of being a regular Muggle and for that matter, so do you; so actually _carry_ that".

Grudgingly, Sirius lowered his wand and caught his new suitcase filled with new clothes before it could hit the floor. Then just as Remus' words were registering and it was dawning on him that he was surrounded by _Muggles_ in this building, with all their peculiar gadgets and strange ways and weird lifestyles, he was hurriedly ushered into the apartment by Remus. Remus had apparently seen the look of intense curiosity and wonder cross Sirius' face and had intervened before the Muggles around them ever got the chance to really understand the meaning of the word 'annoying'.

"So we're surrounded by Muggles right now?" Sirius exclaimed excitedly as soon as Remus had closed the door behind them.

"Yes, and the thing they want least in this world is to have their lives disrupted by Sirius Black".

"They'll love me once they meet me. Everyone does!", Sirius scoffed, turning to look around at Remus' apartment and missing the strange mix of amusement and anxiety cross Remus' face at his words.

Remus had been right: it wasn't much. Sirius had of course known this the night of the full moon as then the apartment had seemed the size of a broom cupboard with a huge werewolf and rather large dog boisterously rolling around all over the floor. But now in the late morning light with the expectation that he was to judge this place, he found that there was something about it that brought a genuine smile to Sirius' face.

Yes, it was small, old and run down, as was everything in it, but it felt like a home, like a place that had meaning to someone. Before he knew what he was doing, Sirius had transformed into Padfoot and, ignoring the amused and annoyed exclamation from Remus, (_"For Merlin's sake, I'm not allowed dogs in here, Sirius. And you better keep your dog hair off my things!"_), he set off around the little flat. He followed his nose all over the apartment, tail wagging excitedly at all the new scents and at Remus' which was by now familiar to him. He sensed Remus' tension when he sniffed huge, old tomes on the bottom shelf of the bookcase and again when he sniffed a photo on the coffee table and he knew the things that Remus treasured most. He quickly left those and followed the scent of Remus all the way to the bathroom where he knocked over soap, shampoo and deodorant when he jumped into the bath before jumping out again. He heard Remus mutter something behind him but he was already on his way to where the strongest scents were coming from; the bedroom. It was just _Remus Remus Remus Remus_, and he couldn't help but launch himself into the wardrobe and rub his hair off onto Remus' clothes, despite a rather audible sigh from the unfortunate owner of the clothes. In his canine state he knew only that it was instinct to try to own something and be owned by a pack member, but his human mind was still present and he knew that he wanted Remus to smell like him and that the implications of such a thing were just a bit troubling.

He hurriedly got out of the wardrobe, hoping that Remus wouldn't pick up on that, but he stopped when he smelled something different. It was familiar... strikingly so, like the smell of someone that he had known a long time ago but the image of the person had faded and all that remained was the lingering scent. He followed his nose back to the wardrobe and got up onto his hind legs to sniff at the high shelf from where the smell was coming. Soft footfalls behind him and then Remus was there, silently reaching up onto the shelf and pulling a worn, faded garment down, uncannily aware of what was going on in Sirius' mind. Padfoot sniffed carefully at the garment which he now saw was a faded shirt with his favourite band's name plastered across the front.

"I don't know why I kept this", Remus said softly after a moment's pause, "It's the only item of clothing of yours that I kept when you were sent to Azkaban. It was your favourite shirt and I guess I just couldn't throw it away with all the rest; it had a lot of memories and I thought that maybe they all couldn't have been lies, that this was a sort of link back to the real Sirius that I didn't believe to be a traitor".

With a small pop Sirius was standing next to Remus as a man again and he gently took the shirt from Remus' unresisting hands.

"That's the smell then; it's me?"

Remus' mouth quirked up slightly and he looked away uncomfortably.

"It's partly me too. Before you fell through the veil I used to wear it whenever I was away on Order work", Sirius smirked slightly as he saw a slight tinge of colouring in Remus' cheeks as he spoke, "And before you went to Azkaban I wore it when either of us were on long missions for the Order. That's probably why you couldn't recognize the smell right away".

Sirius looked down at the shirt which still held the combined scent of him and Remus; a new smell to him but one that was obviously of comforting familiarity to Remus. There were so many things Sirius still wanted to ask him. What had happened to them that they had no longer trusted each other when he was made secret keeper? How had he convinced Lily and James to change secret keepers? How, after thirteen years of torment, did Remus forgive him? How exactly had Remus brought him back from the veil?

Instead, in a moment of uncharacteristic uncertainty he stayed silent. Remus cleared his throat awkwardly before pleasantly offering to show Sirius to his room. Jerking out of his thoughts, Sirius shrugged and followed him, wishing that he could think of something more meaningful to say than "I hope you know how to cook because I barely know how to make toast". Perhaps living with Remus wouldn't be as carefree and easy as he'd though it would be. There was still a lot of tension between them, evident from the way they couldn't meet each other's eyes over the simple shirt, symbolic of how there was so much more between them, hidden by comforting layers of simplicity and feigned ignorance. As he forced himself not to risk curious glances at the attractive curve of Remus' backside as he led him to his new room, Sirius realised that convincing Remus to explore what they had once had would not be as simple as he'd thought.

OOOOOOOOOO

Sirius sighed and rolled over onto his stomach on the worn, old couch, rearranging the magazine so he could read it without craning his neck at such an odd angle. He straightened the pages so Joyce Knight, the one good Chaser of the Chudley Cannons, flew from one of the spread pages to the next, her daring and rather ingenious evasive maneuver not lost in the crease between the pages. Unsurprisingly, Quidditch was only one of the numerous things that had moved on without him for more than fifteen years.

There were so many things in the world that he had missed out on. Remus and he had figured out that he was a little more than fifteen years older than he was in his last memory. Every time Sirius looked in the mirror (and he now made sure to do that rather less than he used to), he could see those years hidden in the faint wrinkles at the corner of his eyes and in the rougher tone to his skin. He'd aged sixteen-odd years in what felt like overnight to him and the thought terrified him, but Remus' gaze never told him that he was older; in fact, Remus' gaze made him feel young again with the way his eyes brightened ever so slightly and his lips curved upwards in a smile whenever he looked at him.

Regardless, he was still left without sixteen years of memories of all the advances in the wizarding world. The Ministry of Magic, Quidditch, the Muggle world, his old colleagues and friends, amendments to wizard laws and new laws made – there was fifteen years of it all that he didn't remember. Remus had been helping him catch up with everything now that he was living in his apartment. He'd given him books, magazines, newspapers and had answered all of his questions with the endless patience of the professor he used to be. Remus had told him the details of Voldemort's fall and rise, of how the wizarding world had changed, how the Muggle world had changed, of the new Minister of Magic and new laws. Remus had told him all that he knew of their mutual old friends, what had happened to them over the years and also all that he knew of Quidditch and Sirius' old favourite team, The Holyhead Harpies, including who all the new players were. Sirius never ceased to be amazed at it all. It felt like a dream, like he was wandering through a land that existed only in his imaginative sleeping state where all was possible and nothing was reality. But he would wake up every morning and wander into the kitchen and see Remus' smile and he would know that he could never dream up something like that.

Each morning would begin that way.

Sirius would wake up to the subtle smell of Remus' favourite tea which was often accompanied by the smell of warm toast. He would stumble into the kitchen, still in pyjamas, usually to find Remus already awake and dressed for the day, smiling warmly at him from behind a copy of the Daily Prophet, the cover of which would contain the news of more disappearances and violent crimes with all the tell-tale signs of Death Eaters. Sirius would shuffle around, making himself coffee, already rather at home in Remus' kitchen as he could probably find everything blind by now, and take the plate of toast that Remus had left for him, kept hot and fresh with a simple homely spell that Remus had told him he'd learned from Lily back in fifth year.

Remus, still polite as ever, would ask him how he slept and then procure another magazine or book for Sirius to look over that held details of what he'd missed out in the past years. After a while, Remus would leave to get research papers from the Order or to bring supplies back but he would always come back within a few hours. Sirius got the feeling that Remus got anxious if he was away from him for too long, as if he would disappear if Remus wasn't there. Which, of course, annoyed him. He hated the feeling of being trapped, of being pressured and obligated towards someone, even if he did care about that someone. Sirius considered himself to be a man of action and to have to sit, stay, be a good boy, made him yearn even more for the daring thrill of battle and adventure. Sirius did not do captivity well, not being free to do what he wanted naturally made him rebel – that had always been part of him, it defined him in a way. Over the weeks, turning to months, he became more prone to restless sullen fits in which Remus' possessions felt the full brunt of Sirius' frustrations.

Remus would increasingly frequently come back to find the place a mess because Sirius had gotten bored and frustrated and had thought it would be fun to turn into Padfoot and rip up all the copies of the Daily Prophet that he could find before chewing a hole in the already rather worn couch. Quite a few times when Sirius turned into Padfoot he also couldn't resist pulling all of Remus' blankets and sheets off his bed and all his clean but most used clothes out of his wardrobe to roll around all over them, covering them with Padfoot's smell and hair. Remus would come back, arms laden with books and papers that he planned to go over for the Order, or food shopping, and see Padfoot lounging in an exhausted sleep on a rumpled pile of Remus' sheets and clothes.

Quietly, Remus would wake him up, his face a mask of forced expressionless that could look rather alarming so steely and frozen, those brown eyes flickering with a deep amber in his suppressed anger, such anger rarely expressed.

Sirius didn't know why he did all of those things while Remus was away. He appreciated all that Remus had done and continued to do for him but there was some part of him that hankered for a reaction from the man that was always so mild-mannered and gentle. It gave Sirius a strange, exciting thrill to see the deep, fierce amber in those eyes when Remus was feeling strong emotions, a hint of the wolf brought out in the animalistic gaze. But Remus had phenomenal self control and he would only shoo Padfoot away from the mess of blankets before cleaning them with some cleaning spells before taking them to the laundry to soak them in some magical soap that would get rid of all the dog hair. He'd then fix the hole in the couch with a spell and charm the ripped up paper to gather itself into one huge ball before rolling itself into the bin. Then Remus would silently get on with his day, setting up his papers and books at the table to go through them and write things down from them without looking once in Sirius' direction. After watching him for a moment, Sirius would glare at him in frustration before huffing and trotting off as Padfoot to go and find one of Remus' belts to chew in the hopes of getting a reaction out of him.

Otherwise, life continued on in a strangely polite but strained spiral, the tension coiling between them until each day Sirius was sure it was going to simply explode, ripping their fragile, carefully reconstructed friendship apart and taking with it Sirius' reassembled scraps of life with it.

Sirius flipped another page of the magazine and sighed dramatically before letting his head collapse down onto the couch. Remus had been gone for quite a number of hours now and it was getting late. Sirius wasn't worried exactly, but he was frustrated. He felt so useless waiting for someone and being so dependent on them. Restless, he tossed the magazine aside and stretched before making his grumbling way over to Remus' writing desk which was predictably as old and battered as everything else the man owned. Not even sparing a moment for the guilt Sirius supposed he should have felt, he bent down and rummaged in the bottom drawer until he came upon the frayed and bent cigarette packet. He'd found it the other day when in a fit of boredom he had rummaged through Remus' desk hoping to come across something that might tell him more about the reserved man he lived with and might also alleviate some of his boredom. He certainly hadn't expected to find cigarettes but it didn't look as if Remus had smoked any in a long time by the state of the package and as Sirius rolled an unlit smoke between his fingers, he mused that smoking would suit Remus. It suited him in a different way to which it suited himself; it would undoubtedly have somehow made Remus look more refined and accentuate his lapses into mild-mannered gentlemanly moments, a contrast to how Sirius suspected it made himself look simply more outlawed and solitary than usual. With the ominous amber glow of the sinking sun streaming through the open windows as he turned to lean against one of the frames and without being aware of it, Sirius' mind stuck on the image of Remus smoking a cigarette, comfortably reclining in a chair by the warmth of the fire (logic didn't dare interrupt Sirius' daydream to point out that Remus would _never_ smoke indoors even if he did smoke), smoke curling from the tip of the cigarette and disappearing momentarily into the overhanging strands of his fringe, those eyes glowing slightly with that curious brightness and those lips curved upwards in the mysterious way that somehow told Sirius that he'd just said something that had reminded him of something. The lit cigarette hung limply from between Sirius' fingers, dropping ash onto the windowsill as he lost himself in the interestingly attractive image that his mind had conjured for him. He couldn't handle much smoking anyway as this body certainly wasn't used to smoking and he still felt a little funny around the edges after a smoke, even though he'd relished the habit for a couple of years in his youth.

The cigarette was not even half smoked when a pleasantly familiar sound filtering through the warm summer air tweaked something deep within his chest. It was a deep rumbling sound that could almost be mistaken for thunder if it wasn't for that occasional tell-tale burst of deep growling. He would have known that sound anywhere. A manic grin sprung to his face and he leaned out of the window slightly to look down at the car park behind the apartment block, his heart suddenly racing, hoping fiercely. He was not disappointed.

His pride, his joy, his precious baby was in the car park, her chrome gleaming in the fading sunlight and her engine growling so powerfully that it made his hair stand on end. If his beautiful motorbike had eyes he knew she'd be winking at him as if to say 'Well; what are you waiting for?'. He hardly even saw Remus standing beside her, smiling up at him and laughing at Sirius' shouted exclamation of, "_You've got to be fucking me_!"

In fact, Sirius didn't see anything as he dropped his cigarette out of the window, (ignoring the niggling whisper in his head that sounded remarkably like Remus protesting at such a thing) ran out of the apartment, down the staircases that seemed to stretch on forever and out into the car park. There she was, bigger than he remembered and even more beautiful than he'd thought. He ran a hand reverently over the leather seat, the vibrations running up his arm and making him want to simply jump and shout and laugh with raucous joy. There was nothing – _nothing_ – in the wizarding or muggle world that compared to riding his motorbike. A broom had its appeal for sure; there was elegance, speed, grace and convenience but his bike, now that was something else. The power he felt when sitting astride the bike was incomparable to anything he could even imagine, save perhaps riding a dragon. It was ferocity, power and strength and it was all his. It was his key to freedom not only from any problems he had in his life, but it was also freedom from himself; there was nothing but him and his bike up in the sky, nothing but the roar of the wind and the louder roar of the engine.

"Before you went to Azkaban you gave her to Hagrid", Remus spoke gently, jerking Sirius out of his trance, "He looked after her well but not long ago he crashed it trying to get Harry to the safe house and I know how much you loved it, so I found all the pieces I could and tried to put her back together".

Sirius' look of awe and gratitude made Remus look away uncomfortably and his cheeks became tinged a light pink hue as he kept speaking to cover his embarrassment.

"Sorry it took so long. Now I can really appreciate how hard you used to work to get her up and running; it's a complicated bit of magic. I worked on it every day and it still took me months".

Sirius continued to smooth his hand over the bike, uncharacteristically lost for words, a huge, terrifyingly unfamiliar tangle of emotions grappling with each other in his head. Finally relieving him the daunting task of trying to understand what was happening in his head, Remus offered with a tinge of amusement in his voice, "Well are you going to take her for a ride or are you just going to stand there catching flies for the rest of the day?"

Sirius promptly shut his mouth, intending to thank Remus, to tell him how fucking amazing he thought he was, but all that the suave, witty and charming Sirius Black could do was shake his head dumbly while grinning like a loon. Giving up on words, he swung his leg over the seat, relishing how the bike seemed so alive and just as appreciative as he was to be going for a ride.

"Remus", Sirius shook his head dumbly, "I don't-"

"Don't say anything", Remus said firmly, smiling gently at him, "The green button is an invisibility button so the Muggles won't see; just go. I know you need a bit of a break from everything".

Sirius just grinned at him, full of wonder and appreciation at this man's understanding and selflessness and beneath it all something a little warmer rose up from deep down in his stomach. His eyes caught on the odd strands of Remus' hair that glowed deep and warm in the fading light, his face weary and somewhat lined but the sincere happiness that somehow made his face shine had seemed to melt some of the years off tonight. The warm feeling in Sirius' stomach seemed to grow as he looked at Remus, becoming heavier and spreading and somehow making him feel lighter as if he didn't need the bike to fly tonight. He quickly looked away from Remus and tried to shake himself back to sense before he and the bike roared off, his thumb finding the little green button on the handlebars just as they were gathering enough speed to take off. He couldn't help but let out a whoop of joy as the wind brushed his hair back from his face as the bike rose into the air, the machine shuddering beneath him as the magic took over. Technically, he couldn't actually see the bike as the invisibility was more of a camouflage charm and he could just see the blurred apartments and car park getting smaller where his leg should have been. But that didn't matter to him.

It didn't matter that he was currently an outcast of the world, that he could feel an era of the world was being brought to an inexorable, unstoppable end, that he'd lost so many important parts of his life to a black nothingness, that the only friend he now had was undeniably starting to stir some deep emotions inside of him that he couldn't ever remember feeling. Everything was all brought together in the blood streaked sky and the burning sunset, in the deep roar of the engine and the wind whipping through his hair. No matter what happened, he had now and right then, that was enough.

OOOOOOOOOOO

Remus watched from the window in his apartment as a space in the car park seemed to shimmer for a moment before a motorbike and a rather windswept rider materialized out of thin air. He dearly hoped no Muggles had been looking down at the car park just then but he supposed it might have offered them an explanation to the roaring noise of the motorbike that had been circling the sky of the surrounding blocks for the last couple of hours. He smiled as he watched Sirius park his pride and joy with the care that a bloke might show when opening a car door for a girlfriend when both the car and the girlfriend were new. He watched Sirius pat the seat lovingly one last time before he raced off toward the apartment building, looking a little stiff but so exuberantly happy that Remus chuckled a little. He leaned against the window frame as he listened patiently for the loud thumps of Sirius thundering up the stairs but even so, he still almost jumped as the door burst open to admit a wild looking Sirius Black. His hair, even wild and mussed still managed to fall around his face in such a way that only highlighted his roughish good looks and his eyes sparkled with joy. His grin split his face from ear to ear and it didn't fade even as he shut the door behind him with his foot. Remus realised he himself was grinning inexplicably and distracted himself by waving his hand in offering at the two bowls of stew still steaming slightly where he'd placed them roughly twenty minutes ago.

"I thought you might want something warm after being up there for so long".

"Yeah, I guess, thanks... but really, that was just amazing!" Sirius grinned distractedly, flopping down into a chair at the dining room table, "I haven't felt like that in ages; too long. Thank you, really. I don't know-".

Sirius broke off and just shook his head, still smiling but apparently not knowing what to say.

Smiling, Remus tossed the packet of cigarettes onto the table in front of Sirius, saying simply, "Really it's fine. But I suppose you want to complete the post-ride tradition".

He'd found the packet and the ash of a smoked cigarette on the windowsill but he was more surprised that he still had these than surprised that Sirius had found them. He was also a little surprised to find that he was rather not bothered that Sirius had been rummaging through his desk; he supposed his mind was still desperately holding onto the 'what's mine is yours' relationship mentality he and Sirius had shared for such a long time.

Sirius had the good grace to look at least a little sheepish before looking up at Remus to find just wry amusement on his face.

"Well, it's not like I was going to use them anyway".

Sheepishness completely gone at Remus' words, Sirius cheerfully lit one up with his wand and inhaled more shallowly than he remembered so he wouldn't feel too dizzy. Then he caught the look Remus was giving him with the customary raised eyebrow and he read the head jerk towards the open window to mean that logic had been right before and Remus definitely did not approve of smoking inside. 

"I take it you don't smoke then?", he mumbled around the cigarette as he made his way over to lean against the wall by the window next to Remus. He hoped Remus didn't hear the disappointment in his voice – he had to admit to himself that the image of a smoking Remus had stirred a deep interest in him.

"Used to. Stopped a while back", Remus shrugged, "It never really suited me like it did you, I always felt like I looked out of place".

"Bullshit; you're one of the only people I've known who could make smoking look good. All mysterious and intellectual and hot-".

Sirius cut himself off abruptly but Remus had a fair idea of what he had meant by that last remark by the uncharacteristic red flush that was spreading up Sirius' neck and over his cheeks as he froze. Remus didn't even have time to register the implications of the words before he was taken completely off-guard by a memory so strong and real it was like looking into a Pensieve.

_Smoke drifted and furled from the end of the cigarette held elegantly between Remus' fingers, rising out of the open window and up into the blackness of the night before being swallowed by the gentle rain. Remus' eyes followed it absently, his mind elsewhere, trying to remember in which book he'd seen the details of that spell Dumbledore had hinted might be useful that evening at the Order meeting. He flicked the cigarette with his thumb, the ashes fluttering into the fathomless depths of darkness beyond the window sill as he struggled with his memory and fought back a yawn. _

_Arms wrapped around his waist and while he hadn't heard anyone approaching, he wasn't surprised or startled. _

"_Did you know that you smoking is number eight on my top ten list of things I like to watch?", Sirius' deep voice murmured into his ear. _

_Remus smiled, leaning back into the warmth of the embrace as he let his eyes slip shut. He took a short drag on the cigarette and let the smoke out with a quiet, content moan as soft lips brushed against his shoulder and neck._

"_Hmm, and what's number one?", he smirked, having a fair idea what the perverted mind of Sirius Black would most love watching._

_He felt the silken glide of Sirius' lips against his neck as the man smirked back. The arms encircling Remus tightened momentarily letting Remus feel a fraction of the considerable strength in them, making his heart and mind race. _

"_Why don't I show you?"_

_The cigarette was hastily stubbed out and fifteen minutes later Remus was lying naked beneath Sirius while their pulses were finally starting to slow down and Sirius was laughing his agreement – breathlessly since they were both still panting a little – as Remus grumbled that now he needed another cigarette._

Remus was brought back to the present abruptly to see Sirius staring at him with embarrassment and concern. It took him a couple of moments but when he realised that he'd been drawn into such an intimate memory with Sirius standing right in front of him, he felt his face and ears burn and he shifted a little uncomfortably.

"Err, thank you", he managed to say, his mind begging to ponder on Sirius' last words for longer but he realised how dangerous that would be for him and he steered his thoughts away.

Sirius nodded taking another drag of the cigarette in the awkward deafening silence. It seemed to stretch on for forever and Remus was just about to break it by suggesting that they go and eat dinner when Sirius spoke, venturing cautiously as if voicing something he had been thinking about for a while. "I know that I haven't been the easiest person to live with but... thanks, I guess, for letting me stay here and helping me out with – everything".

Remus glanced at him briefly before he turned back to the open window, his eyes immediately seeking out the gentle hues fading into the fiery, intense colours of a sunset sky. Apologies and thanks did not come easily from Sirius Black. Remus had always believed this to be a part of his strict and abusive upbringing and he knew that every time that Sirius had ever apologised or thanked him, he was denying his family by doing something that did not come naturally to Blacks, something that he had to fight himself to do.

"I wouldn't have it any other way", he replied, smiling slightly.

He sensed Sirius looking at him and he turned away from the brilliant burnt orange and rustic pink of the sky to look back. Sirius had an indecipherable look on his face, his eyes searching Remus' face so intently that Remus was starting to feel like he should move, he should say or do something before something regrettable happened. However, his body refused to respond and he stood still and frozen as he watched Sirius' grey eyes fix on his mouth. Sirius was leaning forward and still Remus didn't move. He watched in a sort of panicked detachment as Sirius' face moved closer to his own, unable to pull away even though he knew that he should, that it was wrong of him to want this. The face before him was so achingly familiar that part of him wanted to take everything that Sirius had to offer and more, to hold onto him and never let him go, but the little subtle differences in the face and the expression made it all wrong and his mind screamed at him to get control of himself even as he felt Sirius' breath, warm and moist on his closed lips. Still his body rebelled and he remained frozen into place as he felt Sirius' lips brush his own. It was everything he had been needing and craving and as he felt his eyes slide shut, he realized that he no longer had control of his own body. Sirius' hand was cupping his face, his nose brushing his cheek as their heads tilted instinctively and Remus' tongue pushed its way into Sirius' mouth. Before he was even aware of what he was doing, his hands were in Sirius' hair and he was allowing Sirius to pull him closer by wrapping an arm around him, Sirius' cigarette apparently lying smoldering and forgotten somewhere. In those few moments nothing mattered to him, all that he knew and cared about was how wonderful it felt to be doing this once more, how much he had missed this, missed Sirius, how Sirius was kissing him the exact same way he had when they'd first kissed back in their school days, slow and hesitant and exploring. But this _was_ Sirius' first time kissing him and it was this thought, brought on by the hesitant, unpracticed way that Sirius' tongue was responding that reminded him that this wasn't the same Sirius.

Remus' eyes flew open in alarm as he pulled back abruptly, gasping in shock, "_What are we doing?_"

Sirius' surprised expression at Remus' sudden withdrawal quickly turned to annoyance and he replied shortly, "I would have thought that was obvious."

Remus quickly stepped back, his hands hastily retreating from the warm silk of Sirius' hair and Sirius' arm reluctantly slipping away from his waist.

"I'm sorry," he said numbly, trying to ignore how much he wanted to step back into Sirius' arms, "I can't – _we_ can't – do this".

"What do you mean?" Sirius snapped, obviously irritated at having his pleasant time interrupted, "You still feel the same way about me and I feel the same about you. I don't see the issue".

Remus shook his head, stepping further back from Sirius as if this would help distance his emotions too.

"It's _not_ the same. By comparison, you've just met me and what I feel for you is something that I've felt for decades. Doing this, I'm taking advantage of what you think you should feel for me because of what we had in the past. I'm not going to do that to you Sirius."

"You're not doing anything to me," Sirius cried in frustration, "You said yourself that memories weren't what made a friendship, so if we're friends now why can't we be more?"

Remus shook his head again, looking everywhere but Sirius. "I'm sorry, I can't do this".

Sirius watched in disbelieving, angry silence as Remus skirted around him and headed for his bedroom.

"Goodnight, Sirius", he said quietly and pleasantly as he passed, his tone not giving away anything to what he was truly feeling and reminding Sirius of how Remus' extraordinary talent of hiding his emotions made him want to break things.

He listened in stunned silence as he heard the door to Remus' bedroom click shut with such bitter finality that he crushed the cigarette packet he still held in his hand and hurled it out of the open window, into the silent darkness that was steadily chasing the sunset from the sky.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

_I know this chapter was too fricken long but I couldn't seem to find a place to break it and I thought you guys all deserved a nice big chunk of the fic (even if it's a little anticlimactic) for being so goddarn patient. You're amazing! :D_

_Comments are loved! I have a feeling that this chapter is a little disjointed, probably because I wrote it in bursts with a lot of time between them, but hopefully my writing will flow a little easier with my mid-year break._


	13. Temptation

I hope you like this chapter and don't forget that I really appreciate any and all comments, even if they're super critical! Let me know how I'm doing. This chapter was heaps of fun to write.

OOOOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 13: Temptation**

"Do you really think... that it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations that it requires strength, strength and courage, to yield to. To stake all one's life on a single moment, to risk everything on one throw, whether the stake be power or pleasure, I care not - there is no weakness in that."

- Oscar Wilde

OOOOOOOOOOO

The Black family was not known for their peaceable accepting natures and Sirius had to admit that in this respect he was every bit a Black as his hag of a mother. It was widely accepted that he was stubborn and often went against authority simply to prove a point; it was just part of his personality. He lay in his bed that night, looking up at the ceiling broodingly, his mind turning everything over even as his tired, itchy eyes focused on the icy blue moonlight shining through the open window to cast shadows on the ceiling. Remus' refusal to take his feelings seriously had in no way deterred him, in fact, he was more determined than ever to show him that what he felt was sincere and that he wanted to be with him. He wondered how he had never seen it coming though; of course Remus, being the considerate, noble and surprisingly insecure gentleman that he was would never have a relationship with someone he felt that he had even indirectly pressured into feeling something they didn't really feel.

Cautiously and warily, Sirius gently prodded into his feelings and deeper thoughts, not quite as comfortable in this territory as Remus probably was but determined to understand. What he felt for Remus, he was sure was not a false feeling influenced by what he thought he should feel. He realised now that he had found the reserved, mysterious ex-professor interesting and appealing ever since talking to him in the Hospital Wing. He'd admired the man's endless patience, humour, intelligence and, more subconsciously, his looks before he'd even learned that they'd once been in a relationship. When talking to him, deep down in his subconscious he'd felt comfortable, calm, content; like coming home after a long absence. It was Remus himself that he'd... fallen in love with and there was nothing obligatory about that.

Even in the semi-darkness of his room he felt his face heat up and knew he'd gone red at that last thought. This whole feelings stuff was more Remus' territory – he would have been more comfortable thinking about love and all that, being the closet romantic that Sirius suspected he was. But there was no hiding from it anymore; now that he had consciously acknowledged it, it seemed so glaringly obvious that it made him want to shake sense into Remus until he saw that this was real. Here he had found one person who seemed to understand him and accept him, someone whose humour, intelligence and looks made him look forward to seeing him, talking to him, perhaps spending the rest of his life with him. Maybe the circumstances they found themselves in had encouraged him to realise his feelings much quicker than it had taken what he thought of as 'the other Sirius', back in his school days, but it had never been _circumstances_ that had provided him with those feelings in the first place.

Sighing, he rolled over onto his side, his eyes falling to the waxing moon hanging in the corner of the open window and his mind began to tick a little faster. The wolf that Remus became once a month had accepted him back as his mate and pack member; he didn't have to see the way that Remus failed to meet his eye and always changed the subject whenever Moony's actions around Padfoot were brought up, to know that the wolf's possessiveness and uncharacteristic care meant that the wolf still considered Padfoot to be his mate. Perhaps if he couldn't appeal to the reasonable, intellectual side of Remus, he could appeal to the wolf side of him that was ever present but undoubtedly stronger around the full moon. The full moon was less than a week away and during that time Remus would be less able to deny the wolf and refuse Sirius. If he could just get the man to drop his defenses and agree to try having a relationship with him, then he was sure he could convince him that what he felt was real.

Sirius grinned sleepily at the moon, wondering just what it would be like to see Remus the man let the wolf side have a little fun, how it would feel to have Remus lose control, feel the strength that Remus always subdued and see those brilliant amber eyes flashing when he looked at him. He fell asleep with images of those eyes swimming around in his mind and that night he slept peacefully in anticipation of his plan.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Remus woke up the next morning wondering why he felt like hell.

His eyes slowly cracked open and the sunlight speared right into his eyes, searing the optic nerves and burning his brain. It felt like that anyway. Judging by the intensity of the sunlight and how high the sun was in his window, he guessed that he'd slept quite late. Even so, he knew he hadn't got more than four hours of sleep as tired as he was so close to the full moon. He'd tossed and turned all that night, unable to stop thinking about that kiss and everything that it entailed. All this time he'd been convincing himself that he was content to simply have Sirius back in his life, to have his friendship but Sirius' actions last night had awoken all his buried feelings, ripped them out so violently from where he'd hidden them that it had literally taken his breath away. He wanted so intensely for Sirius' feelings to be true, he wanted to believe that they were all his own but he couldn't live with himself thinking that maybe Sirius was only being with him out of obligation and pity. He could only hope that Sirius would come to his senses and realise that what he felt wasn't the same as what the old Sirius had, that it could never be and he, Remus, wouldn't have to endure the contemplations of what could have been.

Reluctantly he sat up, rubbing his tired eyes and trying to ignore the throbbing headache that usually accompanied mornings close to the full moon. He knew it would fade soon and he grudgingly got up, in equal amounts of desperation for the loo and some tea. Deciding to forgo the shower until he'd had his tea and read the paper, he walked out of his en suite bathroom, stretching and sniffing interestedly at the smooth, rich smell of hot coffee. However, the sight that greeted him in the kitchen made him freeze mid-stretch.

Sirius was already in the kitchen, leaning back casually against the bench, a coffee mug in his hand and as naked as the day he was born.

Remus almost immediately unfroze as he registered the scene before him, turning away quickly but not before his eyes had time to automatically take in the sight before him. Of course, this Sirius had apparently never been to Azkaban and his body showed it with the smooth firm muscles reminiscent of that of his youth and the general healthy substance and tone that his body had. Uncontrollably, before Remus could stop them and before he'd turned away, his eyes had dropped lower, observing in a sort of dazed state that yes, that part of Sirius had never changed and that he was indeed as he'd always remembered him down there: well built, gloriously masculine and a temptingly pinker hue than the rest of his body.

His face now averted, Remus wondered vaguely if his own face was now the same colour as he felt his cheeks heat up and he lost his usual composure for a moment.

"For Merlin's sake, Sirius! Put some clothes on!"

Remus felt his face darken even further, if that was possible, when he heard the grin in Sirius' reply, "Aww, Moony, you're in your pyjamas, aren't you? So I'm in mine! I sleep starkers, by the way. But you already knew that didn't you, Moony, old pal?"

Out of instinct, Remus turned back to give Sirius a glare but instead he copped an eyeful again as Sirius had provocatively crossed his ankles, his knee bent and at an angle and he gave Remus a suggestive wink when he saw him looking.

Remus was unaccustomed to being so flustered and as he jerked his gaze away again he wondered if his face had ever been as red as it felt now. He desperately tried to school his own body back under control as his face wasn't the only part of his body that he felt blood rushing to. It had been a long while since he'd had sex and he always had a little less control of himself around the full moon so his body had reacted to Sirius this morning like a hormonal adolescent boy at his first sight of breasts. He hurriedly took a seat at the table, glad that his bedclothes were so worn and baggy, and kept his eyes strictly averted, no matter how many excuses his mind seemed to find to look in the direction of his friend.

"I heard you getting up so I made you some tea. Black with two sugar, right?"

Remus nearly knocked the cup out of Sirius' hand as he realised Sirius had approached silently and was now standing next to him, holding out a chipped mug in offering. In his surprise he made the mistake of looking at Sirius again and saw that with Sirius standing right next to him like that he was perfectly level with what Sirius had once jokingly called 'Padfoot Junior'. He was less than an arm's length away and his heart raced in forbidden excitement, his blood pounding forcefully through his body and not really helping with getting himself under control.

His gaze hastily averted once again, Remus quickly took the cup of tea, muttering so his voice wouldn't betray his discomfort, "Err, thank you. I really would appreciate it if you'd put some clothes on."

"I'll put some pants on after breakfast," Sirius replied airily and patted the rather uncomfortable Remus on the shoulder before walking back behind the the kitchen counter, Remus keeping his eyes firmly on the cup of tea before him even as his mind desperately longed to look up and watch Sirius walking away from him.

"Toast?", Sirius asked politely from his spot behind the counter, apparently deciding to reduce the torture as he was now visible only from the hips up. Relieved but still distinctly uncomfortable, Remus politely declined, nursing the hot cup of tea that Sirius had made just the way he liked it. The kitchen was silent for a few minutes as Sirius began making toast and Remus sipped his tea, silently considering Sirius' motives for his actions and considering his options for escape. However he'd thought Sirius might respond to Remus' rejection of him the night before, he'd never even considered this. He should have seen it coming though, he mused darkly; Sirius had always reveled in the unexpected and never missed a chance to shock and surprise while also flaunting his good looks and charm – Remus should have known that this time would be no exception. So apparently Sirius had decided not only to deny Remus' wish for him to accept that they were just friends, but to also try to break Remus' own resolve. It was unfortunate that Sirius Black happened to be one of his few weak spots when it came to self-control and determination and he wondered how on earth he was going to control himself until Sirius came to his senses. Explaining to Sirius would do no good as Sirius knew his reasons for not renewing a relationship and was simply being stubborn about it. He concluded that his only viable option was to simply avoid Sirius until he got over this brief spout of delusional feelings. Just as he was deciding that now would be safe to declare that he was going for a shower without sounding like he was too desperate to escape, Sirius spoke, his voice deeper and more serious as if he'd been thinking deeply in the silence.

"I thought about what you said last night".

Remus looked up from his tea, his eyes managing to focus solely on Sirius' face which was facing downwards, apparently focusing on making another coffee.

"I know where you're coming from – I really do. I mean, you wouldn't be Remus if you hadn't reacted that way. But just because I get it, doesn't mean I agree with it and we both know that we both want this and that I'm not going to stop until you admit that."

Remus had listened in silence but now he stood, staring until Sirius looked up and met his eye.

"I know that you think this is what you want but I also know that if I agreed... if I agree to a relationship with you, a month, maybe two months down the line you're going to regret it. I'm not going to jeopardize everything that we've gained back as friends for me to delude myself into thinking that we feel the same way about each other. Don't ask me to do that, Sirius."

Sirius' mouth twisted in frustration and his eyes hardened as he glared right back at Remus. "I'm not asking you to do that. I'm telling you that I'm not going to wait ten years for you to realise that I know what I want, that I want this just as much as you do."

Remus held his gaze and Sirius, with a flutter in his stomach, registered the frustration and anger so close to the surface, provoked easily with the closeness of the full moon. _Maybe he was getting through to him. Maybe..._ But then Remus turned away, muttering something about a shower and leaving his half-full cup of tea on the table as he headed towards the bathroom. Frustrated but in no way discouraged, Sirius then registered the smell of burning toast and hastened to save his breakfast even as his resolve hardened to win this battle.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

That week was difficult for Remus.

Sirius was true to his word about being unrelenting and as the full moon approached, Remus had taken to staying out of the flat longer than necessary and retreating to his bedroom more often. Unfortunately, this neither deterred nor hindered Sirius' advances. Nudity had become Sirius' most valuable weapon of persuasion and he used it often. Rather than growing comfortable and unresponsive to the now common sight of a naked Sirius, it intensified Remus' longing, teasing him with what he couldn't have, what he could see out of the corner of his eye and not touch. It didn't help that Sirius almost forced him to touch him sometimes, brushing against him when he was making some tea or sitting far too close on the couch.

Sirius also didn't draw the line at simply flaunting himself. Two days before the full moon Remus was in the shower and had just opened his eyes after washing his hair to find Sirius leaning casually against the shower door frame, watching him with bright eyes and a seductive grin. Jumping and letting out a curse, Remus was suddenly incredibly thankful that he had chosen to have a quick cold shower first to get rid of his increasingly frequent and persistent arousal instead of wanking in the shower. Of course, he'd glared at Sirius, hastily covering himself up and trying to ignore the way Sirius' gaze slid up and down his body appreciatively even as he yelled at him to get out. And as insufferably unabashed as always, Sirius simply smirked at him and suggested on his way out that maybe if he stopped using so much vanilla soap then he wouldn't smell so sweet like a girl.

_Remus was going insane_. The thought of Sirius, just there and willing and wonderfully responsive was constantly in the back of his mind and in moments of weakness he unwittingly wondered if this Sirius would be the same in bed as the other. Before he could stop himself he concluded that he'd be as inexperienced as they both had been their first time together. Remus came to his senses enough to stop the thought there and focused instead on resisting the ever present temptation of Sirius Black who seemed to be enjoying this little game immensely, even if he did appear to get frustrated sometimes.

The morning before the full moon, Sirius tested Remus' self-control once again as Remus awoke to find a naked Sirius Black slumbering peacefully next to him in his bed. Full moon mornings were always one of the worst times because while his body was hopelessly tired and achy and his head pounded painfully, his body also tormented him with a persistent erection that he was never in the mood to do anything about. He supposed that rather than it being induced by pleasurable feelings or thoughts, it was brought about by his heart pounding way too hard and fast in his chest, another side effect of the approaching full moon, pumping extra blood to where it was not particularly wanted that day. After they'd become intimate, Sirius used to take care of this problem with the silent understanding that Remus didn't want the release but needed it, hardly having the energy to dress or eat, never mind have the energy or the required pleasant thoughts to rub one off. It was so tempting then, lying next to Sirius who had obviously crept in during the night to lie next to him, to simply move closer, gently wake him up and make good on his offer to pursue an intimate relationship with him right then and there.

The temptation was so intense that it made Remus want to cry. It was like having a terrible itch that had been raging for hours, that was becoming painful but you didn't have the energy to scratch it. Barely, just barely, he resisted and he shakily sat up, his head pounding, needing to throw up but his muscles were so sore and shaky that he had trouble standing up. At his second attempt at standing, he flopped down on the bed ungracefully, the movement waking Sirius who quickly realised that something was wrong and came around to Remus' side of the bed to help him. Remus hunched over, trying to make his arousal less noticeable, his cheeks tinging in all different levels of shame as he realised Sirius had noticed anyway. Sirius froze for a second before offering gently, "Remus, I can help you with that, just..."

"No," Remus ground out firmly, so obviously adamant that even Sirius didn't pursue the subject and simply, wordlessly reached to help him stand. Cheeks still stained red with shame, Remus reluctantly allowed Sirius to support him all the way to the bathroom, Sirius' arm around his waist and Remus' arm over his shoulder, Sirius doing most of the walking as Remus' limbs wouldn't hold him up. Remus wasn't sure which was worse – the way he usually dragged himself along the floor to the loo when he was on his own on mornings such as this, or now when Sirius helped him by half carrying him to the bathroom. Remus gave his hasty thanks as he gripped the sink tightly to support himself and Sirius carefully let him go. He wasn't expecting the quick brush of lips against his cheek and the mutter in his ear of "I wish you would just let me help you", and he realised as Sirius left the bathroom that it had almost brought an unbidden tear to his eye. Most of all he didn't want Sirius to be in a relationship with him to help him – it wasn't help he wanted, but love.

OOOOOOOOOOO

_I know this chapter was a little uneventful but I originally planned to combine this chapter and the next. However, that would have made for a more than 7000 word chapter! Anyway, I hope you guys like __this and I swear that the next chapter should be up soon._

Comments are cherished! Really, I love hearing from you guys no matter what you have to say. :) Thanks for reading!


	14. The Moonlight Beneath Our Skin

Orighty, time to stamp a nice big M rating into this fic. If you're in any way prudish, this chapter isn't for you. Also, I apologize for the enormous chapter but I didn't really want to break these two parts up. Again, thanks for sticking with me, everybody! :) I love reading your comments – you make my day and make me type away furiously!

OOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 14: The Moonlight Beneath Our Skin**

"_As if you were on fire from within._

_The moon lives in the lining of your skin."_

Pablo Neruda

OOOOOOOOO

When Remus woke the morning after the full moon he knew it had been a rough night. His muscles ached with the sharper intensity that indicated that the wolf had been restless and in a worse temper than usual, raging inside of him ferociously despite the Wolfsbane potion. Wincing, he chalked it up to the sexual tension of the past week without the relaxant of release. Groaning slightly, his eyes cracked open for him to see that he was in his bed with the covers tucked neatly around him and the weakening sun seemed to indicate that it was late afternoon. It was then that he realised that the bed seemed to dip slightly to the right and he turned his head to see with surprise that Sirius was sleeping next to him.

Remus smiled at the sight.

Sirius was lying on top of the blankets, clothes on for once, facing Remus with his body twisted to the side. His face was smooth and peaceful in his sleep and Remus took the chance to drink in the sight greedily, admiring the high cheekbones, full pink lips that made Remus' heart pang at how soft and warm they looked, and, still smiling, Remus' eyes were lastly drawn to the little freckle just below Sirius' bottom lip. It was hardly noticeable but Remus' close acquaintance with the man had allowed him to document the adorable adornment away in his mind, along with another freckle that Remus had seen, studied, kissed and absolutely _loved_, further down his body and rather close to an intimate area that Remus now refused to allow himself to dwell on. His gaze shifted to see that Sirius' hands were curled limply around a book, his thumb stuck between the pages where he'd obviously been up to when he'd fallen asleep. Already recognising the frayed, worn cover, Remus' gaze softened and he raised an aching arm to run his fingers reverently along the cracked spine of Tolkien's The Hobbit.

In fifth year when he and Lily had become close friends and she had learned of his love for literature and that his interests closely resembled her own, she had given him this copy of one of her favourite books. He'd instantly fallen in love with the charming lifestyles of the Hobbits and had found it terribly easy to lose himself in this new magical world, so wonderful in its detail, beauty and adventure. He'd read it many more times since and as a result, the book was practically falling apart but Remus had never wanted to get another copy. When reading this particular book, he could almost feel Lily beside him as he read, her hands holding the book as his did, as she once had before she'd given it to him, her laughter joining his and her hand clutching at the book in suspense when he did. Now he supposed that Sirius had seen the book, the one that looked most loved out of his impressive collection, and had wanted to read Remus' favourite book. Smiling uncontrollably at that endearing thought and trying to ignore the burning, warm feeling in his stomach that threatened to consume him, Remus gently pried the book out of Sirius' unresisting hands and quickly yanked a loose thread off of his old, worn blanket to use as a makeshift bookmark. Sitting up slightly and biting his lip at the sparks of pain in his muscles, he placed the book on the bedside table and turned back to Sirius when he felt movement beside him. Sirius stirred, stretching, nuzzling his face into the pillow sleepily before he opened his eyes and treated Remus to a warm, sleepy smile.

"Been up long?", Sirius asked groggily, his voice slurred with fading sleep.

Remus shook his head and sat up a bit more, trying not to wince as he did.

"Feel like shit, huh?" Sirius asked but it seemed like more of a statement as he sat up and swung his feet off the other side of the bed without waiting for an answer, "Hold on, I'll get some potions for you".

Remus watched gratefully as Sirius walked around the side of the bed, picking up a satchel as he went that clinked with what sounded like many vials and bottles in it. Sirius dug around in it for a bit before unstopping a sort of lilac coloured potion and handing it to Remus before turning to the bag again. Remus was handed three more vials of equally disgusting but different potions but after the last one he started to feel better, the aches becoming duller and his muscles loosening up considerably. Sirius took the empty vials from him, walking out of the bedroom and calling back, "I made some soup, I'll bring you some".

An amusing yet endearing vision of Sirius getting frustrated while trying to chop up vegetables made Remus grin as Sirius walked back into the room with a steaming bowl.

"Don't give me that face – this is the best damn soup you've ever had the honour of eating", Sirius said in a mock-haughty tone when he saw the grin on Remus' face.

Remus chuckled, taking the hot bowl from Sirius' hands gratefully. "I thought you couldn't even make toast. The only things I can recall you cooking are burnt offerings for breakfast".

"Ah, but I followed a recipe this time... sort of. I gave it a Sirius-esque flair anyway which, of course, made it delicious. Best damn soup you ever had, Lupin".

Remus snorted and carefully blew cool air on a spoonful of the murky brown soup that certainly smelled delicious. It did taste delicious too, Remus discovered happily, relishing the well blended flavours of beef, tomato, beans and a spice that Remus thought might have been Basil. As Remus ate, Sirius wandered around the bedroom, talking lightly all the while as he busied himself with setting out more potions for Remus to take later and tossing his own mess of clothes together (how and why they had ended up in Remus' room, Remus didn't know) in one pile in the corner which had always been Sirius' idea of cleaning up.

"Blimey, you would not believe how grumpy you were last night. Bloody sulking, you were! I can't imagine why, I've been nothing but kind and giving to you as usual. By your face last night you'd think that having someone as wonderful as me waking up starkers in bed with you was some horrible offensive act that deserved the silent treatment. I never thought Padfoot would get snubbed by a werewolf; loving, gentle beast that Padfoot is – I was up all night trying to get you to have an innocent wrestle but you'd think that I'd asked you dye your hair red, put on a skirt and skip around in front of James," at this point Remus almost choked on his soup as laughter bubbled up uncontrollably but Sirius kept up his ridiculous prattle, not even pausing as he reached over to pat Remus on the back, "By the way, I was looking through your inhumanely enormous book collection and I brought you a couple to read while you're in bed, insufferable bookworm that you are. I hope I picked the right ones, I tried to get the ones that looked most used anyway. Honestly, I expected you to have a secret soft spot for romance novels or something because you can be _such_ a girl sometimes, but I suppose books on poetry are bad enough. And I know you get too tired to read right after the full but I thought I could read them to you; mind you I won't be half as good as you probably are at reading poetry."

Remus listened silently to Sirius' chatter as he began digging around in Remus' wardrobe without so much as a 'By your leave', apparently looking for comfortable clothes for Remus to wear once he decided to get up. When Sirius offered to read to him, his face softened and he got an almost irresistible urge to grab Sirius' wrist as he was passing by and just hold him as close as he possibly could, breathe in the comforting smell of the man that had always seemed like home to him. Instead, he watched, entranced as Sirius took away his empty soup bowl and crawled back onto the bed next to Remus, levitating a large stack of books behind him with his wand.

Grinning, he indicated to the stack, "I know you'd never refuse a chance to read something, so which one do you want me to read first?"

Remus stared at Sirius, lost for words. This was the Sirius he had always known; the gentle, warm, tender Sirius that was reserved solely for him, Sirius even treating James who he had loved like a brother with a slightly rougher manner at his best moments. This was the Sirius that would sit with him and tend to him after full moons without ever seeming to want to be doing anything else. This was the Sirius that when no one was around, buried his face in Remus' hair and just held him while he read for long lengths of time that seemed never long enough. This was the Sirius that hid his face in Remus' neck after Remus had returned days late after a dangerous mission, saying nothing but holding onto him with frightening desperation and Remus only held him back just as intensely and never said anything about the dampness of his neck and shoulder when Sirius pulled away. This was the Sirius who loved him with an overpowering intensity, the Sirius that had settled into that feeling and showed it in all the little things that he did, intentionally or not – like offering to read to him after a full moon because he knew Remus was too tired to read himself but longed for a good book to take his mind of the pain.

Remus realised he had been staring at Sirius for far too long and he hastily looked away from the inquiring look Sirius was giving him. Trying to grapple with his recent startling realization, Remus blindly reached for the book on the bedside table.

"Read this?"

Sirius allowed the stack of books to fall to the floor slowly, carefully taking The Hobbit from Remus' hands.

"Ah, not a bad story this one," Sirius smiled, leaning back against the headboard, "I thought it sounded ridiculous but I like it. I should have known – you have good taste, Moony, but I knew that before, I mean you were in love with me once, weren't you?"

Sirius was grinning at him humorously but Remus, in light of his recent epiphany, answered without thinking, "I still am."

Sirius' face was almost comical as his mouth gaped and his eyes widened in surprise. "Remus, what-"

"Read to me, Sirius", Remus requested softly, leaning back to rest his head against Sirius' chest. Sirius remained frozen for a few moments in shock at having Remus initiate close contact before he slowly brought up the old, tattered book, wrapping his arm around Remus to hold the book steady and open it at the thread bookmark. He only took a moment to find where he'd left off and he began to read. Remus listened in rapture to Sirius' deep soothing voice as his favourite story fell from his lips, the mystery and wonder of Middle Earth only intensified by the smooth tone that vibrated through Sirius' chest and against Remus' head. Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius' waist and pressed tighter to him, smiling at how Sirius' voice faltered for a moment before finding the story again.

Remus had learned long ago that the way Sirius Black declared honest and heartfelt love was not with dozens of roses and grand poems laced with romantic imagery – not that Remus had ever wanted that from him. It was the little things that Sirius had done that had first alerted him to the possibility of Sirius having feelings for him and it was these same things that had reminded Remus everyday that Sirius still loved him, although they didn't say those particular words as much as most other couples. With little acts and words, Sirius strove to make Remus happy. To Remus, this had been the sign that someone was truly in love – they would do anything to make the other happy. Remus had seen it in James, then later in Lily and in moments of self-analysis he admitted that he himself did these things for Sirius. These little things that Sirius used to do had returned without Remus even noticing them, Sirius subconsciously declaring true love in the same way he always had. It was this, more than anything, that convinced Remus that Sirius' love for him was for real. He doubted someone could subconsciously fake this subtle act of love and as Sirius read to him, his voice soft and smooth and deep, Remus smiled brightly in joy. Sirius' reading had given him time to think and gather his feelings and now, knowing that he didn't feel the need to refuse Sirius anymore, he felt exhilarated at the prospect of being with Sirius, allowing himself to admit his love to him after all this time holding himself back.

He tightened his arm around Sirius, pressing his face closer to Sirius' warm chest.

"Sirius?"

Sirius stopped reading, looking down at him expectedly, confusion and hope written all over his face.

"I meant what I said – I do still love you."

Sirius' face brightened and he smiled slightly. "There better not be a damn 'but' coming after that".

Remus shook his head, "No, no buts", still smiling uncontrollably and he gently pushed the book down and out of Sirius' hands. He sat up, hardly aware of his protesting muscles, before leaning into Sirius and pressing his lips against those that were even softer and warmer than they looked. Sirius only took a moment to respond, his lips moving silkily against Remus' and his hands slid up, one resting on Remus' shoulder and the other cupping his face.

When he pulled away, Sirius was looking up at him with bright eyes and a hopeful smile on his lips. "Does that mean what I think it means?"

"If you think it means that I feel the same way as you and I want to try and make this work... then yes, that's what that meant."

Before Remus knew it, Sirius' lips were crushed against his own and he felt a spark of guilt at the raw desperation with which Sirius was kissing him. He realised how frustrating it must have been for Sirius to be living with him and feeling this way, knowing that they felt the same and yet unable to act on it. He returned the kiss with just as much force, showing Sirius that yes, they felt the same and yes, he was his now. Mouths opened, tongues twisted and hands fisted in hair and clothing and even though Sirius didn't kiss him with the confident familiarity Remus was used to, everything was falling into place and his life was piecing itself back together. And when Sirius broke the kiss, grinning as madly as Remus was, Remus vaguely wondered if those who had ventured past the veil and come back before him had experienced this as well – this green shoot of hope after a long, terrible winter.

OOOOOOOOOO

It was dark when Sirius entered Remus' bedroom two days later.

Remus was lying awake, eyes staring wide and unblinking in silent contemplation at the ceiling, the silver of the incomplete moon burned into his vision. He heard the dark haired man before he saw him. He'd listened, silent and unmoving as the quiet steps made their way to his room, the deep breathing of a man attempting an appearance of calm while his breath longed to burst from him in unsteady, shaking gusts. Remus had known that this would happen.

The two days since the morning after the full moon had been filled with cautious but determined touches, alternating fierce and gentle kisses and on Sirius' part, glances filled with burning curiosity and a longing to act and fulfill his desires. Remus knew what this was leading up to but he didn't have the will power to slow it down. In fact, if he was honest with himself for one startling moment, he welcomed it wholeheartedly.

Sirius stole into his room quietly, crawling onto the bed and slipping beneath the covers. His now shuddering breath was warm and moist on Remus' cheek and Remus could feel the excitement and apprehension rolling from him in shivering waves, infecting him and making his heart speed up excitedly.

"You're not sleeping." The observation was whispered almost tentatively and Remus felt the penetrating gaze of beloved grey eyes burning into the side of his face. He turned to look at the man beside him.

Grey eyes, cast a shining silver by the cold moonlight, stared at him, their owner illuminated and ethereal even in his obvious apprehension. Remus knew he was under similar scrutiny and his heart thumped harder in his chest at the sight of the man he loved dearly fixing his gaze on his lips and Remus licked them without thinking. Intense eyes flickered back up to meet Remus' before they focused again on soft-looking, now slightly damp lips. Sirius leaned forward, the sheets rustling as his body pressed closer and mouths opened against each other eagerly. It was as if this was the _finite incantatem_ to the trance Sirius had put him under and his body reacted by twisting to face the other man fully, one hand clutching the soft hair at Sirius' nape while the other curled against his warm, bare chest. One of Sirius' hands rested on his hip while the other buried itself in the light honey hair, peppered with silver strands that shone under the moon. Remus broke the kiss, panting slightly as Sirius' hands moved to begin unbuttoning his night shirt.

"It's too soon, we should slow down."

Sirius apparently thought this suggestion too ridiculous to even acknowledge as he simply pulled off Remus' shirt and buried his face in the warm, scarred shoulder. Remus himself had only said it so perhaps he wouldn't seem too desperate and eager for this, but his hands betrayed him, moving to slide over Sirius' chest, brushing through the sparse, coarse hair and marveling at the smoothness of the skin beneath it. The pureblood was more muscular than the Sirius that had fell through the veil and yesterday, when Sirius had piled a plate with food and set it down in front of him expectantly, Remus had noted with a wry smile that he had gone back to being the thin, sickly one that he had been in their relationship before Sirius had gone to Azkaban. He was brought out of his thoughts by Sirius, who was tracking the white, knotted scars along his shoulder and chest with gentle fingers, followed by a hot, wet tongue. Remus arched up against the assault and shut his eyes tightly, grappling mentally for the self-control that now eluded him.

_Too soon_, it was too soon; they needed to stop and think about this and how it was only days ago that they had agreed to try and make this work. Surely they needed to ease into this – he, Remus, needed to get used to the idea of being with Sirius but not as he knew him and Sirius needed to get used to the idea of sleeping with a man, something that would be a first for _this_ Sirius. This was a thought that pained Remus; that the memories of their true first time with the clumsy, inexperience and awkward desire, memories so precious and fundamental to the relationship that had formed after them were completely lost to Sirius. Remus wouldn't have altered the imperfection of that first time for the world and he knew now that he was the only one who possessed them, that they would die with him as a lonely remembrance of what once was.

He shut his eyes tight against such thoughts, willing himself to accept this new start with Sirius, to make new memories. Blindly, desperately, his hands tore at the waistband of Sirius' night pants, pushing them down abruptly and he pulled the man against him. The touch of skin on skin and the warmth that pulsed in his stomach helped him forget to think and allowed him to simply experience everything as it happened.

Sirius was sliding lower down his body, his lips brushing down the scars on Remus' stomach and his fingers teased at the waistband of his pants. Remus wrenched open his eyes when he felt his pants being pulled down and groaned at the sight of the dark, mussed hair nuzzling between his now bare legs. He pushed his head back and arched against the pillows, thinking that he would never last if he watched what Sirius was about to do, especially after such a long time of abstinence. But Sirius' breath only came hot and hesitant on where Remus wanted it most, uncertain in a few tentative kisses and licks where Sirius had always taken Remus' breath away in his boldness, priding himself in his ability to take him in his mouth in one suck and completely shatter Remus' composure. Desperately trying not to think about the differences, Remus sat up, taking Sirius' face in his hands and pulling him up to kiss him deeply. As Sirius rose to deepen the kiss, Remus settled his hands on Sirius' shoulders and pushed to flip them over so Sirius was lying back on the bed, staring up at him with questioning grey eyes.

Remus didn't realize words were coming from his own mouth until he was brushing his lips against Sirius' chest and he felt them whispering in a heated litany against the warm flesh. "I want you. I want you. _I want you IwantyouIwantyouIwantyou_."

Sirius' hands were roughly gripping his hair, apparently content with their swap in positions and Remus pushed further down his body, his mouth closing over a hardened but incredibly soft nipple. Distantly, he could hear Sirius' harsh breathing and his groaning but he couldn't tear his mind away from the thought that this was Sirius' body beneath him, with all its wonderful familiarity. Even though there was the difference in muscle mass, this was the same body that Remus knew better than he knew his own. He knew the plains, dips and hollows so well that he could have traced them in his sleep and known the exact expression and noise that a caress of each would bring from his lover. He knew the places that Sirius loved to be gripped hard, places where he loved a gentle, soothing hand, spots that made Sirius tremble and cry out with desire and even certain spots that were ticklish and would make him shriek with laughter. With loving reverence he tracked every one of those places now, his heart filling to burst with each sigh, gasp, moan, whimper and surprised giggle that escaped Sirius, delighting at how in this way, his Sirius had truly come back to him, that these wonderful little parts of Sirius were not lost with the memories.

Moving further down Sirius' body and using memory more than the dim light of the moon, Remus found that wayward little freckle that he'd always loved, hiding at the curve of Sirius' starkly pale hip, lurking just beyond where the hair became coarse and wiry. He knew he was smiling like an idiot as he kissed, nipped and worshiped the little blemish that he thought of as more of an adornment, but he was too happy to care. He chuckled lightly as Sirius, _always impatient Sirius_, groaned and grumbled at him to, "Leave my bloody freckle alone and get on with it!"

Remus obliged, nuzzling his face into the warmth of the black thatch of hair between Sirius' hips. He didn't care how obscene it was – it had been too long without this and he inhaled the unique smell deeply, his whole body throbbing with the expectation that the scent brought. He leaned back just slightly to let the metallic sheen of moonlight illuminate the beauty before him before shifting into a more comfortable position to take Sirius into his mouth. The little cry that left Sirius' mouth and the hands that convulsively tightened in Remus' hair made him slide further along the length, moving his tongue rhythmically as he took as much in as he could before moving back down again.

All of his senses were filled with Sirius. The taste of Sirius was thick on his tongue, the not entirely unpleasant flavour that he'd become so familiar with over the years and the association of the taste made him harder within seconds. He could smell Sirius, the musky smell from where his nose was now buried, his sweat and the hint of aftershave that followed him wherever he went. He could clearly hear Sirius, his limbs rustling against the sheets as he writhed and arched up against him, his voice loud in the silence of the room as he groaned and called out Remus' name in a cracked, desperate voice. Remus could feel him, his burning cock moving in and out of his mouth, the bucking hips beneath his hands, the warmth of the legs on either side of him and he longed to feel Sirius where he ached for him most. He wanted Sirius around him, surrounding him; he wanted to be connected to him and feel him in that most intimate of ways that words attempted to glorify but was truly more glorious in action as two bodies came together, giving to the other and accepting from each other the parts of themselves too raw and passionate and animal to show the rest of the world. His eyes met Sirius', staring into the grey eyes that had the ability to burn his soul away with their ice but were now burning _for_ him, wanting him with the same intensity that he'd fought for him and loved him over the years.

Remus released Sirius from his mouth and scrambled over him to reach his wand on the bedside table, almost knocking it off as he tried to ignore the shaking in his hand. As he lowered himself back down between Sirius' legs, Sirius' mouth caught him and instinctively their tongues swirled together, lips trembling against each other as Sirius' hands cupped his face gently. With the lubrication spell cast, Remus' hand was pressing between Sirius' legs and his mouth was lowering back down to take him in his mouth, to ease the passage of Sirius' first time. Remus tried not to think about how the first time Sirius had done this to him, their lips had been pressed together to stifle his noises from their dorm mates in the absence of a silencing charm that they hadn't quite known they were going to need that night. He pushed aside the thought of Sirius pushing inside of him too roughly in eager inexperience and the breathless chuckles of awareness of how clumsy they were – instead he pressed a finger slowly and gently into Sirius while his mouth distracted him on his cock.

His heart clenched at how Sirius' breath hitched and how tight his body was with inexperience. Slowly, Remus moved, his mouth still sucking dutifully as his fingers moved, pressing into Sirius' body gently and opening him up. Before long, Sirius was pulling at Remus' hair, probably a little harsher than he'd meant to, and Remus' mouth slipped off him while he gently pulled his fingers out of him.

"Just do it, I want you to do it."

Remus looked at Sirius, his worried expression being quickly overtaken by desire. "I have to be careful, I don't want it to hurt you."

Sirius' hand was pulling him down on top of him and Sirius was wrapping his legs around Remus' hips demandingly as silver eyes looked fiercely into gold, almost in a challenge.

"I don't _care_ if it hurts," he hissed, silver eyes reflecting white moonlight, "Fuck, I just want this right now. _Do_ it."

Remus was glad it was so soon after the full moon because if the full moon had been approaching he was sure he would have taken Sirius at his word and been too rough with him. As it was, he breathed deeply to control himself, resting his forehead on Sirius' shoulder even as Sirius cursed at him to hurry up, to _do it_. Grasping for the wand he'd dropped somewhere between Sirius' legs, he cast another charm to slick himself up and pushed a pillow underneath Sirius' hips. No matter what Sirius said he was ready for, Remus wouldn't intentionally hurt him.

Sirius' breath was hot and moist on his lips as Remus leaned over him. From the look on Sirius' face, Remus knew that his own eyes had morphed into that disturbing, feral gold but Sirius had always said that he loved his eyes when they were this way and indeed, Sirius reached up to gently brush Remus' sweaty tendrils of hair away from his forehead and smiled as his thumb smoothed the skin just beneath his eye. Remus caught the hand and held it tightly as his other guided himself to Sirius' entrance. Sirius' hand gripped back just as tightly as he felt himself stretching, widening to accommodate Remus' not inconsiderable width and length. Hot breath burst from between Remus' lips in uneven gusts as he watched, entranced, as Sirius arched back against the bed, the animagus' breath catching and escaping in little grunts. Remus lifted Sirius' hand to his lips and kissed the fingers fervently as his other hand drifted up to slide up and down Sirius' cock. Sirius was trembling against him and Remus could feel himself shaking as he was overwhelmed by the feeling of becoming one with Sirius once again.

Sirius' legs were wrapping around his hips and he was demanding him to move, his breathing erratic and heavy but Remus knew he was breathing the same way. Fire was consuming him, starting at the point where Sirius was connected to him and spreading to the tips of his fingers, burning, wonderful and making him feel light-headed. Desperation was creeping along his spine and he began moving, trying to be slow and gentle at first but he was soon moving with frantic urgency. He wanted to make it last and make this first time gentle and tender for Sirius but he'd lost Sirius too many times for him to take it slowly now that they were reunited once again. He pushed into Sirius fervently, reaching a rhythm that once began, he knew he would never be able to stop. It was as if everything depended on him reaching this completion with Sirius, as if Sirius would fade away if he didn't make him feel what he himself was feeling.

Sirius bit his own lip harshly, arching up and grinding his hips in time with Remus' brutal pace, his discomfort long since gone and only molten fire had taken its place, consuming him until he was sure he would burst into flame and take Remus along with him. He was groaning something and he suspected his cries were forming words but he couldn't bring himself to care – all that mattered was that Remus never stopped moving above and within him. The incandescent light of the moon was shining down upon Remus' back and as their bodies rocked into each other, Sirius' fingers trailed up the slightly shiny, sweaty skin of Remus' shoulder, illuminated and white in the moonlight. The skin burned beneath his fingers as if set on fire by the moon itself, as if light and moon fire had crawled beneath Remus' skin and was now spreading to Sirius, sliding up his spine and making him arch right into Remus' body, craving more.

Little whimpers were escaping from Remus' throat with every thrust and the room was fading before him – all that he could see was Sirius and his gorgeous face contorted in ecstasy beneath him. His eyes desperately drank in the sight, so familiar and so precious to him that he wanted to remain this way forever and never stop so he would never have to lose Sirius again. But his body had other plans and he was speeding up even more, Sirius' fingers digging roughly into his shoulder and back, sure to make bruises.

Remus reached a shaking hand down between their bodies, slicking his hand over Sirius' heat. They trembled together, the molten fire beneath their skin racing up their spines, consuming their minds and making them both creatures of passion, grasping and gripping each other to hold themselves to earth as they were raised higher and higher. Sirius heard himself hoarsely calling Remus' name, all inhibitions gone as his voice rose along with his desire. But it was Remus calling his name more than anything, with that look of absolute rapture on his face, so pleasurable and wonderful that he looked almost agonized by the beauty of it. It was with Remus' breath on his cheek, Remus' eyes scorching fire into his own, Remus held tightly within his own body and with his name on his lips that Sirius reached his climax. Perfection teased just out of his reach as heat gripped his body and mind and he was sure, if only he'd moved a little faster, cried a little louder, he would surely have reached heaven.

Remus shook over the writhing figure, watching the familiar expression of ecstasy and found himself following, his body seizing up as a higher force moved his hips and pulled a sharp cry from his throat, his mind blank in tumultuous climax. Sirius was shaking around him and he realised that he was shaking too as he collapsed on top of the sweaty, prone form beneath him. They kissed, slowly, deeply, saying more than they ever could with words. Remus slipped out of Sirius, kissing his face apologetically as it momentarily flickered with discomfort before lying beside him. Their limbs entangled when they faced each other, side by side, breath and heart beats slowing together and their soft smiles brightened the room more than any amount of moonlight could. For many minutes they lay unmoving, simply sharing the moments that would forever belong to them and only them, until Remus leaned into Sirius. Their lips met, their slightly sweaty bodies pressed together once again and Remus slowly rolled to sit astride Sirius' hips. Amber and grey eyes didn't part while they moved once again into that other realm of the world where time stopped and heaven seemed almost within reach, but they approached it more slowly this time, skin sliding softly and warmly against each other as their bodies reawakened.

Remus welcomed his mate within him for the first time since he'd feared him dead, hovering above him and moving slowly before he felt as if he would crumble if he didn't move faster. He flipped and turned so Sirius' body was pressed up behind him while he leaned against the headboard and ground back into the warm muscle behind him, frantic for everything Sirius could give. The urgency in their movements was diminished but it still controlled their actions, making Sirius thrust fast and harsh before turning Remus again, pushing him down onto the bed to mimic the position that Remus had used to bring Sirius to the brink. It didn't take long until Remus was clutching at Sirius' back, leaving deep, red welts as he cried out in a broken, wavering voice into Sirius' mouth, the voice that only Sirius was ever allowed to hear. Sirius followed him moments later, completing their reunion when he found his climax in Remus' body as Remus had done within him, earlier that night.

Completely spent, they lay side by side once again.

Remus' eyes tracked the much loved face reverently, as if he were trying to commit the new, fresher features to memory. Sirius grinned back at him, entwining their fingers and searching the eyes, fading from amber to honey brown, for the contentedness that he himself felt. He found it and Remus smiled back at him, squeezing his hand in reassurance. Then something flickered deep in Remus' eyes, a sad sort of hope, and his eyes sought out Sirius' questioningly, a frightening hint of desperation hidden in the smooth honey brown. Sirius saw the search for recognition and his grin faded. Sirius had known that somewhere, perhaps deeply buried in Remus' subconscious, Remus had hoped that tonight Sirius' memory might come back, might be sparked by their complete reunion of the body as well as the heart and mind. Sirius' eyes automatically looked away from the intense brown and sought out the cool white of the moon, not wanting to see the disappointment in the eyes he'd fallen in love with.

"I don't remember anything."

The room was silent again for long awkward moments before Remus squeezed his hand once more, pulling the grey eyes back to his own.

"I know."

Remus smiled, willing the irritation on the dark-haired man's face to fade, trying to tell him without words that he felt stupid, that he was ungrateful and greedy for wanting anything more than Sirius had just given. For a moment he was afraid that Sirius was about to pull away but the moment passed and Sirius was shuffling closer, curling against Remus' chest.

"I don't need the memories anymore, Sirius. I've got you and that's always been more than enough."

Remus wrapped his arms around the warm body and relished in the unique scent of them both combined, of their passion – something he thought he'd never have the privilege of smelling again. Sirius' hair tickled his nose and his body ached pleasantly from the night's activities, just as it had been so many nights in his eventful life. And suddenly, Remus knew he had told no lie; this, what he had with Sirius right now, was a new cherished memory made and that would always be enough.

OOOOOOOOOO

_14 Chapters and our favourite boys are finally together! Sheesh, I sure love to drag things out! Let me know what you think of this chapter – I really really love reading your comments; it means the world to me to know that people read my work and sometimes even take the time to comment on it. Plus, the content of this chapter makes me kind of nervous; I tried to go for the less humourous, more serious and sensual kind of scene than I usually do. I hope it was alright and not too mushy! _

_It would really make my day to get some comments! ;) _


	15. To Win A War

_Again, thank you so much everyone for your continued support and comments! I hope you all like this chapter. If anyone is confused about the time setting, I'll just take a moment to clear things up. The last few chapters have taken place during the summer holidays and part of Harry's seventh year, during which in this fic, Harry is still doing the same thing as in DH. In this chapter, the first half has skipped a little bit more into the seventh year and the second half I'm guessing you all will recognise as long as I haven't screwed it up too much._

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 15: To Win A War**

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." 

- Lao-Tzu

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Remus tried to distract himself. The evening edition of the Daily Prophet was open on the kitchen bench before him and he refused to let his gaze wander from it, no matter that his eyes skimmed the blurred lines without reading and became unfocused as he lost himself in thought once again. It had been more than a day since Sirius had left.

After months of Sirius remaining in hiding Remus had finally caved and slowly informed the Order members of Sirius' return. They'd been astonished at the story and a few seemed to disapprove a little, but Sirius had been accepted back into the Order with open arms and strict orders not to inform Harry. Dumbledore had said when Sirius had first returned that Sirius' death would equip the boy better to fight what was coming and after a few fights and disagreements, Sirius had agreed once more to keep quiet about it. It pained Remus as much as it did Sirius to not give Harry that one small sliver of happiness of knowing that his godfather was alive, but he respected Dumbledore's opinion and kept true to his wishes. For now, Sirius was given Order duties and while he was obviously relieved to be doing something useful again, they both knew that he still had to be kept out of direct public sight until they believed the Ministry was ready to hear of his return without arresting them both on the spot. As Remus had known, breaking into the Department of Mysteries and interfering with the veil was highly illegal but he hoped that with the chaos of the wizarding world at the moment, the Ministry would have more important things to do than arrest him when he eventually informed them.

Remus froze. Cocked his head slightly. _No, nothing_. His shoulders slumped in disappointment.

He thought he'd heard Sirius at the front door but it was nothing, he was still on that mission. A couple of Order members were currently stationed around the Malfoy residence which was under surveillance as one of Voldemort's suspected hide-outs at the moment. There was not much to see and it wasn't a lot of use to be watching Malfoy Manor as the security spells were so numerous and powerful that they might have well been staring at a brick wall, but they agreed that it was better to have a couple of their people around the area in case anything happened. Sirius volunteered, (of course he did), as it would be highly unlikely for him to be spotted and therefore have his return made public, and so his shifts began. This particular shift had been a long one, longer than the others and as Remus was at home doing research for the Order for another week or so, it felt like a hell of a lot longer. He glanced at his watch. _Surely they wouldn't have him on watch for this long_.

He mentally berated himself for stressing about it so much and went back to the Prophet. He was acting more frazzled than Molly Weasley but he couldn't help but worry every time Sirius walked out that door. How many times would he be forced to have him ripped away and then have him thrown back, damaged and broken? And what if this time he didn't come back? What if this was Remus' last time to make things right and he'd ruined everything again?

Completely lost in thoughts that were beginning to descend into his darkest of fears, Remus jumped when the fireplace roared to life from the lounge room. Abandoning the paper that he hadn't read a word of, Remus hurried to the fire, relief flooding his body when he saw the man with dark hair and grey eyes dusting off his robes. More than anything, he wanted to walk right over there, draw the man into an embrace and bury his face in the hair that smelled of his fondest memories. But he knew the routine, he knew the dangers, so he remained still except for his hand gripping his wand tightly in his pocket.

"What was the book you read to me the morning after the full moon?"

He was treated to a slight smile even though the face looked weary and tired. "The Hobbit. What oath did I swear in the Hospital Wing after the veil?"

"To kill Peter."

In three strides Remus had his arms around Sirius' shoulders and his nose buried in his hair. Sirius' arms wrapped around him tightly and they remained that way for a few moments in complete silence.

"You were gone longer than usual."

Remus tried to voice it as lightly as possible because he knew Sirius only felt smothered and uncomfortable when people voiced their worries about him. Still, he held on tightly to the man as he heard the answer rumbling through the chest pressed against his own. 

"I took Kingsley's shift as well – he looked wrecked and it's not like I have anything more useful to do."

Remus heard the bitter edge to Sirius' voice but he didn't move away. As usual, Sirius wanted to be in the thick of it, he wanted to be at the heart of danger and fighting to his heart's content. Remus knew that this recklessness was a fundamental part of Sirius and if he was honest with himself, it was part of what he fell in love with, but that didn't stop him worrying that once again, Sirius' recklessness could take him away.

Reluctantly, he unwound his arms and stepped back while attempting a smile. He knew nothing he said would improve Sirius' opinion of his missions so he simply led him into the kitchen and set about making coffee. Sirius watched him silently for a moment before his eyes caught on the open Daily Prophet on the bench he leaned against.

"Any news on Harry?"

Remus shook his head. "But in this case, no news is good news. It means he probably hasn't been found by anyone, including Death Eaters."

Not for the first time, Sirius exclaimed bitterly, "I just wish we could help him, I wish we could do something for him!"

"I know, Sirius, I do too."

Harry had been the most common topic of discussion in the past couple of months and still they both waited for any news of Harry, whom they'd heard nothing of since the break in of Bellatrix Lestrange's account in Gringotts. Remus had had to sit down when he'd heard about that and Sirius was (for once in his life), lost for words for a few minutes. Through the awe and what Remus suspected was pride in Sirius' voice when he'd finally gotten it back, Remus heard the worry and care for the little boy Sirius remembered as a chubby faced one-year old, now breaking into Gringotts and riding dragons. Remus shuddered at the thought and for the millionth time, just wished he knew that Harry was safe.

He didn't realize he'd been going through the motions of making tea and coffee while lost in his thoughts, until a warm body pressed up behind him and arms stilled his mindless movements by wrapping around him in an embrace. He took only a moment to press back, his hands gripping the forearms dusted with black hair as the almost-ready beverages were abandoned for a moment.

"It's this bloody war," Sirius growled into the greying strands of hair, "Fifteen odd years and we're still fighting; I always thought that it would have some sort of end, some solution, that someone would win and, to tell you the truth, I really did think it would be us. But fifteen years down the road and look where we are. Still the same fear, the same worry, the same bloody useless missions and there's still good people dying – the only difference is now we're putting all our hopes on a seventeen year old boy, and we're just sitting around, praying to Merlin that he pulls through."

Remus gripped the arms around him tightly, almost desperately in his attempt to reassure Sirius. "But maybe this is our second chance. I never thought that you'd escape from Azkaban, that you'd be innocent and that we'd get past everything that happened to be together. After you fell, I never thought that I'd get you back, certainly not like this. Maybe this is our chance to do it right this time, maybe if we trust the right people and don't give up then we can end this war once and for all."

Sirius was silent and Remus granted him that silence, leaning back against the strong warmth in reassurance, backing up words that he wasn't sure he completely believed. Eventually Sirius spoke again, softer this time. "We will end this war, Moony, we'll end it and then you and me both are going to give Harry a home, a family, something he should have always had," Remus heard the rueful smile in the voice and couldn't help but return it a little sadly when Sirius said firmly, "We'll kick arse and win this war."

"Or we'll die trying."

Remus regretted his choice of words immediately as they had been purely automatic in response to a conversation that they'd had many times in their youth, and that had always been part of the conversation. This time, Sirius' arms tightened around him and the rules were changed. "That's no longer an option, Monsieur Moony. We're going to win this war and you, me and Harry are going to be there at the end."

Remus knew that the chance of them not surviving this were as high as ever, that just because Sirius Black declared something to be so, did not make it so, but that didn't stop him hoping. He turned in Sirius' arms and smiled into warm soft skin of Sirius' neck.

"We can win this, can't we, Monsieur Padfoot?"

It was said as more of a statement but Sirius answered it as if it had been a question anyway. "We will", then after a slight pause and much contemplation, he continued rather awkwardly, "I love you, you know."

Remus leaned back to look at him in surprise. This was the first time Sirius had said it since falling through the veil, although now Remus knew that he did feel it and showed it in his own way all the time. Suddenly, he felt their conversation hadn't been so ridiculous or unrealistic as he had before and even though he thought himself foolish for it, he felt resolve harden in his conscious to see Sirius' words through, to take his life into his own hands and for once look beyond the bleak darkness of this war.

And even though it wasn't strictly true and they both knew it, Remus smiled as he replied, "Well, that's all I need then."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The surveillance of Malfoy Manor proved to be useful after all.

By pure chance Sirius had just relieved Tonks of her shift when the detection charms they'd set up started going off frantically, indicating that the fireplaces of the Manor were being used by many people in quick succession. Sirius confirmed this with Brown, who was stationed on the other side who had also heard their detection charms being set off. They informed the Order immediately – something had summoned the Death Eaters and possibly Voldemort himself from the Malfoy Manor and the cold feeling in the pit of Sirius' stomach predicted that it certainly wasn't anything that boded well for their side. McGonagall, risking detection by the Death Eaters in the castle, informed the Order members by Patronus that Harry was there at the castle, after all that time on the run, and that Voldemort was coming to the castle too, with his followers in great numbers. They were all told of the passageway through the Hog's Head in Hogsmeade and without a second thought they apparated.

Their main objective was to get to the grounds, to prevent Voldemort from entering the castle for as long as they could, but they were held up inside the castle with the Death Eaters who were already in putting up a dirty great fight. They were lucky though, this small group of Death Eaters were outnumbered and when seeing the crowd of Order members rushing towards them, quite a few of the already small number ran off, no doubt to join with a larger group.

Running through the corridors that he'd once thought of as home, anger – surging hot anger burned at Sirius' insides at the sight of the castle dark and crumbling in the wake of the battles that were taking place behind the walls that had once been a safe haven. He could hear explosions, screams of terror, agony, others yelling orders and then finally they came to the Entrance Hall and, steeling themselves for the battle ahead, they launched themselves out of the doors as one intimidating entity.

Despite the dark of the night, the grounds were illuminated by a waxing moon and jets of light cast alarming bursts of bright colour on the scene below the stairs. Death Eaters, Order members and, what Sirius thought in a shocked daze, looked like mere students, fought one another while what looked like plants, poisonous and deadly it seemed, rained down from the Astronomy tower. Sirius immediately engaged battle with a large, barrel-chested Death Eater that came charging at him, bellowing wildly. His stunning spell was blocked and he alternately blocked and sent spells frantically until a jet of light, a body binding curse and one of his, hit the man directly in the chest and he immediately keeled over, stiff as a board. Just as Sirius let out a brief shout of triumph, a body fell against him and he was knocked into another battle with a masked Death Eater that was light-footed but luckily clumsy with his wand work.

Things became a blur. Curse after curse flew from Sirius' wand and he blocked enough to earn his reputation as one of the finer duelers that Hogwarts had produced, but he was on auto-pilot. The scene before him, the bodies on the ground, the skull masks illuminated by flashes of light all seemed like a dark mess of a nightmare. Through his desperation, he registered giants, _giants_ crashing through a part of the battling crowd, flinging both sides of the fighters into the air with their clubs, the sickening cracks of bones meeting with wood audible even over the din of battle. Then a smaller giant came rushing at one of the giants, hollering for all he was worth and the flying bodies came fewer for a few minutes as the giants fought each other.

Through all of this, Sirius' eyes searched, searched, searched. Some faces he knew but they were not the ones he was looking for. Frantically he looked. They should be here, both Harry and Remus should be here. Harry was here somewhere, McGonagall had said he had something he needed to do at the castle, and Remus would be here fighting somewhere too. He needed to protect them, he needed to see them and know they were okay; the little boy that had grown into a man overnight and the mild-mannered but sometimes fierce man that he'd fallen in love with.

Sirius tripped back over a lifeless body and the masked man he fought surged forward, fully intent on finishing him while he was down. Then, falling from the sky, a large round object crashed into the man's head and he immediately crumpled and fell to the ground. A crystal ball. Those crazy, ingenious fuckers were throwing crystal balls from the towers. A laugh escaped him but it sounded shrill and insane to his own ears so he quickly fell silent. He was about to get back to his feet when he saw him.

James was running across the grounds like a phantom in the disguise of flesh, hell bent on revenge and victory. But James was dead, _James was dead!_ With a pang of something that he hadn't felt in forever, not since looking down in Harry's crib for that last time, a lifetime ago, Sirius realised that it was his godson racing across the grass, away from this battle but undoubtedly into one of his own. Sirius only had another moment to think dazedly that the boy was as everyone said, the exact image of his father, when a robed figure stepped into his line of view and brought him back to where he was. Amazed that he'd survived this long while staring in an idiotic trance at his godson running across the grounds, he was about to surge back into battle when the figure in front of him screamed something in fury and brought Sirius' attention to who the man was fighting.

Remus Lupin was charging towards the man, Dolohov, Sirius thought his name was. Remus' wand sliced through the air quicker than the eye could follow, sending curse after curse at the bellowing Dolohov who seemed to be having trouble keeping up with him. Remus' eyes were flashing that beautiful gold and the sight of his face, pale but determined and furious, brought Sirius to his feet ready for battle again.

He ducked low, avoiding a stray curse, but as he rose again, turning to face a presence he felt behind him, a curse hit his wand arm. It felt like being hit by a train and even through his cry of pain he heard the sickening crack of his arm breaking. The force of the curse knocked him to the side and his wand tumbled out of his limp hand, lost in the darkness of the ground below. He turned in defiance to meet his attacker but the man was already falling, apparently caught by a stray spell from the surrounding battle. As he fell, Sirius watched in horror as another Death Eater joined Dolohov from behind Remus, disarming him from where he couldn't see. With a kind of slow motion horror, heart thudding in his throat, the noise of battle suddenly dimmed to a muffled hush, Sirius watched Remus' wand fly out of his hand and fall to the ground. Dolohov's grin was spreading slowly, a victorious grin, a cruel one, as he raised his wand directly at Remus' chest. Without even being aware of moving, the pain in his arm a simple dull thud in the background, Sirius was on his feet and with his own wand lost somewhere in the darkness, he rushed forward, physically defenceless but with cold, hard fear on his side. Vaguely, he saw Remus move forward, surprising Dolohov with his agility and knocking the man down before he could cast a curse, but Sirius also saw the man behind Remus raising his wand a little higher, right where the werewolf's heart was.

Nothing mattered. Not the pain in his arm, not the battle around him, not the screams, the yells, the giants and especially not this fucking war. Remus mattered and that's all Sirius knew as he surged forward with more strength than he knew he normally possessed, and ran into the Death Eater's side.

Remus turned just in time to see the deep blue jet of light leave the hooded figure's wand and watched in stunned horror when the curse caught Sirius in the chest as he pushed the man down.

OOOOOOOOOOO

_Argh, I'm sorry for the cliffhanger, please don't kill me! Next chapter will be up so so so soon because I don't want to leave anyone with that last bit in their head for long; I know I'd hate it. I believe the next chapter is the last or second last but I'll probably write an epilogue. _

_Also, if anyone's confused, the second half of this chapter is the final battle, you know, with the Snitch and Voldemort and Molly Weasley screaming at Lestrange that she's a bitch. If you haven't read it: 1 – you're crazy, I recommend you go read it right now. 2 – this chapter and the next contain major spoilers... which I guess I should have said something about at the start of this chapter. My bad. _

_I had to reread the last bit of the seventh book just to make sure I got things right in this chapter and it reduced me to a snivelling, pitifully sobbing mess, __**yet again**__. Afnz;ovgihifgheg;vxgfuckfuckfuck. D: THESE PAGES ARE FOREVER STAINED WITH MY TEARS FOR THOSE WHO SHOULD HAVE NEVER DIED. Anyway..._

_Don't forget to comment! I know some of you will want to yell at me for the end of this chapter so feel free to do so until the next chapter is out. :) _

_As always, I love you all and thank you so much for your support._


	16. Frost Fire

_Thanks so much for the comments. I typed as fast as I could! _Also, please don't stop reading halfway through this chapter! I'm not too evil, I swear.

_PS: Second section of this is in Remus' POV, just because._

OOOOOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 16: Frost Fire**

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." - Lance Armstrong

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Was this what people meant when they said their life flashed before their eyes? No, Sirius thought vaguely, this wasn't his life. But the little boy in the vision sure looked like him, barely eleven, dark haired, grey eyed and boarding the train to Hogwarts. And he was... introducing himself to a skinny, sickly looking boy with enormous brown eyes and patched, second-hand robes. The boy hesitantly reached out to shake Sirius' outstretched hand. _"I'm Remus Lupin."_

Images sped past and although they seemed to be moving too fast to see what they were, Sirius somehow knew what they were, in fact, he was getting the sense that he'd seen them before. It was his life, it was his life with Remus in it.

The black spaces were being filled in and suddenly Sirius felt so stupid for not knowing that this was Remus, Remus, who he'd been friends with since first year and had loved since what seemed like forever. _How could he have forgotten Remus?_ The images rushed past faster and faster, filling his head with everything he'd lost, all the memories that were most precious to him but he'd somehow forgot. And some that were not so precious to him came flying back too. The prank in fifth year which had haunted him ever since, the fighting with Remus after Peter began filling his mind with doubts, the suspicions, the withdrawal and the deaths of James and Lily. Azkaban passed in a mercifully quick but still nightmarish blur, then escape, his first sight of Harry since he was only a baby, his first sight of Remus in too long.

Everything raced back to him, right up to watching his hateful cousin's face contort in laughter as he fell back into darkness. Now everything of the past year or so was cast in a different light, everything that had happened between him and Remus... he barely had time to register it all before he became aware that he was lying on his back on cold grass, staring up at the stars while fire curdled in his chest and shards of glass replaced the bones in his arm. He heard a vicious snarling, an unearthly growl that was certainly not human and then Remus, _wonderful, patient, kind, loving Remus_, was crouching above him, those big golden eyes looking so worriedly into his face.

He wanted to tell the man everything but the fire in his chest hurt, oh Merlin, it really hurt and it was spreading along his arms, into his stomach, down his legs and up into his head. Still, he couldn't help but smile a big, goofy, ridiculous smile as he drew up his last reserves of strength to reach out and grasp Remus' strong, warm hand.

"Moony, Moony, I remember everything, I remember you. My Moony, I remember."

His own voice was too quiet to his own ears and the stars above Remus' greying hair were blurring, disappearing in the spreading black of the night sky. The black sky was creeping down, engulfing everything but still Sirius smiled, even as Remus was shouting something at him and little droplets, turned silver and shining in the fading moonlight, were falling from fierce golden eyes, flecked with softer amber and sweet, light honey. He'd cherished those eyes when they'd been locked with his own not so many nights ago when they'd come together once again, and also almost two decades prior, when he'd first seen passion fill those eyes, melting them into a startling molten gold.

Sirius kept smiling at the thought but he was tired, so tired, like he'd never been before and ice was crawling beneath his skin. The last thing he saw before he shut his eyes was the other-worldly beauty of those eyes that he'd been lucky enough to fall in love with more than once.

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Remus watched with a kind of detached horror as Sirius fell to the ground beside the Death Eater, a faintly glowing blue hole at the front of his robes. Time seemed to rush by so slowly but when he saw the masked man sit up and point his wand back at Sirius who almost appeared to be asleep, silent and unmoving, Remus sprang forward.

Vaguely, in the back of his mind, he knew that the wolf was taking over, something that he'd fought against and feared more than anything every single day of his life since that first wretched full moon, but right now as he leaped at the man who had hurt Sirius, he accepted the animal tearing its way out of his mind. The wolf inside him howled with rage and as Remus pushed the man back to the ground with all of his weight and inhuman strength, he took a sick sort of joy in seeing the terror in the eyes beneath the skull mask. The man's hands scrabbled violently at Remus' face, trying to get at his eyes as apparently he'd dropped his wand, but Remus simply took hold of the wrists and crushed the bones as if they were nothing more than old quills. The man screamed but Moony was in control now and the wolf delighted in hearing the pain of the one who had hurt his mate. Then Remus' hands were at the man's throat and he felt himself raising the Death Eater slightly off the ground, only to smash his head back into the cold earth repeatedly. He heard his own snarls and growls that would have frightened and disgusted him had it been any other night, but now he just wanted this bastard dead. The windpipe crushed beneath his strong hands, easier than crumpling parchment and the man let out a squeaking, choked noise. The man was wheezing weakly, still struggling against the terribly strong body holding him down but Remus held on firmly and soon he lay still and silent. Remus knew that he was dead and Moony was howling within him in angry triumph.

Quickly Remus rolled off the man and crawled the short distance to Sirius' side.

Sirius' eyes were open now and he was... smiling. His eyes focused on Remus' face and his face broke out into the happiest, most honest smile Remus had seen on Sirius' face in a very long time. Fear came back to him, gripping at his heart, his mind, his limbs, making him kneel over Sirius awkwardly, looking at the burnt hole in the man's robes and he found himself completely clueless as to what to do. Then Sirius was gripping his hand and Remus started at how cool it was, the coolness bringing him back to Earth a little. He heard himself saying Sirius' name over and over again, begging him to hold on, telling him that it was going to be alright while the ice in the pit of his stomach said otherwise. Sirius only smiled back and then murmured in such a happy voice that it made Remus' heart stop, _"Moony, Moony, I remember everything, I remember you. My Moony, I remember."_

Remus froze. _But that could only mean..._

Sirius' eyes started to become unfocused, staring beyond Remus and up at the sky. Remus knew he was yelling at Sirius, that he was screaming at him, cursing him, begging him, but the smile was still bright and almost dreamy now on Sirius' face. Remus' vision blurred and he realised that he was crying, the tears falling thick and fast, dropping onto Sirius' robes as Sirius' gaze focused on his face once more. Before Remus could do anything else, Sirius' eyes were closing and he seemed not to hear Remus' agonized, pleading cries for him to wake up, to stay with him.

Sirius' lips were still curved slightly upwards in a smile when his hand went limp in Remus'.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Remus didn't remember picking Sirius up, scooping the limp, heavy body into his arms as if he weighed nothing more than a small child. He didn't remember pushing his way through the violent crowd and he didn't remember how he got into the Entrance Hall. He just knew that he had to get to Madam Pomfrey, to anyone who could help Sirius. Sirius wasn't dead. He _couldn't_ be dead, he simply couldn't have died because surely Remus himself wouldn't have found any strength to go on, surely he would have laid down next to his friend, the person he loved more than anything, and followed him willingly to the distant shores of death. He ran, curses missing him so closely that any other time he would have slowed and proceeded with caution, as was his nature, but there was nothing natural about this panic and the reckless strength that it gave him. People were lingering together in little groups in the Entrance Hall and they weren't fighting so they appeared to be friendly. Remus didn't notice. They watched him with haunted eyes as he raced by, a limp body in his arms – a common sight in a deadly war and no one got in his way.

_There_ – Madam Pomfrey! He could see her in the Great Hall, leaning over a still figure which was laid out next to many more, too many. This newfound strength that Remus had gave him a surge of energy to run straight to her, stepping over bodies, some who were eerily still, some screaming, some crying. He lay Sirius in front of her and he saw himself grabbing her wrist, heard his own voice, shrill and alien, begging her to help. He must have held too tightly because she winced but she dutifully leaned over Sirius, her hands flitting over the hole in Sirius' robes, through which Remus could see what appeared to be charred, burnt skin. Remus needed to vomit, cry and scream all at once. Instead he shook his head frantically, _No, he can't be_, and held tightly onto Sirius' limp hand while determinedly ignoring how cold it was.

Madam Pomfrey's mouth was moving, her eyes haunted but her face was fierce. Remus couldn't hear the words though. Understanding, she hastily reached into a bag by her side and retrieved a vial, uncorked it and physically poured the liquid down Remus' throat. It burnt all the way down and he choked and spluttered, but suddenly the world was starting to move at the right speed again and his head was clearing.

"A _Gelidus Ignis _curse, Remus – frost fire. Sirius was hit with frost fire, wasn't he?"

Remus nodded dumbly in agreement, his mind which was usually quick and knowledgeable, a complete blank at the moment. Madam Pomfrey turned back to Sirius. A large, thick looking mat appeared at the end of her wand and when it touched Remus accidentally as it fell to the floor, he noted it was hot, that it almost burned him. Wordlessly, the healing witch levitated Sirius onto the mat and muttered spells over him, her words tumbling over each other too quickly for Remus to make them out. Sirius' arm glowed a faint red as the bones apparently healed, and a thick, white blanket dropped over him and curled itself around him securely.

"He needs to be kept as warm as possible," Madam Pomfrey explained quickly as she searched in her bag for potions to give Sirius, "He's alive, it looks as if the curse missed his heart, lungs and major arteries, but he's still lucky to be alive."

She leaned over and tipped a potion down Sirius' throat with a spell that helped him swallow, before touching her hand to his forehead and grimacing as she did so.

"Cold as ice." She turned to Remus and gave him a firm look that gave him a little more strength in the chaos of the world, "Watch over him, dear, you're no use fighting the way you are and he needs someone to stay with him. Keep him warm, don't let his temperature drop anymore, be strong for him and he might pull through this. Okay?"

He nodded fervently and within moments she was gone, whisked off to see to another injury, of which there were many. Without thinking, Remus crawled over to Sirius and lay down beside him on the edge of the mat. It was hot, too hot, but when Remus' head touched Sirius' forehead it was like touching ice, just as Madam Pomfrey had said. Remus wrapped his arm around the still, unconscious form and buried his face in the hair that smelled so sweetly of Sirius but also of soot, sweat and battle. The Great Hall moved on around them, more people were brought in, people cried for their lost love ones, others cried out in agony and some lay ominously still, saying nothing at all. Still, Remus held on tightly to Sirius and didn't move, even though the mat and blankets were burning him, even though people stepped over them sometimes and even though he knew a war was going on and the world was splitting apart.

He could only hope in the deepest part of his heart, praying like he never had before, that Sirius would survive and also that Harry was out there and would pull through. Because even though Sirius had somehow gotten his memories back, Remus would have given all the memories in the world and his own life for Sirius to simply be alright again.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

_Sooo? Next chapter up very soon. Let me know what you think! If anything is unclear, just ask me but the next chapter will probably clear up the setting and timing if that's a problem._


	17. With The Sunrise

_So I've just realised that I've changed the location of Voldemort's last battle a little bit. I made a teensy mistake (my bad!), so for this fic, Voldemort and Harry's last fight takes place in the Entrance Hall instead of the Great Hall because I've made the Great Hall the place where the injured and dead were placed. Sorry!_

_Disclaimer: Any dialogue in this chapter that is in italics is a direct excerpt from Rowling's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I do not own those words, they belong purely to Rowling._

OOOOOOOOOOOO

**Chapter 17: With The Sunrise**

"_When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it – always."_

- Mahatma Gandhi

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Remus watched over him as the hours trickled by. His mind wandered in a dazed state of shock and while he didn't sleep, _couldn't_ sleep, he sometimes found that he had slipped into an almost unconscious state, his mind without thoughts of any kind and his body completely unmoving. Between these lapses, he checked Sirius' condition, almost too afraid to but he knew a watchful eye was critical to Sirius now, and he found with the smallest glint of hope that touching Sirius' forehead was no longer like pressing his fingers to ice. Sirius was still cold, frighteningly so, but Remus never moved from his side.

Vaguely, he saw people around them and judging by the relieved shock in their eyes, the battle seemed to be dying down a little. Still, even in his own state of shock Remus made a conscious effort to keep an eye and ear out for any news of Harry, but no one seemed to know where he was. He could understand their temporary apathy, though. Most of those around them had their own loved ones missing, injured or lost forever. The Weasleys were preoccupied with their own loss – Remus had seen the huddle of bright red heads and had heard Molly's sobs and he shut his eyes tight against the thought that a Weasley had probably fallen. He knew he should rise to try and offer whatever comfort he could to those who needed it but he felt that he would be more of a hindrance than help at the moment and he swore that he would not leave Sirius' side.

Remus felt Sirius' forehead again and held on as tightly as ever after feeling just a hint of heat rising beneath the cool skin. Hope brought him out of his despair a little and he even lifted his head when cries echoed from the Entrance Hall and many people rushed towards the commotion. There was yelling and what sounded like fighting and the part of Remus that was reawakening felt the need to go and help, to join the fight. But Sirius' face was still deathly pale and Remus didn't have the heart to leave him; hope was stirring in his chest and he wouldn't give up this chance to get Sirius back and keep him this time for anything. Then more shouts came to his ears but they sounded excited this time, stunned and exuberant. _"Harry! He's alive!"_ Remus sat up stiffly and stared at the slightly open doors leading to the Great Hall.

_Harry was alive?_ Elation brought a stunned smile to Remus' face but it quickly faded as he realised who was most likely pursuing Harry and had now likely caught up – Voldemort. James and Lily's son now faced the most dangerous being in the world and he was most likely doing it alone. Dumbledore had explained that Harry would need to face Voldemort before the end and Remus knew that he couldn't just sit there and listen to hear if the world as they knew it was going to end and a new world was going to form in Voldemort's hands, all at the price of Harry's death. He looked back down at Sirius. He didn't want to leave him here, he'd lost him too many times, but he knew that Sirius would have wanted him to go, to be there just in case he was able to help Harry in some way. Fear and desperation gripped his heart but love was there too, love for a man that he'd risked his life to be with, who had then risked his life for him in return, and love for a boy that he wanted to protect with his whole being.

Remus made his decision quickly and leaned down over Sirius. He pressed his lips to those that were colder than he'd ever felt them, and he tried desperately not to think about how this might be the last time he'd ever feel those lips against his own.

"I need to go, I need to be there for Harry but I'll be back. Don't you give up, Padfoot, you told me that we'd survive this war – you, me and Harry. Don't you dare go back on your word."

Sirius showed no sign that he'd heard Remus' whispered words and with great reluctance, Remus rose and moved away from the heat of the mat and blankets and left Sirius to the hands of fate. Every fibre of his being screamed at him to turn back and curl against Sirius, bury his face in the man's hair and wait for him to come back, the rest of the world be damned. But this was Lily and James' son, Sirius' godson, the boy that Remus loved as his own. This was Harry and Sirius would have understood. Remus rushed to the Entrance Hall and peered over the crowd of heads that had circled around a large, almost-empty area.

"_... I understood the truth before you caught up. I killed Severus Snape three hours ago, and the Elder Wand, the Deathstick, the Wand of Destiny is truly mine! Dumbledore's last plan went wrong, Harry Potter!_"

The cold voice sent a chill through Remus and he found himself pushing his way through the crowd, towards the two figures in the middle of the room.

" ._.. try ... try for some remorse ..._"

Remus pushed to the front of the crowd behind Voldemort's back and found himself in Harry's direct line of sight. Remus barely heard Voldemort's hiss of _"You dare-?_" as his eyes locked with the startling green of Harry's.

Harry held his gaze for only a moment but in that moment, Remus felt all the pride and fear that he thought he would ever be capable of feeling in his lifetime, staring at the image of James and Lily, at the boy that he loved like a son and wanted so dearly to protect. The boy had fought more bravely than Remus could ever have imagined and still had the strength of heart to be offering a wizard as evil as Voldemort the chance to feel remorse. However, no matter how brave he was, the sight of him standing before Voldemort instilled fear so great in Remus' heart that he longed to intervene somehow, to pull the boy out of the way of what he knew was coming. But Remus understood the strength in the green-eyed gaze, he understood that Harry was telling him that this was his own battle and even if he, Remus, thought it would help by taking Harry's place in front of a Killing Curse, that he was not to interfere. Pride and fear swelled further in his chest, vying for first place in his heart, and he hoped that Harry saw the emotions on his face, he hoped that Harry knew how much he loved him and how proud he was of him.

It had only been a moment and Harry's gaze switched back to Voldemort's as he interrupted the inhumane hiss of the wizard's words, "_Yes, I dare, because Dumbledore's last plan hasn't backfired on me at all. It's backfired on you, Riddle._"

Remus watched with the rest of Hogwarts as a story he wasn't sure he completely understood unfolded. He understood about the switch of the wand called the Elder Wand from Dumbledore to Draco Malfoy and realised Voldemort's confusion only when Harry's wand twitched in his hand. Harry was whispering something that Remus couldn't hear and then a burst of brilliant red flooded the scene. For a wild moment Remus feared that blood had been spilled before he realised it was the sudden sunrise. With the light of a new day washing over them, Harry and Voldemort shouted their curses and it was as if the Hall had exploded in flames of red and gold.

Remus watched along with the rest of the people in the Entrance Hall, stunned as a wand soared up into the air in slow motion before Harry deftly caught it. Voldemort was falling back, down to the floor, hit by his own rebounding curse and as limp and lifeless as the mere mortal that he now was. The air froze, the crowd of wizards and witches staring at either Harry clutching two wands or Voldemort lying dead on the floor. Then the Hall erupted in screams and shouts and cheers, everyone was rushing forward to Harry, to the one who had saved them all. Remus was buffeted forwards by the trampling bodies but he fought back, taking one last, grateful, relieved look at the dark, messy hair before it was lost in the cheering crowd, and turned back to the Great Hall.

In the morning of a new era, a brand new beginning of a better world, Remus left Harry to the crowd screaming praises that he deserved a million times over – he would greet Harry properly and more personally later. But for now, there was someone waiting for him.

He hurried into the Great Hall, making a beeline straight for the white mat and the still form hidden beneath the thick white blankets. When he crouched down next to Sirius, his hands were already reaching to touch his forehead, hoping for all he was worth that his fingers would not touch coldness but his hands froze in mid-air. Grey eyes focused on Remus' face and a shaky smile twitched at the corner of the mouth that had been frozen with cold not long ago.

Words escaped him. Remus simply flung himself forward and held on tightly to the blanketed figure that was shaking slightly with weak chuckles.

Relief flooded Remus like submerging himself in a hot bath after a lifetime spent in the ice of winter. There were so many things that he wanted to say but he knew that if he opened his mouth only a jumbled mess would come out. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Sirius' shoulders as tightly as he could. He realised that Sirius was shivering and his skin was still cool to touch, but when he leaned his own forehead against Sirius', warmth rose beneath the cold and Remus let out a shuddering breath of relief.

"I'm alright, I'm okay, Moony, it's alright. Just don't go crying on me again." Sirius' voice was hoarse and weak but his grin was as bright as ever.

"Shut it, you", Remus whispered, smiling back and simply grateful to be seeing that grin on Sirius' face again, something that not long ago he'd feared would only be a memory.

He pressed their lips together and his heart soared at how warmth was returning to Sirius', the ice of a frost fire death retreating into nothing more than a memory. Remus pulled back and smiled down at the man beneath him.

"He did it, Sirius. Harry did it. Voldemort's dead, I saw Harry defeat him. It's over", a look of wonder crossed Sirius' face, quickly chased by elation, "You were right, Padfoot, the war's over and we're still here."

Sirius smiled up at him and for a moment Remus saw the blinding joy of the sixteen year old boy that he had fallen in love with so many years ago. But then Sirius' breath caught and he coughed wheezily, the frost fire obviously still clinging to him.

Remus quickly made to get up, "I should get Poppy."

But Sirius' arm shot out and pulled him back down, still weak but having an advantage at Remus' unbalanced position. Remus fell next to him with an 'Oomph' and Sirius pulled him closer.

"I'm alright, just... stay. Just for a minute."

Remus hesitated before wrapping an arm around Sirius' shoulders and lying back as Sirius rested his head against Remus' shoulder. Above them, the enchanted sky of the Great Hall was streaked with deep red and burnt orange, fading into the hopeful, coral pink of sunrise. They stared up at it silently. Soon, they would need to get Madam Pomfrey to make sure Sirius was recovering properly and they would need to find Harry to tell him about Sirius' return and apologise for the pain they'd caused him by not telling him sooner, while praying that he forgave them. The people around them were injured, some were grieving, others lay dead but through the despair there was joy, emerging from the sorrow was hope. Sirius and Remus lay there for a few peaceful minutes, together and silent, watching the dawn of a new day, a new beginning.

For the first time in a long time, they found themselves welcoming the future along with the new day and although there was uncertainty interwoven in whatever was coming, as there always would be, they were no longer afraid. Dawn had arrived and with it came the chance to live.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

_Just the epilogue to go! I'm really not sure how this chapter was. Let me know what you think! _

_I know that a lot of the time, happy endings aren't realistic and I get why people often think realistic endings are better, no matter if characters die or not. All my life I've used fiction as an escape into other worlds where anything can happen and characters that I fell in love with lived on forever in my imagination. So I'm not a fan of sad endings, no matter how realistic they may be. I like to finish reading a story and walk away feeling happy, believing that the characters are living on beyond the pages. So I know some of you may have preferred if Sirius had died, that you think it might have made a better story but this is the way I like it, because I think we all get enough of reality in our lives and fiction is a way to escape it. :)_

_Thanks for reading, everyone! Don't forget to stick around for the epilogue!_


	18. Epilogue

_I'm so glad that so many of you liked the last chapter! Thank you all for your support. :)_

_This chapter quote sums it up pretty well, I think :D I just hope none of you are diabetics because the sweet fluff might screw up your blood sugar levels :/ It's not that bad, though... I think._

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Epilogue**

"_And will I tell you that these three lived happily ever after? I will not, for no one ever does. But there was happiness. And they did live."_

- Stephen King, The Dark Tower

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

The mist rolled over the stony, silent buildings and engulfed the streets below, dimming the early morning sunrise and gave the start to the cool day an eerie chill. It had been years since the war had ended but Remus still felt a little apprehensive on mornings like this one, where an instinct for danger, honed and over stimulated during the war, left him feeling inexplicably uneasy.

Luckily, a high pitched child's giggle broke the eerie silence.

Remus smiled. It appeared that little James the second was up and most likely wreaking havoc somewhere in the apartment. He just hoped that it wasn't in the spare room because he would undoubtedly wake up the still sleeping, baby Albus and then the day would start already. He was just making his way to the spare room which was set up for the two children, when Sirius emerged from the master bedroom, still in pajama pants and with two-year old James hanging horizontally under his arm, laughing madly.

"Remind me why we agreed to this again?", Sirius requested groggily, ignoring James' squeals of delight as he hung so far from the floor.

"Because Harry and Ginny need a break and it's the godfather's duty to provide them with such."

"Ah."

Sirius lowered the boy to the floor and as if he'd released a wind up muggle toy, the toddler taking off towards the kitchen as soon as his feet hit the floor, still laughing as madly as ever.

"But a whole weekend, Moony?", Sirius grumbled, following James to the kitchen, intent on some coffee, "A whole _two days_ of these two little monsters and being woken up every morning by this one trying to peel my eyelids off."

"He does live up to his namesake, doesn't he?" Remus replied wryly as he watched the energetic boy try to reach up to the owl that was perched on the bench. The owl, which was a Hogwarts owl, judging by the seal on the envelope in its beak, ruffled its feathers indignantly as it looked down at the little fingers grasping just beyond its reach. Remus gently pushed the little hand out of the way and took the envelope, allowing the owl to gratefully soar back out of the open window and away from the danger of having its feathers pulled by little hands.

The letter probably only contained details about his renewed position as Professor of Defence Against The Dark Arts. Hogwarts was still understaffed and desperate for anyone with qualifications after the war, and as no one else had been available for the job, Minerva had been happy to reemploy him. She'd sent owls to parents, explaining that without him, there would be no Defence Against The Dark Arts taught that year and that Harry Potter himself had recommended him. In the light of the war everyone was still recovering from and parents' anxious desire for that particular subject to be taught, most parents were remarkably hushed about the employment of a werewolf, with the exception of a few who threatened to remove their children from the school. Still, Minerva ensured Remus that she was happy to have him back and he'd graciously accepted, eager to be back teaching young, thirsty minds all that he knew of a subject he was well learned in.

"Is it good news, Professor?"

Remus grinned at the voice behind him and chuckled at the renewed title that Sirius had taken a _very_ deep interest in.

"Probably." Bad news didn't come by owl every morning now, no, not like before.

Sirius came to stand next to him, staring thoughtfully out at the mist that was steadily thinning beyond the window of their new apartment. At their feet, James had managed to open the bottom kitchen drawer and was rifling through the odd, mismatched contents with child's curiosity, examining the spellotape, an emergency Healing kit and candles that he came across.

"You know, you never told me what happened when you followed me through the veil."

Remus froze, the morning suddenly seeming darker and colder as he automatically remembered the younger version of himself, the skinny swinging legs, the sad eyes, the tempting offer. But then he looked over at Sirius, coffee cup in hand, grey strands among the black at his temples, watching him with an expectant face. He wouldn't have given this up for the world and what had seemed as temptation before, growing up without the curse of lycanthropy, paled to nothing in light of what he had now.

Albus' waking wail tore through the apartment and James whined at the sound from somewhere around their feet, probably aware that his time as centre of attention that morning was up. Still, Remus smiled at Sirius, the most honest, happiest smile he thought he was capable of.

"It doesn't matter. I got you back, I got my life back and I got more than I ever dreamed of. I wouldn't change this for the world."

Sirius regarded him shrewdly for a few moments before returning his own smile with a snort, "You really know how to avoid answering a question, don't you, Professor Lupin? For that, it can be your turn to change Al's nappy."

Remus sighed and rolled his eyes. But it was true, he wouldn't have changed this for anything.

_**Finite.**_

OOOOOOOOOOO

_So I hope you like the final part to this story! I really hope the addition of making them babysit wasn't too corny but the idea simply wouldn't leave my head. _

_Thank you to everyone for reading this enormous monster of a story and brownie points to all those who took the time to make my day by commenting. Really, you'll never know how happy you've all made me. __**Insert teary, snotty thanks here**__. _

_I'm busy writing more S/R fics (a really, massively long AU one) so look out for those, if you want. Again, thank you guys so much! :) It's been a total pleasure!_


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